.A O, /« 



,*<*.. 













% v^ 

x 05 - 



"% V? 






# "^ 









. 



1 v o* 



w 



x>' J?„ 






"o X 



o> '^ 



*>* ^ <- 












* • s ' i. r 






C\ 



°>. * 



<S -Tj 



'// C' 



*!> 




























^ * 



*£j 



<*. 



\v v>. 









A 









V 

* 
























- 






<c 



* «V 






% 


















.* 



V* 



-^ 



^ ^ 









v- K 












»V 



I 






.0 o 


















^ 






*''**. * % 






., 






,* 









^^m 



m 




1H 






■ 







FULL OF FUN 



COMPRISING 



K-* 



CONUNDRUMS by Dean Rivers 
TALKS by George Thatcher 
JOKES by Henry Firth Wood 



w 



Philadelphia 
The Penn Publishing Company 






CONUNDRUMS 









General Conundrums 



Why is life the greatest of all conundrums ? 
Because we must all give it_up. 

When may an army be said to be totally de- 
stroyed ? When its soldiers are all in quarters. 

Which is swifter, heat or cold? Heat, 
because you can catch cold. 

Why is a young lady like a letter ? Because 
if she isn't well stamped the mails (males) 
won't take her. 

Why are dudes no longer imported into this 
country from England? Because a Yankee 
dude '11 do (Yankee doodle doo). 

What flowers can be found between the nose 
and chin ? Tulips (two lips) . 

Why is a dude's hat like swearing ? Because 
it is something to avoid. 

How many wives is a man lawfully entitled to 
by the English prayer-book ? Sixteen : Four 
richer, four poorer, four better, four worse. 
9 



IO 

Why is a bright } r oung lady like a spoon in a 
cup of tea ? Because she is interesting (^in tea 
resting). 

Why does a young man think his sweetheart 
is like a door knob ? Because she is something 
to adore (a door). 

Why is the emblem of the United States more 
enduring than that of France, England, Ireland, 
or Scotland ? 

The Lily may fade and its leaves decay, 

The Rose from its stem may sever, 
The Shamrock and Thistle may pass away, 
But the Stars will shine forever. 

Why is a kiss like a sermon? Because it 
needs two heads and an application. 

What is the shape of a kiss ? Elliptical. 

Why is a kiss like gossip ? Because it goes 
from mouth to mouth. 

When two people kiss, what kind of a riddle 
does it make ? A rebus. 

What is it George Washington seldom saw, 
God never saw, and we see every day ? Our 
equals. 

What is better than God, worse than the 
devil, the dead live on, and the living would die 
if they lived on ? Nothing. 



II 

Prove by logic that an oyster is better than 
heaven. Nothing is better than heaven ; an 
oyster is better than nothing ; therefore an 
oyster is better than heaven. 

What is the difference between a honeymoon 
and a honeycomb ? One is a big sell, the other 
little cells. 

Why is a man who makes pens a wicked 
man ? Because he makes men steel (steal) pens 
and then says they do write (right). 

What is the difference between a lady and an 
apple ? One you have to get side her to squeeze, 
and the other you have to squeeze to get cider. 

Who is the greatest chicken-killer spoken of 
in Shakespeare? Macbeth, because he did 
murder most foul. 

Why is music cheaper on Sunday than during 
the week ? Because during the week you get 
it by the piece, and on Sunday you get it by 
the choir. 

Which death would you prefer to die, Joan 
of Arc's or Mary Stuart's ? Most people prefer 
Joan of Arc's, because they like a hot steak 
better than a cold chop. 

What great writer's name might }^ou appro- 
priately mention if you were standing by the 
grave of Bob Ingersoll ? Robert Burns. 



12 

What three great writers names might you 
think of if } t ou were watching a house burn 
down ? Dickens, Howett, Burns. 

If you w T ere invited out to dinner and on 
sitting down to the table saw nothing but a 
beet, what would you say ? That beet's all. 

Give a definition of love. An inward inex- 
pressibility and an outward alloverishness ; or, 
the classical definition of a collegiate is, " Love 
is the so-ness, as it were, of the white heat fu- 
sion of the intellect, sensibility, and will." 

When is charity like a top ? When it begins 
to hum. 

Why is a man sometimes like dough ? Not 
because a woman needs (kneads) him, but be- 
cause he is hard to get off of her hands. 

Why does a minister always say ' ' dearly 
beloved brethren " and not refer to the sisters ? 
Because the brethren embrace the sisters. 

What part of a ragged garment resembles the 
Pope's title ? Its Holiness. 

Why are a dead duck and a dead doctor 
alike ? Because they have both stopped quack- 
ing. 

When is the best time to read from the book 
of nature ? When the spring opens the leaves 
and the autumn turns them. 



i3 

In what liquid does the Queen of England 
take her medicine ? In cider i side herj. 

Why is a restless man in bed like a lawyer ? 
Because he lies on one side, then turns around 
and lies on the other. 

Why do tailors make very ardent lovers ? 
Because they press their suits. 

When is a man of greatest use at the dinner- 
table ? When he is a spoon. 

What is the difference between a rejected and 
an accepted lover ? One misses the kisses and 
the other kisses the misses. 

What is the difference between a church dea- 
con and a little rag-a-muffin ? One passes the 
sasser (saucer) and the other sasses the passer. 

Why is a lover like a knocker ? Because he 
is bound to adore (a door J. 

In what colored ink should we write our se- 
crets? In violet (mviolate). 

Why is a young lady like an arrow ? Be- 
cause she can't go off without a bow (beau), 
and is in a quiver till she gets one. 

If a young lad}^ fell into a well why couldn't 
her brother help her out ? Because, how could 
he be a brother and assist her (a sister) too ? 



H 

If all the women went to China, where would 
the men go ? To Pekin. 

Why does a Russian soldier wear brass but- 
tons on his coat, and an Austrian soldier wear 
steel ones ? To keep his coat buttoned. 

What is the difference between an old penny 
and a new dime ? Nine cents. 

How is the best way to make a coat last ? 
To make the trousers and vest first. 

What word of four S}dlables would a man utter 
if he should eat his wife and wanted to express 
his approbation of the deed ? Gladiator (glad 
I ate her). 

Why does a cat look on first one side and 
then another when she enters a room ? Because 
she can't look on both sides at the same 
time. 

Why is a widower like a young baby ? Be- 
cause he cries a great deal the first six months, 
looks around the second six months, and has 
hard work to get through his second summer. 

Why is Philadelphia more subject to earth- 
quakes than any other city ? Because she is a 
Quaker city. 

Why is a policeman on his beat like an Irish- 
man rolling down a hill ? Because he's patrol - 
ing (Pat roiling). 



If the alphabet were all invited out to supper, 
in what order would they come ? They would 
all get there down to 5, and the rest would come 
after T. 

What would contain all the snuff in the 
world? No one nose (knows). 

Why is a hound like a man with a bald head ? 
Because he makes a little hare (hair) go a long 
ways. 

What is the first thing a man sets in his gar- 
den ? His foot. 

Who were the first astronomers ? The stars, 
because they have studded the heavens ever 

since the creation. 

When may you be said to imbibe a piano ? 
When you have a piano for tea (pianoforte). 

When may bread be said to be alive ? When 
it has a little Indian in it. 

Why does a bachelor who has a counterfeit 
half dollar passed on him want to get married ? 
To get a better half. 

Why does a sculptor die a most horrible 
death ? Because he makes faces and busts. 

Why do we generally dub a city her or she ? 
Because about a city there is so much bustle 
and because she has outskirts. 



r6 

Why does a liair-dresser die a sad death? 
Because he curls up and dies (dyes). 

Why are washwomen great flirts ? Because 
they wring men's bosoms. 

If thirty-two degrees is freezing point, what 
is squeezing point ? Two in the shade. 

Prove that the winds are blind. The wind is 
a zephyr, a zeph}^r is a yarn, a yarn is a story, 
a story is a tale, a tail is an attachment, an at- 
tachment is love, and love is blind ; therefore, 
the winds are blind. 

Why is a married man like a fire ? Because 
he provokes his wife by going out at night. 

Why is a pig's brain larger than any other 
animal's ? Because he has a hog's head full. 

Where was the first Adams Express Company 
located? In the Garden of Eden, when Eve 
was created. 

What is the difference between a young lady 
and a mouse ? One charms the he's, the other 
harms the cheese. 

Why are men like facts ? Because they are 
stubborn things. 

What is the difference between a gardener and 
a Chinaman ? One keeps the lawn wet, the 
other keeps the lawn dry (laundry). 



i7 

Why is a young lady's age after she has 
reached twenty -five like a floral wedding bell ? 
Because it is never told. 

When is a door not a door? When it's an 
egress (a negress). 

Why is Patti like a jeweler? Because she 
deals in precious tones (precious stones). 

When is a bee a great nuisance ? When it is 
a humbug. 

A New Yorker asks : What popular book 
could the two cities, New York and Philadel- 
phia, be compared to ? The Quick or the Dead. 

Why is a dog dressed warmer in summer than 
in winter ? Because in winter he wears a fur 
coat and in summer he wears a coat and 
pants. 

Why is it more dangerous to go out in the 
spring than any other time of the year ? Be- 
cause in the spring the grass has blades, the 
flowers have pistils, the leaves shoot, and the 
bullrushes out. 

What is the difference between a hill and a 
pill ? One is hard to get up, the other is hard to 
get down. 

Why is a lazy dog like a hill ? Because he 
is a slow pup (slope up). 



i8 

A man and goose once went up in a balloon 
together, the balloon burst and they landed on 
a church steeple, how did the man get down ? 
Plucked the goose. 

Why is a man riding up a hill like a man 
taking a young dog to a lady ? Because he is 
taking a gallop up (gal a pup). 

Why is a dentist a sad and a wicked man ? 
Because he is always looking down in - the 
mouth and dams all his patients. 

What is the difference between a king's son, 
a monkey's mother, a bald head, and an or- 
phan? A king's son is the heir apparent, a 
monkey's mother is a hairy parent, a bald head 
has no hair apparent, and an orphan has nary 
a parent. 

If William Penn's aunts kept a pastry shop, 
what would be the prices current of their pies ? 
The pie rates of Penn's Aunts (Pirates of Pen- 
zance). 

What celebrated man in English history 
might you name if you wished to tell your ser- 
vant to replenish the fire in your grate ? Philip 
the Great (fill up the grate^ > 

A man had twenty-six (twenty sick) sheep 
and one died, how many remained? Nine- 
teen. 



19 

What is the difference between an Irishman 

on a bleak mountain-top and a Scotchman? 

One is kilt with the cow T ld and the other is 
cowled with the kilt. 

If a pair of andirons cost five dollars, what 
would the wood come to burned on them for 
one month ? Come to ashes. 

What is the difference between Niagara Falls 
and Queen Elizabeth ? One is a wonder, the 
other is a Tudor. 

What is a soldier's definition of a kiss? A 
report at headquarters. .'_^ 

Why is it easy to break into an old man's 
house ? Because his gait (gate) is broken and 
his locks are few. 

What word of only three syllables combines 
in it twenty-six letters ? Alphabet. 

Where can one always find happiness ? In 
the dictionary. 

When will there be but twenty-five letters in 
the alphabet ? When U and I are one. 

Why is it impossible for a swell who lisps to 
believe in the existence of young ladies ? Be- 
cause he calls every miss a mith. 

What w r as Joan of Arc made of? Maid of 
Orleans. 



I 



20 

Why are your eyes like friends separated by 
the ocean ? Because they correspond but never 
meet. 

Why is a lady who faints in a public place 
like a good intention ? Because she needs car- 
rying out. 

What is the brightest idea in the world? 
Your eye, dear. 

What animal drops from the clouds? The 
rain, dear (reindeer). 

I went out walking one day and met three 
beggars ; to the first I gave ten cents, to the 
second I also gave ten cents, and to the third I 
gave but five — what time of day was it ? A 
quarter to three. 

What is that w r hich by losing an eye has 
nothing left but a nose ? Noise. 

Why is a hen immortal ? Because her son 
never sets. 

What is that which is full of holes and yet 
holds water ? A sponge. 

What will impress the ear more sharply than 
a falsetto voice ? A false set of teeth. 

What is that which is put on the table and 
cut, but is never eaten. A pack of cards. 



What is the oldest table in the world ? The 
multiplication table. 

Which river is the coldest ? The Isis (ice is). 

Why are cats like unskillful surgeons ? Be- 
cause they mew till late and destroy patience 
(patients). 

Why is it almost certain that Shakespeare 
was a broker ? Because no other man has fur- 
nished so many stock quotations. 

How can you distinguish a fashionable man 
from a tired dog ? One wears an entire cos- 
tume, the other wears simply a coat and pants. 

Why is a youth trying to raise a moustache 
like a cow's tail ? Because he grows down. 

Why is a professional thief very comfortable ? 
Because he usually takes things so easy. 

When is a man obliged to keep his word ? 
When no one will take it. 

Why is an attractive woman like a successful 
gambler ? Because she has such winning ways. 

Why is the food one eats on an ocean 
steamer like a difficult conundrum ? Because 
one is obliged to give it up. 

Why are stout men usually sad? Because 
they are men of sighs (size;. 



22 

Why are two young ladies kissing each other 
an emblem of Christianity ? Because they are 
doing unto each other as they would that men 
should do unto them. 

What is the difference between a woman and 
an umbrella ? You can shut an umbrella up. 

Why would it be very appropriate for a man 
named Benjamin to marry a girl named Annie ? 
Because he would be Bennie-fitted and she 
Annie-mated. 

Why is this continent like milk ? Because 
it's ours (it sours). 

What is the color of the winds and waves in 
a severe storm ? The winds blew (blue), the 
Waves rose. 

Why is a baker a most improvident person ? 
Because he is continually selling that which he 
kneads himself. 

What is it we all frequently say we will do 
and no one has ever yet done ? Stop a minute. 

How can you by changing the pronunciation 
of a word only turn mirth into crime ? By 
making man's laughter manslaughter. 

Why is a room full of married people like an 
empty room? Because there is not a single 
person in it. 



23 

Which one of the United States is the largest 
and most popular ? The state of matrimony. 

Which nation produces the most marriages ? 
Fascination. 

When is a horse like a house ? When he has 
blinds on. 

Why is a bridegroom often more expensive 
than a bride ? Because the bride is given away, 
but the bridegroom is often sold. 

Why is divinity the easiest of all professions ? 
Because it is easier to preach than to practice. 

When is love deformed ? When it is all on 
one side. 

What is the difference between a butcher and 
a flirt ? One kills to dress, and the other dresses 
to kill. 

When was B the first letter in the alphabet ? 
In the days of No-a (Noah). 

How can I remove A from the alphabet ? B- 
head it. 

Why is A like a honeysuckle ? Because a B 
follows it. 

Why is modesty the strongest characteristic 
of a watch ? Because it always keeps its hands 
before its face, and runs down its own works. 



2 4 

Why is it right for B to come before C ? Be- 
cause we must B before we can C. 

Why are two t's like hops? Because they 
make beer better. 

What kind of sense does a girl long for in a 
disagreeable suitor ? Absence. 

Why is it dangerous to keep a clock at the 
head of a pair of stairs ? Because it sometimes 
runs down. 

Who are the two largest ladies in the United 
States? Miss Ouri and Mrs. Sippi (Missouri 
and Mississippi). 

What key in music would make a good 
officer? A sharp major. 

What is the key-note to good manners ? B 
natural. 

Why is a stupid fellow like G sharp ? Be- 
cause he is A flat. 

What do ladies look for when they go to 
church? The Sams (psalmsj and hims 
(hymns). 

Why are married men like steamboats ? Be- 
cause the3 T are sometimes blown up. 

What ship contains more people than the 
' ' Great Eastern ' ' ? Courtship. 



25 

Why is a ship like a woman ? Because she 
is often tender to a man-of war ; often running 
after a smack ; often attached to a buoy (Jx>yj ; 
and frequently making up to a peer (pierj. 

Why do women make good post-office clerks ? 
Because they know how to manage the mails 
(males . 

Why is lip-salve like a chaperon ? Because it 
is intended to keep the chaps away. 

If a pair of andirons cost $7.75, what would 
a ton of coal come to ? To ashes. 

What is worse than raining cats and dogs ? 
Hailing omnibuses. 

Why is an umbrella like a pancake ? Be- 
cause it is seldom seen after Lent. 

On what da}' of the year do women talk the 
least ? The shortest day. 

What is that which every living person has 
seen, but will never see again? Yesterday. 

What is the difference between dead soldiers 
and repaired garments ? The former are dead 
men, and the latter are mended (dead). 

Why, when 3^ou paint a man's portrait, may 
you be described as stepping into his shoes? 
Because you make his feet yours (features). 



26 

Why may a beggar wear a very short coat ? 
Because it will be long enough before he gets 
another. 

Which is the most valuable, a five-dollar note 
or five gold dollars? The note, because when 
you put it in your pocket you double it, and 
when you take it out again you see it increases. 

What is the difference between the Prince of 
Wales and the water in a fountain ? One is 
heir to the throne, the other thrown to the air. 

Why is a pretty young lady like a wagon 
wheel ? Because she is surrounded by felloes 
(fellows). 

When is it dangerous to enter a church? 
When there is a canon in the reading-desk, a 
great gun in the pulpit, and a bishop charges 
the congregation. 

What is the difference between form and cere- 
mony ? You sit upon one and stand on the 
other. 

What is the most awkward time for a train 
to start? 12.50, as it's ten to one if you catch 
it. 

Why can negroes be safely trusted with 
secrets ? Because they are sure to keep dark. 

Why is a camel a very pugnacious animal ? 
Because he always has his back up. 



2 7 

Why are doctors bad characters? Because 
the worse people are the more they are with 
them. 

Why did Lady Wellesley do a very unlady- 
like thing when she married the late Lord Rag- 
land Somerset ? Because she turned a Somerset. 

Why can the world be compared to music ? 
Because it is so full of sharps and flats. 

Why does a goose go into the w r ater ? For 
diver's reasons. 

Why does a goose come out of the w r ater ? 
For sun-dry reasons. 

Why is a stick of candy like a race-horse ? 
Because the more you lick it the faster it goes. 

Why is a naughty school-boy like a postage- 
stamp ? Because you lick him with a stick and 
stand him in the corner. 

Why is I the luckiest of all the vowels ? Be- 
cause it is in the centre of bliss, w T hile K is in- 
hell and all the others are in purgatory. 

What is the longest word in the English 
language ? Smiles, because there is a mile be- 
tween the first and last letter. 

Why have chickens no fear of a future state ? 
Because they have their next world (necks 
twirled) in this. 



28 

Why cannot a deaf man be legale convicted ? 
Because it is unlawful to condemn a man with- 
out a hearing. 

Why is a man who beats his wife like a thor- 
ough-bred horse? Because he's a perfect 
brute. 

What is that which you can keep after giving 
to some one else ? Your word. 

Why are teeth like verbs ? Because the}' are 
regular, irregular, and defective. 

Why is Queen Victoria like a hat ? Because 
they both have crowns. 

Why is a plum -pudding like the ocean ? Be- 
cause it contains many currants. 

Who may marry man}' a wife and still be 
single all his life ? A clergyman. 

Why is Athens like a worn-out shoe ? Be- 
cause it once had a Solon (sole on). 

Why are washerwomen great travelers ? Be- 
cause they are continually crossing the line and 
running from pole to pole. 

What part of a fish is like the end of a book ? 
The fin-is. 

What is a common miracle in Ireland ? Wak- 
ing the dead. 



29 

Why are bachelors bad grammarians ? Be- 
cause when asked to conjugate they invariably 
decline. 

When could the British Empire be purchased 
for the lowest sum ? When Richard the Third 
offered his kingdom for a horse. 

What is the largest room in the world ? The 
room for improvement. 

Why is a street-car like the heart of a co- 
quette ? Because there is always room for one 
more to be taken in. 

When may a man be said to breakfast before 
he gets up ? When he takes a roll in bed. 

Why are dealers in glassware unlike all other 
dealers ? Because it won't do for them to crack 
up their goods. 

What is it that a gentleman has not, never 
can have, and yet can give to a lady ? A hus- 
band. 

Why is a man just imprisoned like a boat 
full of water? Because he requires bailing 
out. 

When does a ship tell a falsehood ? When 
she lies at the wharf. 

When is a theatrical manager like an as- 
tronomer ? When he discovers a new star. 



30 

What is the difference between a mother and 
a barber? The latter has razors to shave and 
the former has shavers to raise. 

Why are pianos noble characters ? Because 
they are grand, upright, and square. 

What are they which, though always drunk, 
are never intoxicated ? Toasts. 

When is a fowl's neck like a bell ? When 
it's rung for dinner. 

Why is a crow the bravest bird in the world ? 
Because it never shows the white feather. 

Why is a vote in Congress like a bad cold ? 
Because sometimes the ayes (eyes) have it, and 
sometimes the noes (nose). 

Why are some girls like old muskets ? Be- 
cause they use a good deal of powder, but won't 
go off. 

What kind of medicine does a man take for 
a scolding wife? He takes an elixir (an' he 
licks her). 

Why is a dirty man like flannel ? Because 
he shrinks from washing. 

What is the difference between a young 
maiden of sixteen and an old maid of sixty ? 
One is happy and careless, and the other is 
cappy and hairless. 



Wli3 r is a pair of skates like an apple ? Be- 
cause they have both occasioned the fall of 
man. 

What is most like a hen stealing ? A cock- 
robin. 

If Old Nick were to lose his tail, where would 
he go to get another ? To a grog-shop, because 
bad spirits are retailed there. 

Why is a young man engaged to a young 
lady like a man sailing for a port in France ? 
Because he is bound to Havre (have her). 

Why is the opening of a new dry-goods store 
like a house on fire ? Because it starts all the 
bells (belles) in the city. 

Why would it be impossible to starve in the 
desert of Sahara ? Because of the sand which 
is (sandwiches) there. 

Kow did the sandwiches get there ? When 
Ham was sent there with his followers, who 
were bred (bread) and mustered (mustard). 

If a tough beefsteak could speak, what Eng- 
lish poet would it mention ? Chaucer (chaw, 

sir). 

Why can you never expect a fisherman to be 
generous ? Because his business makes him 
sell fish. 



32 

When is a bonnet not a bonnet ? When it 
becomes a pretty woman. 

Why are young ladies bad grammarians? 
Because so few can decline matrimony. 

Why can a blind man always see his father ? 
Because the father is always apparent (a 
parent). 

What does Washington, D. C, stand for? 
Washington, daddy of his country. 

Why was a defeated candidate after the late 
election, like the earth ? Because he was flat- 
tened at the poles. 

When was beef the highest ? When the cow 
jumped over the moon. 

What ailment is the oak most subject to ? 
A corn (acorn). 

Why does a horse eat in a very odd way ? 
Because he eats best when he has not a bit in 
his mouth. 

What is the only organ without stops ? A 
woman's organ of speech. 

Give an Irishman's definition of a lake. A 
hole in the tay- kettle. 

Why is man superior to woman ? Because 
woman is only a side issue. 



33 

Why is a lady when sick at sea like some 
of our literary men ? Because she is a con- 
tributor to the Atlantic, 

Why is a scolding wife like a thing of beauty ? 
" Because she is a joy (jawj forever." 

What is the proper length for a young lady 
to wear her dress ? A little above two feet. 

Why is a man who never bets as bad as a 
gambler ? Because he is no bettor (better) . 

When is a cigar like dried beef ? When it 
is smoked. 

What table has no legs to stand upon ? The 
multiplication table. 

How do young ladies sometimes show their 
dislike to" mustaches ? By setting their faces 
against them. 

Why are there three objections to taking a 
glass of brandy ? Because there are three scru- 
ples to a dram. 

Why is the root of the tongue like a dejected 
man ? Because it's down in the mouth. 

What is that which we often return, but never 
borrow ? Thanks. 

What animals are always seen at funerals ? 
Black kids. 



34 

What is the difference between a French 
pastry cook and a bill sticker ? One puffs up 
paste, the other pastes up puffs. 

Why is it vulgar to sing and play by your- 
self? Because it's so low (solo J. 

Why is a dog biting his tail like a good 
manager ? Because he makes both ends meet. 

Why is a watch-dog larger by night than by 
day ? Because at night he is let out, and in 
the day he is taken in. 

Why did the Highlanders do most execution 
at Waterloo ? Because every man had one kilt 
before the battle. 

At what game do the v aves of the sea play ? 
At pitch and toss. 

Why are fowls the most economical things a 
farmer can keep ? Because for every grain they 
give a peck. 

What is the difference between a pitcher of 
water and a man throwing his w T ife over a 
bridge ? One is water in the pitcher, the other 
is pitch her in the water. 

When is a young lady not a young lady ? 
When she's a sweet tart (sweetheart). 

What confection did they have in the ark? 
Preserved pairs (pears). 



35 

Why should architects make excellent actors ? 
Because the}' are good at drawing houses. 

What weapon does a young man use if he 
kisses a young lad}' by mistake ? A blunder- 
buss. 

What is the difference between an auction 
and seasickness ? One is a sale of effects, the 
other the effects of a sail. 

What should a clergyman preach about ? 
About a half of an hour. 

Why is an orange like a church steeple ? Be- 
cause we have a peel from it. 

What kind of a cat do we usually find in a 
large library ? A cat alogue. 

What sea would a man like to be in on a wet 
day ? Adriatic (a dry attic). 

Why was the French Empress always in bad 
company ? Because she w r as always surrounded 
by Paris-ites. 

When was Xapoleon First most shabbily 
dressed? When out at Elba (elbow). 

When was wit a father ? When a pun be- 
came apparent (a parent ). 

What grows the less tired the more it works ? 
A carriage wheel. 



36 

Why is the Louvre the cheapest palace ever 
erected? Because it was partly built for one 
sovereign, and finished for another. 

What is the difference between a cradle and 
the grave ? The one is for the first-born, the 
other for the last bourne. 

How is an elephant's head different from 
every other head ? Because, if you cut his 
head off from his body, you don't take it from 
the trunk. 

Why does a stingy German like mutton bet- 
ter than venison ? Because he prefers ' ' zat vich 
is sheep to zat vich is deer. ' ' 

Which is the most wonderful animal in the 
farmyard? A pig, because he is killed and 
then cured. 

Why is a poor conundrum like a monkey ? 
Because it was far-fetched and full of nonsense. 

If a tree were to break a window, what would 
the window say ? Tre-mend-us. 

What trees has fire no effect upon ? Ashes, 
as when burned, they're ashes still. 

What did Jack Frost say when he kissed the 
violet ? Wilt thou, and it wilted. 

When is a large river good for the eyes ? 
When it's eye (high) water. 



37 

What is the difference between a cloud and 
a whipped child? One pours with rain, the 
other roars with pain. 

What musical instrument invites you to fish ? 
Cast-a net. 

What river is that which runs between two 
seas ? The Thames, which runs between Chel- 
sea and Batter-sea. 

What is the difference between a fisherman 
and a lazy schoolboy ? One baits his hook, 
the other hates his book. 

What is that which you break by even nam- 
ing it? Silence. 

When has a man four hands? When he 
doubles his fists. 

What is the most difficult river on which to 
get a boat ? Arno, because they're Arno boats 
there. 

What is the smallest bridge in the world ? 
The bridge of your nose. 

What is the difference between a spendthrift 
and a pillow ? One is hard up, the other is 
soft down. 

What is the difference between a hen and an 
idle musician ? One la}^s at pleasure the other 
plays at leisure. 



38 

Why are deaf people like India shawls ? Be- 
cause you can't make them here (hear). 

Why are book-keepers like chickens ? Be- 
cause they have to scratch for a living. 

What wind would a hungry sailor be apt to 
wish for ? One that blows fowl and chops 
about. 

What tongue is it that frequently hurts and 
grieves you, and yet does not speak a word ? 
The tongue of your shoe. 

Why is scraping out a turnip a noisy pro- 
ceeding ? Because it makes it hollow. 

What is that from which you may take away 
the whole and still have some left ? The word 
wholesome. 

When is a newspaper the sharpest ? When 
it is filed. 

Why is English grammar like gout ? Be- 
cause it's torture (taught 3 r er). 

Give a good definition of a button. A small 
affair that is always coming off. 

What is the greatest feat, in the eating way, 
ever known ? That recorded of a man who 
commenced by bolting a door, after which he 
threw up a window, and then sat down and 
swallowed a whole story. 



39 

What is the difference between a choir mas- 
ter and a lady's dress ? The one trains a 
choir, the other acquires a train. 

Why has a great g5Htnnast very wonderful 
digestion ? Because he lives on ropes and poles 
and thrives. 

What is a singular and melancholy fact in 
the history of Milton ? That he could recite 
his poems but could not resight himself. 

Why is Canada like courtship ? Because it 
borders on the United States. 

What is the difference between a farmer and 
a seamstress ? One gathers what he sows, the 
other sew r s what she gathers. 

What is the difference between a cow and an 
old chair? One gives milk, the other gives 
way (whey). 

Why is a washerwoman like Saturday ? Be- 
cause she brings in the clothes (close) of the 
week. 

Why is an actress like an angel ? Because 
we seldom see one that is not painted. 

At what time by the clock is a pun most 
effective ? When it strikes one. 

What is that which never asks any questions, 
but requires so many answers ? The door-bell. 






4Q 

What kind of a book do some men wish their 
wives might resemble ? An almanac, for then 
they could have a new one every year. 

Why does the conductor cut a hole in }^our 
railroad ticket ? To let you pass through. 

Why is an old . coat like iron ? Because it is 
a specimen of hardware (wear). 

Why is a list of celebrated musical composers 
like a sauce-pan? Because it is incomplete 
without a Handel. 

In what key should a man propose to his 
sweetheart? Be mine, ah (B minor). 

When a church is burning, what is the only 
part that stands no chance at all of being saved ? 
The organ, because the engine can't play 
upon it. 

Why is the Fourth of July like an oyster ? 
Because we cannot enjoy it without crack- 
ers. 

When is a newspaper like a delicate child ? 
When it appears weekly. 

If all the seas were dried up, what would old 
Neptune say? I really haven't an ocean (a 
notion). 

Why is the letter A like twelve o'clock ? Be- 
cause it comes in the middle of day. 



4i 

Why is a false friend like the letter P ?' Be- 
cause, although always first in pity, he is 
always last in help. 

What is that which occurs twice in a mo- 
ment and not once in a thousand years ? The 
letter M. 

Why are butchers thieves? Because they 
steal a knife and cut away with it. 

Why should a man troubled w r ith the gout 
make his will ? Because he will then have his 
leg at ease (legatees). 

Why is a mirror like a very ungrateful 
friend ? Because, although you may load his 
back with silver, he will reflect on you. 

What is the difference between some women 
and their looking-glasses? The former talk 
without reflecting, the latter reflect without 
talking. 

Which is the hardest of all soaps ? Cast 
steel (Castile). 

On what supposition could pocket handker- 
chiefs build a house ? If they became brick 
(be cambric). 

Why is a true and faithful friend like garden 
seeds ? Because you never know the value of 
either until they are put under ground. 



Wlien does a man always have brown hands ? 
When he's tand'em driving. 

What is that which is seen twice in ' ' every- 
day " and four times in "every week," yet 
only once in a year ? The vowel e. 

Which are the only two words in the English 
language where the five vowels follow in suc- 
cessive order ? Facetious and abstemious. 

What word is there of eight letters which has 
five of them the same ? Oroonoko. 

What words may be pronounced quicker and 
shorter by adding another syllable to them? 
Quick and short. 

What word composed of five letters can you 
take the first two letters from and have one 
remain ? Stone. 

Which word in the English language con- 
tains the greatest number of letters ? Dispro- 
portion ableness. 

What relation is a child to its own father 
when it is not its own father's son ? A daugh- 
ter. 

What is the difference between the milky 
way and a room full of great-grandfathers ? 
One is a lot of pale stars, the other a lot of stale 
pas. 



43 

What was it a blind man took at breakfast 
which restored his sight ? He took a cup and 
saw, sir (saucer). 

Why are pipes all humbug? Because the 
best of them are all meer-shams. 

Why is a meerschaum like a water-color 
artist ? Because it draws and colors beatifully. 

If you saw a dude riding on a donkey, what 
fruit would you be reminded of? A pair. 

What is that which a cat has, but no other 
animal ? Kittens. 

What are the features of a canon ? Cannon- 
mouth, cannon ize, and cannon-eers. 

Show that twice ten is equal to twice eleven. 
Twice ten is twenty, and twice eleven is 
twenty-two (twenty, too). 

What word of six letters contains six words 
besides itself, without transposing a letter? 
Herein — he, her, here, ere, rein, in. 

When is a teapot like a kitten? When 
you're teasin' it (tea's in it). 

Why is a portrait like a member of Con- 
gress ? Because it is a representative. 

Why is a madman like two men ? Because 
he is a man beside himself. 



44. 

Who was the first whistler, and what tune 
did he whistle ? The wind— " Over the Hills 
and Far Away." 

Why is an unbound book like a person in 
bed ? Because it is in sheets. 

Why is a drawn tooth like a thing that is 
forgotten ? Because it is out of the head. 

What is the difference between a glass of N 

water and a glass of whiskey ? Ten cents. v </*-* 

Why is a paper like a beggar ? Because it 
is composed of rags. 

What kin is that child to its own father who 
is not its father's own son ? His daughter. 

Why is an intoxicated man like a noun ad- 
jective? Because he seldom stands alone. 

Why is a clergyman's horse like a king? 
Because he is guided by a minister. 

Why is a man in a garret committing mur- 
der like a good man? Because he is above 
committing a bad action. 

Why was the Parliament of the Common- 
wealth like Samson ? Because it overthrew a 
house of lords. 

Why is an avaricious man like one with a 
short memory ? He is always for getting. 



45 

What is that which lives in winter, dies in 
summer, and grows with its root upward ? An 
icicle. 

Why is a blacksmith's apron like a convent ? 
Because it keeps off the sparks. 

Why is a lad}' when embraced like a pocket- 
book ? Because she is clasped. 

Why is a wick of a candle like Athens ? 
Because it is in Greece (grease). 

Why is a fender like Westminister Abbey ? 
Because it contains the ashes of the grate 
(great; . 

Why is a handsome woman like bread? 
Because she is often toasted. 

What is that which a coach cannot move 
without, and yet is not of the least Use to it ? 
Xoise. 

What does a stone become when in the 
water? A whetstone (wet stone). 

When is a very angry man like a clock fifty- 
nine minutes past twelve? When he is just 
going to strike one. 

If you were obliged to swallow a man, what 
kind of a one would you prefer to swallow ? A 
little Dublin porter. 



4 6 

What question is that to which you must 
always answer ' ' yes ' ' ? What does y-e s spell ? 

What four letters of the alphabet would 
frighten a thief? O I C U (oh ! I see you). 

Why must a magistrate be cold and chilly ? 
Because he is just ice (justice). 

What is the difference between a new five- 
cent piece and an old-fashioned quarter? 
Twenty cents. 

Why does a man go into the law r , remain in 
the law, and go out of the law ? He goes into 
the law to get on, he remains in the law to get 
oner, he retires from the law to get onest. 

What is the cheapest way to buy a fiddle ? 
Buy a little medicine and get a vial in ? 

Speak only two letters and thus name the 
destiny of all earthly things ? D. K. 

Why was Robinson Crusoe not alone on the 
desert island? Because there was a heavy 
swell on the beach and a sandy cove running 
up the shore. 

Why is a buckwheat-cake like a caterpillar ? 
Because it makes the butter- fly. 

What is that which has neither flesh nor 
bone, yet has four fingers and a thumb ? A 
glove. 



47 

Barnum drove a ten-in-hand through New 
York city, and his horses had only twenty-four 
feet among them ; how was that ? They had 
twenty fore feet. 

What trade does the sun follow in the month 
of May ? Mason (May sun). 

Of what trade are all the Presidents of the 
United States ? Cabinet-makers. 

Of what trade is a minister at a wedding ? 
A joiner. 

Of what occupation is a manager of a 
theatre ? A stage-driver. 

What miss is that whose company no one 
ever wants ? Mis-fortune. 

What misses are those whose days are always 
unlucky ? Mis-chance and mis-hap. 

What miss is always making blunders ? Mis- 
take. 

What misses are of a very jealous temper? 
Mis-give and mis-trust. 

When is it no misfortune for a young lady to 
lose her good name ? When a 3^oung man gives 
her a better one. 

When does a dentist do the most work ? 
When he extracts several acres (achers). 



4 8 

Why is an umbrella a paradox ? Because it 
is best when used up. 

What happens when a light falls into the 
water at an angle of forty-five degrees? It 
goes out. 

What great surgical operation does the manu- 
facturing of maple-sugar remind you of? Tree 
panning. 

In what way do women ruin their husbands ? 
In buy-wa}^s. 

Why has the shoemaker wonderful powers 
of endurance? Because he holds on to the 
last. 

What part of the face resembles a school- 
master ? The eyelid, because it always has a 
pupil under the lash. 

Why is it that y ou and I must never dine 
together? Because U can never come until 
after I. 

What profession is a postman ? He is a man 
of letters. 

At w r hat time of life may a man be said to 
belong to the vegetable kingdom ? When long 
experience has made him sage. 

Which is the gayest letter in the alphabet ? 
U, because it is always in fun. 



49 

Which are the lightest men, Scotch, Irish, 
or Englishmen ? Englishmen. In Scotland 
there are men of Ayr; in Ireland men of Cork, 
but in England are lightermen. 

When is a boat like a heap of snow ? When 
it is adrift. 

What 'bus has found room for the greatest 
number of people ? Columbus. 

Which is heavier, a half or a full moon ? 
The half, because the full moon is as light 
again. 

What tree is of the greatest importance in 
history ? The date. 

When is a man like a frozen rain ? When he 
is hail (hale) . 

When is a lady's arm not a lady's arm? 
When it is a little bare (bear). 

Why is a short negro like a white man? 
Because he is not a tall black. 

Why is a very discontented man easily satis- 
fied ? Because nothing satisfies him. 

Why are ripe potatoes in the ground like 
thieves ? Because they ought to be taken up. 

Why is the north pole like an illicit whisky 
manufactory ? Because it is a secret still. 



5° 

Why are bells the most obedient of inani- 
mate things ? Because they make a noise 
whenever they are told. 

Why is it unjust to blame coachmen for 
cheating us ? Because we call them to take us 
in. 

What is the difference between a cat and a 
comma ? A cat has its claws at the end of its 
paws, a comma its pause at the end of a clause. 

Why are the makers of the Armstrong guns 
the greatest thieves in her Majesty's service? 
Because they rifle all the guns, forge the 
materials, and steel all the gun breeches. 

How may book-keeping be taught in a lesson 
of three words ? Never lend them. 

Why is a blush an anomaly ? Because a 
woman who blushes is admitted for her cheek. 

Why are Whigs and wigs alike? Because 
they both profess an attachment to the crown. 

What trade is like the sun ? A tanner's. 

What is an extra dry subject? A mummy. 

What is a counter-irritant ? A fashionable 
woman shopping. 

Why are hogs like trees ? Because they root 
for a living. 



5 1 

Why is the moon like a marriage contract ? 
Because it governs the tide. 

Why do girls kiss each other and men not ? 
Because girls have nothing better to kiss, and 
men have. 

What did the muffin say to the toasting-fork ? 
You're too pointed. 

What composer is most noted of modern 
times ? Chloroform. 

What is better than to give credit to whom 
it is due ? Give the cash. 

Which musical instrument is the most moral ? 
An upright piano. 

What is the difference between a dog's tail 
and a rich man ? One keeps a wagging and 
the other keeps a carriage. 

How did Kanry the Eighth differ as a suiter 
from other men? He married his wives and 
axed "them afterward. 

Why does a man's hair generally turn gray 
sooner than his mustache ? Because it is 
about twenty-one years older. 

When did George Washington first take a 
carriage ? When he took a hack at the cherry- 
tree. 



52 

What is the political character of a water- 
wheel ? Revolutionary. 

Why are kisses like the creation ? Because 
they are made of nothing, and God knows they 
are very good. 

Why is a solar eclipse like a mother beating 
her boy ? Because it is a hiding of the son. 



Biblical Conundrums 



Biblical Conundrums 

Who was the first man spoken of in the 
Bible? Chap. I (chap first). 

Who was the first woman spoken of in the 
Bible? Genesis (Jennis Sis). 

At what time of day was Adam created ? A 
little before Eve. 

Spell "Adam's Express Company " with 
three letters. E-v-e. 

What one word in the Bible represents the 
father calling his son and the son's answering ? 
Ben Hadad (Ben, ha-dad). 

Who was a very short man spoken of in the 
Bible? Nehemiah (knee high Miah). 

Who was the strongest man spoken of in the 
Bible ? Jonah, because the whale couldn't keep 
him down. 

Who was the greatest orator spoken of in the 
Bible ? Samson, because he brought the house 
down filled with his enemies. 

Who was the shortest man spoken of in the 
Bible ? Beldad the Shuhite (shoe height). 
55 



56 

Where was paper currency spoken of first in 
the Bible ? Where the dove left the ark and 
brought a green back. 

Wlty was Noah obliged to stoop on entering 
the ark ? Because, although the ark was high, 
Noah was a higher ark (hierarch). 

Who took the first newspaper ? Cain took 
A Bell's (Abel's) Life, and Joshua counter- 
manded the Sun. 

What proof have we that Moses was the most 
wicked man who ever lived ? Because he broke 
the Ten Commandments all at once. 

How long did Cain hate his brother? As 
long as he was Abel (able). 

Where was sestheticism first spoken of in the 
Bible ? Where the IyOrd made Balaam's ass to 
utter. 

When were walking-sticks first mentioned in 
the Bible ? When Eve presented Adam with a 
little Cain (cane). 

What vfur did Adam and Eve wear ? Bear 
(bare) skin. 

Who was the fastest runner in the world ? 
Adam, because he was first in the race. 

When did Moses sleep five in a bed ? When 
he slept with his fore fathers. 



57 

The following is a good sell if properly led 
up to : Who was the first man ? Adam ? 
Who was the first woman ? Eve. Who killed 
Cain? The answer will ver}\likely be Abel. 

What did Job's wardrobe consist of? Three 
wretched comforters. 

What three words did Adam use when he 
introduced himself to Eve which read backward 
and forward the same? Madam, I'm Adam. 

Why was the first day of Adam's life the 
longest ? Because it had no Eve. 

How were Adam and Eve prevented from 
gambling? Their pair o' dice was taken away 
from them. 

What stone should have been placed at the 
gate of Eden after the expulsion ? Adam aint 
in (adamantine). 

What did Adam and Eve do when they were 
expelled from Eden ? They raised Cain. 

Why did Adam bite the apple Eve gave him ? 
Because he had no knife. 

Why was Eve made? For Adam's express 
company. 

Who was the straightest man mentioned in 
the Bible ? Moses, because Pharaoh made a 
ruler of him. 



58 

What evidence have we that Adam used 
sugar ? Because he raised Cain. 

Who was the first man condemned to hard 
labor for life ? Adam. 

Why was the giant Goliath very much aston- 
ished when David hit him with a stone ? Be- 
cause such a thing had never entered his head 
before. 

Which are the two smallest things mentioned 
m the Bible? The widow's mite and the 
wicked flee. 

How is it that Methusalah was the oldest 
man when he died before his father? His 
father was translated. 

How many soft boiled eggs could the giant 
Goliath eat on an empty stomach ? One, after 
wdiich his stomach was not empty. 

What was the difference between Joan of Arc 
and Noah's ark ? One was Maid of Orleans, 
the other was made of wood. 

Where did Noah strike the first nail in the 
ark ? On the head. 

Why was Eve not afraid of the measles? 
Because she'd Adam 'had 'em). 

What church did Eve belong to? Adam 
thought her Eve-angelical. 



59 

What two animals carried the least into the 
ark ? The fox and cock, because they carried 
only a brush and comb between them. 

Who had the first entrance into a theatre ? 
Joseph, when he was taken from the family 
circle and put into the pit. 

In what place did the cock crow so loud that 
all the world heard him? In the ark. 

What became of Lot when his wife was 
turned into a pillar of salt ? He took a fresh 
one. 

Who first introduced salt meat into the navy ? 
Noah, when he took Ham into the ark. 

What animal took most baggage into the 
ark ? The elephant, who took his trunk. 

What confection did they have in the ark ? 
Preserved pairs (pears). 

What man mentioned in the Bible had no 
father ? Joshua, the son of Nun. 

What reason have we to think that Moses 
wore a wig ? Because he was sometimes seen 
w T ith Aaron and sometimes without ' 'Air on 
(hair on). 

Why was Xoah like a hungry cat ? Because 
he went forty days and forty nights without 
finding Ararat. 



6o 

If Solomon was the son of David and Joab 
was the son of Zeruiah what relation was 
Zeruiah to Joab ? His mother. 

Note. — Most persons will answer "his father," 
not remembering that Zeruiah was a woman. 

If " Moses was the son of Pharaoh's daugh- 
ter/' then he must have been the daughter 
of Pharaoh's son. 

Note. — Most persons will say that it was im- 
possible for Moses to have been a daughter, etc. 
It will aid in understanding it to connect the 
words thus ; " daughter- of-Pharoah's son." , 



Poetical Conundrums 



Poetical Conundrums 



Legs I have, but seldom walk ; 
I backbite all, yet never talk. 

A flea. 

I came to a field and couldn't get through it ; 
So I went to a school and learned how to do it. 

Fence. 
My first I hope you are, 
My second I see you are, 
My whole I know you are, 

Wel-come. 

My first's a dirty little brute, 
My second's at the end on't ; 
My third like many an honest man, 
Is on a fool dependent. 

Pig-tail. 

By equal division — I know I am right — 
The half of thirteen 3-011' 11 find to be eight. 

XIII ™ T VIII. 

AIII 

M3 r number, definite and known, 
Is ten times ten told ten times o'er ; 

One-half of me is one alone, 

The other exceeds all count and score. 

Thou-sand. 

63 



^ 



6 4 

There's a word composed of three letters alone, 
Which reads backwards and forwards the 
same ; 
It expresses the sentiments warm from the 
heart, 
And to beauty lays principal claim. 

Eye. 

The cat did my first with a curl of her tail, 
When the game she had made quite secure 

By means of my second and not of my whole, 
As she ought to have done, I am sure. 

Pur-chase. 

Pray tell me, ladies, if you can, 

Who is that highly favored man, 

Who though he has married many a wife, 

May still live single all his life ? 

A clergyman. 

Can you tell me why a hypocrite's eye 
Can better descry than } t ou or I, 
On how many toes a pussy cat goes ? 

A man of deceit can best count-er-feit ; 

And so, I suppose, can best count her toes. 

Without my first you'd look very strange, 
My second you much want to be ; 
My whole is what many a lady has worn, 
At a ball, an assembly, or play. 

Nose-gay. 



65 

Two letters often tempt mankind, 
And those who yield will surely find 
Two others ready to enforce 
The punishment that comes of course. 

X-S and D-K (excess and decay). 

My first doth affliction denote, 

Which my second is destined to feel ; 

My whole is a sweet antidote 

That affliction to soothe and to heal. 

Wo-man ! 

My first of anything is half, 

My second is complete ; 
And so remains until once more 

My first and second meet. 

Semi-circle. 

My first makes company, 
My second shuns company, 
My third assembles company, 
My whole puzzles company. 

Co-nun-drums. 

Safe on a fair one's arm my first may rest, 
And raise no tumult in a husband's breast ; 
To those who neither creep, nor run, nor fly, 
The want of legs my second will supply. 
My whole's a rival of the fairest toast, 
And when I'm liked the best I suffer most. 

Muf-fin. 



66 

What is that which is 
The beginning of eternity, 
The end of time and space, 
The beginning of every end, 
The end of every race ? 

fetter E. 

Your initials begin with an A, 

You've an A at the end of your name, 

The whole of your name is an A, 

And its backward and forward the same. 

Anna ! 

We are airy little creatures, 

Each have different forms and features ; 

One of us in glass is set, 

Another you will find in jet ; 

A third, less bright, is set in tin, 

A fourth a shining box within ; 

And the fifth, if you pursue, 

It will never fly from you. 

Vowels. 

My first a baby does when you pinch it ; 

My second a lady says when she doesn't mean 

it; 
My third exists and no one e'er has seen it ; 
And my whole contains the world's best half 

within it. 

Cri-no-line. 






6 7 

Formed long ago, yet made to-day, 
I'm most employed while others sleep ; 

What none would like to give away, 
Yet no one likes to keep. 

Bed. 

What's that? What's that? Oh! I shall 
faint, 
Call, call the priest to lay it ! 
Transpose it, and to king and saint, 
And great and good you pay it. 

Spectre ; respect. 

How shall the following be read ? 
Yy u r yy u b 
I c u r yy 4 me. 
Answer. — Too wise you are, 

Too wise you be ; 
I see you are 
Too wise for me. 

How shall the following be read ? 
U o a o, but I o thee ; 

O o no o, but O o me ; 
Then let my o thy o be 
And give o o I o thee. 
Answkr. — 
You sigh for a cipher, but I sigh for thee ; 

Oh ! sigh for no cipher, but oh ! sigh for me ; 
They let my cipher thy cipher be ; 

And give sigh for sigh, for I sigh for thee. 



68 

How shall the following stanza be read that 
it may be true ? 

There is a lady in the land 
With twenty nails on each hand, 
Five-and-twenty on hands and feet, 
This is true without deceit. 

Answer. — 

There is a lady in the land 
With twenty nails ; on each hand 
Five, and twenty on hands and feet, 
This is true without deceit. 



French Conundrums 



French Conundrums 



Je suis le capitaine de vingt quatre Soldats, 
et sans moi Paris serait pris. 

The letter A. 

Pourquoi les amateurs du beau sexe vont-ils 
souvent a 1' hippodrome ? 

Arm d'etre en cerque assis. 

Quelle difference y-a-t-il entre le souverain 
de la Perse et le Viceroi d'Egypte. 

C'est que Tun est chat (Shah) et l'autre pas 
chat (Pacha). 

Quel est le peuple le moins gai de l'univers ? 

L,e peuple Persan, parse qu'el est gouverne 
par un Schah (chat), et que le schah fait fuir 
les souris. 

A French friend wishes to know : Vai ze 
Keeng ov Eatalee ees laike von seengair at ze 
opera oo ees loozeng ess voice ? 

Parce qu'il a perdu sa voix (Savoie). 

Pourquoi les Carthagenois portaient-ils tou- 
jours des gants ? 

Parce qu'ils n'aimaient pas Tair aux mains 
(les Romans) ! 

7i 



72 

Quand un gant resetnble-t-il an nutnero 
vingt cinq. 

Quand il est neuf et tres etroit (et treeze et 
trois) ! 

Un felon pent il prendu pour devise, — " Hon- 
neur a Dieu ' ' ? 

Non, car il faut qu'il dise, — "Adieu, hon- 
neur ! " 

Je ne suis par ce que je suis ; car si j'etais ce 
que suis, je ne serais pas ce que je suis, cepen- 
dant je suis ce que je suis ; devinez que je suis ? 

Un domestique qui suit sa maitresse. 



Arithmetical Puzzles 



Arithmetical Puzzles 



Write eleven thousand eleven hundred and 
eleven. 

Method. — 11,000+1,100+11=12,111. 

What four United States coins will amount to 
fifty-one cents ? 

Answer. — Two twenty five cent pieces and 
two half cents. 

Place three 6's together so as to amount to 7. 

Method.— 6^=7. 

- Place three 2's together so as to make 24. 
Method. — 22 + 2=24. 

Place three 3's together so as to make 24. 
Method. — 3^-3=24. 

Take one from nine and make it ten. 
Method. — Write nine thus, IX ; take away 
the I we have X. 

Add one to nine and make it twenty. 
Method. — Nine is IX ; cross the I we have 
XX. 

75 



7 6 

Prove that one taken from nineteen leaves 
twenty. 

Method. — Take the I from XIX, and we 
have XX. 

Make four straight lines and then add five 
straight lines and make ten. 

Method.— MM; TEN. 

Prove that the half of eleven is six. 

Method. — In XI draw a line thus, j\, the 
upper half is VI. 

Prove that one added to twenty is nineteen. 
Method.— Add I to XX we have XIX. 

What number of three figures multiplied by 
8 will make exactly 10? 

Answer. — 1% or 1.25. 

Does the top of a carriage-wheel move faster 
than the bottom ? If so, explain the reason. 

Answer. — The top always moves faster than 
the bottom. 

Which is greater, and how much, six dozen 
dozen or a half a dozen dozen ; or is there no 
difference between them ? 

The former. 



77 

Which is heavier, a pound of gold or a pound 
of feathers ? 

Answer. — The pound of feathers, because 
it is weighed by Avoirdupois weight, while 
gold is weighed by Troy weight. 

Take fifty, add a cipher, add five, add the 
fifth of eight, and the total is the sum of 
human happiness. 

Answer. —LOVE. 

Six ears of corn are in a hollow stump ; how 
long will it take a squirrel to carry them all out 
if he takes out three ears a day ? 

Remark. — The ' ' catch " is on the word ears . He 
takes out two ears on his head and one ear of corn 
each day ; hence, it takes six days. 

' How to prove, by mathematical principles, 
that two unequal numbers are equal, as 4=2. 

Method.— All will admit that 8-8=4-4. 
Divide both of these by 2-2, and the quotient 
will be equal. Thus, 

8— 8_4— 4 



2—2 



or 4=2 



Supposing there are more persons in the 
world than any one has hairs on his head ; 
then there must be at least two persons who 
have the same number of hairs on their head 
to a hair. Show how this is. 



78 

Place 17 little sticks — matches for 
instance — making 6 equal squares, 
as in the margin. Then remove 5 
sticks, and leave three perfect squares 
of the same size. 

Answer — The method of doing this 
is indicated in the margin of this 
answer. 

A and B have an 8 gallon cask full of wine, 
which they wish to divide into two equal parts, 
and the only measures they have are a 5- 
gallon cask and a 3 -gallon cask. How shall 
they make the division with these two vessels ? 

Method. — First fill the 3-gallon cask from the 
8-gallon cask ; then pour these 3 gallons into the 
5-gallon cask ; then fill the 3-gallon cask again, 
and fill the 5-gallon cask from the 3-gallon cask ; 
this will leave 1 gallon in the 3-gallon cask ; then 
empty the 5-gallon cask into the 8-gallon cask, 
pour the 1 gallon from the 3-gallon cask into the 
5-gallon cask, and fill the 3-gallon cask from the 
8-gallon cask. There will then be 4 gallons in the 
3-gallon cask. 

Two men in an oyster saloon laid a wager as 
to which could eat the most oysters. One ate 
ninety-nine and the other ate a hundred, and 
won. How many did both eat ? 

Remark. — The catch is on a hundred and won. 
When spoken it sounds as if it meant " one ate 
ninety-nine and the other ate a hundred and one ;" 
hence, the result usually given is two hundred. 
The correct result is one hundred and ninety-nine. 



79 

If a room with S corners had a cat in each 
corner, seven cats before each cat, and a cat on 
each cat's tail, what would be the whole num- 
ber of cats ? 

Answer. — Eight cats. 

Tell a person to think of a number, multiply 
by 3, multiply the product by 2, divide the re- 
sult by 6, add 25, subtract the number thought 
of, divide by 4, and then tell him what his re- 
sult is. 

Method. — The result will be five. The reason 
is clear. By multiplying by 3 and 2 and dividing 
by 6 he has obtained the number thought of. Add 
20, he has the number thought of, plus 20 ; then 
subtract the number thought of, and he has 
twenty. Now I know he has twenty ; hence, I can 
tell him what he has if he divides by 4. 

A farmer having an ox-chain consisting of 
15 links, broke it into five equal parts and took 
it to a blacksmith to be welded together. The 
blacksmith agreed to repair it for 50 cents for 
each welding ; but when he presented his bill 
he charged for four weldings, making the bill 
$2.00. The farmer objected to the bill, saying 
that it should have been repaired with only 
three weldings. How was it to be done~? 

Method. — Each piece consisted of three links ; 
cut open the three links of one piece and use these 
to connect the other four pieces of the chain. 



8o 

Think of a number, multiply by six, divide 
by three, add forty, divide by two ; name the 
result, and I will name the number thought of. 

Method. — Multiplying by six and dividing by 
three gives twice the number ; add forty we have 
twice the number, plus fort5 r , divide by two we 
have once the number, plus twenty ; hence, if I 
subtract twenty from the result he gives me I have 
the number thought of. 

Let a person select a number greater than i 
and not exceeding 10. I will add to it a num- 
ber not exceeding 10, alternately with himself; 
and, although he has the advantage in select- 
ing the number to start with, I will reach the 
even hundred first. 

Method. — I make my additions so that the 
sums are 12, 2$, 34, 45, etc., to 89, when it is evi- 
dent I can reach the hundred first. With one who 
does not know the method, I need not run through 
the entire series, but merely aim for 89, and when 
the secret of this is seen aim at 78, then 6j, etc. 

Think of a number of 3 or more figures, 
divide by nine, and name the remainder ; erase 
one figure of the number, divide by 9, and tell 
me the remainder and I will tell you what 
figure you erased. 

Method. — If the second remainder is less than 
the first, the figure erased is the difference between 
the remainders ; but if the second remainder is 
greater than the first, the figure erased equals 9, 
minus the difference of the remainders. 



8i 

Let a person tliink of any number on the dial 
face of a watch. I will then point to various 
numbers, and at each he will silently add one to 

the number selected, until he arrives at twenty, 
which he will announce aloud ; and my pointer 
will then be on the number he selected. 

Method. — I point promiscuously about the face 
of the watch until the eighth point, which should 
be on the "12." I then pass regularly around 
toward the "1" pointing at "11, " "10," "9/' 
etc., until "twenty" is called, when my pointer 
will be over the number selected. 

Take nine from six and ten from nine and 
fifty from forty, and six will remain. 
SIX IX XL 

__IX _X L 

S I X 

-Two-thirds of six is nine, one-half of tw T elve 
is seven, the half of five is four, and six is 
half of eleven. 

Method.— Two-thirds of SIX is IX, the upper 
half of XII is VII, the half of FIVE is IV, and the 
upper half of XI is VI. 

Two men have 24 ounces of fluid which they 
wish to divide between them equally. How 
shall they effect the division, provided they 
have only three vessels ; one containing 5 oz., 
the other 11 oz., and the third 13 oz. ? 

Method. — The method is similar to the division 
of 8 gallons in the question on page jS. 



82 

Three persons own 51 quarts of rice, and 
have only two measures ; one a 4-quart, the 
other a 7-quart measure. How shall they 
divide it into three equal parts ? 

Method. — One-third of 51 is 17 ; so each must 
have 17 quarts. To measure 17 quarts fill the 7- 
quart measure twice and pour into some large 
vessel, making 14 quarts ; then fill the 7-quart 
measure, draw off 4 quarts in the 4-quart measure, 
and then pour the remaining 3 quarts in the vessel 
containing the T4 quarts. 

Think of a number composed of two unequal 
digits, invert the digits, take the difference 
between this and the original number, name 
one of the digits and I will name the other. 

Method. — The sum of the digits in the differ- 
ence is always nine ; hence, when one is named 
the other equals 9, minus the one named. 

Take any number, consisting of three con- 
secutive digits and permutate them, making 6 
numbers, and take the sum of these numbers, 
divide by 6, and tell me the result and I will 
tell you the digits of the number taken. 

Method.— The quotient consists of three equal 
digits ; the digits of the number taken are : 1st. 
one of these equal digits ; 2d. this digit increased 
by a unit ; 3d. this digit diminished by a unit. 
The same principle holds when the digits of the 
number taken differ by 2, 3, or 4 It is a very 
pretty problem to prove that the sum is always 
divisible by 9 and 18. 



83 

Take any number, divide it by 9, and name 
the remainder. Multiply the number by some 
number which I name, and divide the product 
by 9, and I will name the remainder. 

Method. — To tell the remainder, I multiply the 
first remainder by the number by which I told 
them to multiply the given number, and divide 
this product by 9. The remainder is the second 
number obtained. 

Think of a number greater than 3, multiply 
it by 3 ; if even, divide it by 2 ; if odd, add 1, 
and then divide by 2. Multiply the quotient 
by 3 ; if even, divide by 2 ; if odd, add 1, and 
then divide by 2. Now divide by 9 and tell the 
quotient without the remainder, and I will tell 
you the number thought of. 

Method. — If even both times, multiply the quo- 
tient by 4; if even 2d and odd i^t, multiply by 
4 and add 1 ; if even 1st and odd 2d, multiply by 
4 and add 2 ; if odd both times, multiply by 4 and 
add 3. 

Suppose it were possible for a man in Cin- 
cinnati to start on Sunday noon, when the sun 
is in the meridian, and travel westward with 
the sun so that it might be in his meridian all 
the time. Now it was Sunday noon when he 
started, it has been noon with him all the way 
round, and is Monday noon when he returns. 
The question is, at what point did it change 
from Sunday noon to Monday noon ? 



8 4 

Take any number, subtract the sum of the 
digits, strike out any digit from the remainder, 
tell me the sum of the remaining digits, and I 
will tell you the digit struck out. 

Method. — Subtract the "sum of the remain- 
ing digits " from the smallest multiple of nine 
greater than "the sum." The remainder will be 
the digit struck out. 

In the bottom of a well, 45 feet deep, there 
was a frog which commenced traveling toward 
the top. In his journey he ascended 3 feet 
every day, but fell back 2 feet every night. In 
how many days did he get out ? 

Method. — He gains 1 foot a day, and in 42 days 
he is 3 feet from the top ; and on the 43d day he 
reaches the top. 

Think of any three numbers less than 10. 
Multiply the first by 2 and add 5 to the pro- 
duct. Multiply this sum by 5 and add the 
second number to the product. Multiply the 
last result by 10 and add the third number to 
the product ; then subtract 250. Name the re- 
mainder and I will name the numbers thought 
of and in the order in which thev were thought 
of. 

Method. — The three digits composing this re- 
mainder will be the numbers thought of ; and the 
order in which they were thought of will be the 
order of hundreds, tens, and units. 



85 

If a man had a triangular lot of land, the 
largest side being 136 rods, and each of the 
other sides 68 rods ; what would be the value 
of the grass on it at the rate of $10 an acre ? 

Remark. — The "catch" in this is that the 
sides given will form no triangle. 

Says A to B : " Give me four weights and I 
can weigh any number of pounds not exceed- 
ing 40. ' ' Required the weights and the method 
of weighing. 

Answer. — The weights are 1,3, 9, and 2j pounds. 
In weighing we must put one or more in both 
scales, or some in one scale and some in another : 

thus, 7 lbs. =9 lbs.+l lb. — 3 lbs. 

Three men traveling with their wives came 
to a river which they wished to cross. There 
was but one boat and but two could cross at 
one time ; and since the husbands were jealous 
no woman could be wdth a man unless her own 
husband was present. In what manner did 
they get across the river ? 

Method. — Let the persons be denoted A, B, and 
C, and Mrs. A, Mrs. B, and Mrs. C. First Mr. A 
and M ... A go over ; then A comes back and Mrs. 
B and Mrs. C go over ; then Mrs. A comes back 
and Mr. B and Mr. C go over ; then Mr. B and 
Mrs. B return and Mr. A and Mr. B go over ; then 
Mrs. C returns and Mrs. A and Mrs. B go over ; 
then Mr. C returns and takes his wife, Mrs. C, 
over. 



86 



A man having a fox, a goose, and some corn 
came to a river which it was necessary to cross. 
He could, however, take only one across at a 
time, and if he left the goose and corn while he 
took the fox over, the goose would eat the 
corn ; but if he left the fox and goose, the fox 
would kill the goose. How shall he get them 
all safely over ? 

Method. — First he takes the goose over, then 
returns and takes the fox over, then brings the 
goose back and takes the corn over, and then re- 
turns and takes the goose over again. 

How may the 9 digits be ar- 
ranged in a rectangular form 
so that the sum of any row, 
whether horizontal, vertical, 
or diagonal, shall equal 15? 

Answer. — As in the mar- 
gin. 



How may the first 
16 digits be arranged 
so that the sum of the 
vertical, the horizontal, 
and the two oblique 
rows may equal 34 ? 



492 

3 5 7 

8 1 6 



Answer. - 
margin. 



-As in the 



I 


16 


11 


6 


13 


4 


7 




8 


9 


14 


3 


12 


5 


2 


15 



87 



In what man- 
ner may the first 
25 digits be ar- 
ranged so that 
the sum of each 
row of five fig- 
ures mav equal 

65? 

Answer. — As 
in the margin. 



I 


10 


12 


18 


24 


9 


n 


20 


22 


3 


13 


19 


21 


5 

6 


7 


17 


23 


4 


15 


25 


2 


8 


14 


16 



An old Jew took a diamond cross to a jew- 
eler to have the diamonds reset, and fearing 
the jeweler might be dishonest., he counted the 
diamonds and found that they numbered 7 in 
three different ways. Now the jeweler stole 
two diamonds, but arranged the remainder so 
that they counted 7 each way as before. How 
was it done ? 



Method. — The form of the 
cross when left is represented 
by Fig. 1, and when returned 
by Fig. 2, It will be seen by 
the figures how the diamonds 
were counted by the old Jew, 
and how they were arranged by 
the jeweler, who "jewed" the 
Jew. 



Fig. I. 

7 

6 

656 

4 

3 
2 

1 



Fie 



7 



7 
767 

5 
4 
3 
2 
1 



Take 10 pieces of money, lay them in a row, 
and require some one to put them together into 
heaps of two in each heap by passing each piece 
over two others. 

Method. — Let the pieces be denoted by the 
numbers i, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10. Then place 7 
on 10, 5 on 2, 3 on 8, 1 on 4, and 9 on 6. 

A man goes to a store and purchases a pair 
of boots worth $5 and hands out a $50 bill to 
pay for them. The merchant, not being able 
to make the change, goes over the street to a 
broker and gets the bill changed and then re- 
turns and gives the man who bought the boots 
his change. After the purchaser of the boots 
had been gone a few hours the broker, finding 
the bill to be a counterfeit, comes and demands 
$50 of good money from the merchant. How 
much does the merchant lose ? 

Remark. — At first glance some say $45 and the 
boots, some $50 and the boots, some $95 and the 
boots, and others $100 and the boots. . Which is 
correct ? 

A vessel with a crew of 30 men, half of 
whom were black, became short of provisions 
and fearing that unless half the crew were 
thrown overboard all would perish, the captain 
proposed to the sailors to stand upon deck in a 
row and every ninth man be thrown overboard 
until half the crew were destroyed. It so hap- 



8 9 

pened that the whites were saved. Required, 
the order of arrangement. 

ArfswEtf.— W WWWBBBBBWWBWW 
W B W B B W W B B B W B B W W B. This 
can easily be proved by trial, using letters or figures 
to represent men. 

Suppose a hare is 10 rods before a hound, 
and that the hound runs 10 rods while the hare 
runs i rod. Now, when the hound has run 10 
rods the hare has run i rod ; hence they are 
now i rod apart, and when the hound has run 
that one rod the hare has run ^ of a rod ; hence 
they are now j-$ of a rod apart, and when the 
hound has run the y 1 ^ of a rod they are jfa of 
a rod apart ; and in the same way it may be 
shown the hare is always T ! ^ of the previous 
distance ahead of the hound ; hence the hound 
can never catch the hare. How is the contrary 
shown mathematically ? How far will the 
hound run to catch the hare. 

Answer. — The distance the hound runs will be 
represented by the series io+i+rV+nhr+ToW, to 
infinity. The sum of this series can be found by 

the algebraic formula S= -^, in which a=io and 
r=fV« Substituting the value of a and r we have 

ft— 10 — -*# -100— TT i 

i-tV - * - 9 9 ' 

This may be solved more simply as follows : 
The hound runs io times as fast as the fox, hence 
io times the distance the fox runs equals the dis- 
tance the hound runs. Then io times the distance 



90 

the fox runs, minus once the distance the fox runs, 
which is 9 times the distance the fox runs, is 10 
rods ; and once the distance the fox runs is J of 10 
rods, or -V - rods ; and 10 times the distance the fox 
runs, or the distance the hound runs, is 10 times 
V-or 1 ^, or ii i rods. 

If through passenger trains, running to and 
from Philadelphia and San Francisco daily, 
start at the same hour from each place (differ- 
ence of longitude not being considered) and 
take the same time— seven days — for the trip, 
how many through trains will the Pacific Ex- 
press, that leaves the San Francisco depot at 
9 p. m. Sunday, have met when it reaches the 
Philadelphia depot ? 

Answer. — As the Pacific Express starts from 
San Francisco, a train which left Philadelphia the 
previous Sunday reaches San Francisco, which is 
not to be counted as a meeting of trains. There are, 
however, six other trains on the way which it will 
meet. Also, a train starts from Philadelphia on 
the same Sunday as the train starts from San 
Francisco, another on Monday, another on Tues- 
day, etc., up to Saturday — that is, seven trains, 
all of which it meets, making, with the six trains 
previously started, thirteen trains in all which 
it meets. A train leaves Philadelphia on Sunday 
at the same time the Pacific Express reaches there, 
but this is not counted as a meeting. 

A switch siding to a single-track railroad is 
just long enough to clear a train of eight cars 
and a locomotive. How can two trains of six- 



9i 

teen cars and a locomotive, each going in oppo- 
site directions, pass each other at this siding 
and each locomotive remain with, and have the 
same relative position to its own train after as 
before passing ? 

Answer. — Let one train d 

and its locomotive be de- \. 

noted by A, and the other ^^^ 

train and locomotive by B, & a a 

and let the track be denoted by a b and the siding 
by c d, and suppose train A to be going in the di- 
rection of a b, and train B in the direction of b a. 
Then let locomotive B, with eight cars, run out 
towards, past c, and back up on the siding with 
its eight cars ; then let train A run out toward b, 
past c ; then let B draw its eight cars on to the 
main track and run out toward a ; then let train 
A back over toward a, past c, and locomotive A be 
detached from train A and run over toward b and 
connect with the eight cars of train B and draw 
them over past c, and back them up on the siding, 
and then run off the siding and connect again with 
its own cars and run on toward b, past*:/ then let 
locomotive B back its eight cars and, turning on 
the siding, connect the two halves of its train and 
move off past a, the train A moving on at the same 
time past b. 

A and B went to market with 30 pigs each. 
A sold his pigs at 2 for $1, and B sold his pigs 
at the rate of 3 for $1, and they, together, re- 
ceived $25. The next day A went to market 
alone with 60 pigs, and, wishing to sell at the 



92 

same rate, sold them 5 for $2, and received 
onry $24. Why should he not receive as much 
as when B owned half of the pigs ? 

Answer. — The rate of 2 pigs for $1 is 1 pig for 
$1, and the rate of 3 pigs for $1 is 1 pig for $% ; the 
average rate is 2 pigs for $i+$i, or $f , or 1 pig for 
$r\. The rate of 5 pigs for $2 is 1 pig for $f: So 
it is seen that the reason A did not receive as much 
is that he sold his pigs at a less rate than when 
they both went to market. 

Two hunters killed a deer and sold it by the 
pound in the woods. They had no proper 
means of weighing it, but knew their own 
weights— one 130 pounds and the other 190 
pounds. They placed a rail across a fence so 
that it balanced with one of them on each end. 
They then exchanged places, the lighter man 
taking the deer in his lap, and the rail again 
balanced.; what was the weight of the deer ? 

Answer. — Let the weight of the deer be denoted 
by D ; then, by the principles of the lever, we 
have the proportion : 

130 : 190 = 190 : 130 -)- D : 
Or, 130 (130 + D) = 190 X 190 ; 
Whence. 16900 -}- 130 D = 36100 : 
Or, 130 D = 19200 ; 

And, D = i47 T V 

Who can solve the following problem ? 
A hundred and one by fifty divide, 
And next let a cipher be duly applied, 



-A 



93 

And if the result you should rightly divine, 
You'll find that the whole makes but one out 
of nine. 

Explanation.— CI, CLI, CLIO (Clio, the muse 
of history, one of the nine muses). 

Suppose the figure to 
represent railroad tracks, 
C D and E F being each 
the length of a car or loco- 
motive, and a and b each representing a car on 
the track and c representing a locomotive on 
E F. Now how can the locomotive change the 
relative position of a and b so that b will be on 
the track where a is and a will be on the track 
where b is ? 

Answer. — The locomotive c backs a down and 
out toward A, then runs over toward B and backs 
b up on E F, then runs back toward B and goes 
over toward A, then runs up C E and draws b down 
on CE, then runs over toward A and gets car a, 
draws it over toward B and backs it up on D E. It 
can also be readily done by first backing a down 
on A C and drawing to and leaving- it on C D. 



TALKS 



CONTENTS 



MONOLOGUES 

PAGE 

My Experience in the Dry Goods Business 7 

A Few Remarks on Pants 10 

A Lesson in Etiquette 13 

When I was a Baker 16 

The Story of the Old Arm- Chair IJ 

My Son John 20 

Patents Applied For 2^ 

Salt Water Adventures 27 

Hard Luck 30 

Hannah Beasley 33 

A Quiet Summer Resort 35 

What I saw in Washington 39 

The Hebrew Children . 41 

A Fowl Proceeding 44 

3 



4 CONTENTS 

PAGE 

My Wife 46 

My Boarding Houses 49 

The Horse Business 51 

The Stock Broker 54 

Superstition 58 

The Census Enumerator 62 

POETIC EFFUSIONS 

The Minstrel's Seven Ages 66 

Poetic Inspiration 69 

Willie and his Esmeralda 70 

An Adhesive Poem 72 

Only 73 

A " Yaller " Dog's Love for a Nigger 75 

PARODIES ON POPULAR SONGS 

Down on the Farm 77 

In the Gloaming 79 

The Moss Covered Onion 80 

Banana 81 

The Blue Alsacian Mountains 83 



CONTENTS 5 

PAGE 

Think it Over 84 

Home, Sweet Home 85 

Grandfather's Pants 87 

Montravers O'Brien 89 

SAMPLES OF MY PRIVATE CORRESPONDENCE 

Ex-President Cleveland's Anniversary Letter (Written on his 

50th Birthday) 96 

John McCullough's Indorsement 96 

An Invitation from Sara Bernhardt 97 

From the Rev. Dr. Houghton 98 

" Eli Perkins's " Letter 98 

English Wit and Sarcasm 99 

From a Composer 100 

An Application from an "Artist " 101 

The " Shindig " did it 103 

A Lost Opportunity 103 

Terms Accepted 104 

A Good Subject 105 

A Rival Intercepted 105 



6 CONTENTS 

PAGE 

Contrary Opinions ........... 106 

Written Under Difficulties 107 

CONDENSED TALKS 

On Various Subjects no 

Clippings from the Press 1 15 

Advice to Amateurs 123 

What Constitutes Successful Management 130 

Valedictory 138 



MONOLOGUES 



MY EXPERIENCE IN THE DRY GOODS 
BUSINESS 



When I was a boy, a little after seven- 
teen — about half-past seventeen — I was 
compelled to stand behind a dry goods 
counter all day long, and unless you have 
had some experience as a u tape wrestler," 
you cannot imagine how irksome it becomes 
to one of a sensitive nature and so highly 
strung as I am. In fact, all my relations 
are high strung. I had a cousin who was 
hanged, but it wasn't through dry goods, 
and it was very much against his will. He 
was fortunate in one respect — he escaped 
the trying existence of a dry goods clerk. 

Just imagine three or four hundred ladies 
coming in all at one time, asking different 

7 



8 TALKS 

questions and seeing who can give you the 
most work. For instance, one of them 
makes you pull down the too bolt on the 
top shelf. You tell her you have the same 
shade on the lower shelf. She says she 
" don't like lower-shelf shade. " Then you 
have to climb up and pull down that bolt 
of cloth for her. She looks at it, pinches 
it, holds it up to the light, asks you " will 
it wash?" "will it shrink?" "is it cut 
bias?" or "who is it cut by?" Sa}^s, "I 
don't think I'll take it — saw a remnant at 
Wanamaker's, twenty-four cents a yard — 
same stuff." All the time she's talking to 
you she's got her eye on another bolt on 
the top shelf. You've got to get up after 
that. By that time she has found out } t ou 
can climb. Then she says,. " won't you 
please tell me where the ribbon counter is," 
and walks out of the store. 

But that isn't anything. I was paid to do 
that, and it was my business. But just fancy 
the questions they asked me, and I only seven- 



TALKS 9 

teen years old. A lady came into the store 
one day and said, " Young man, have yon got 
any kids?" I bet I blushed — she meant gloves 
— kid gloves. An old lad} 7 came in one day 
and said she wanted some "Moreantique." I 
said, u Ho\v much have you had now?" and 
she said, "Had what?" I said, "How much 
have you had on tick ?" Laws! but she was 
mad. She took out her smelling bottle, 
pulled out the cork, and I was laid up with 
catarrh for three weeks. 

A lady came in one day and said, "Can 
I see your hose ?" I said, "Ma'am?" She 
said, "Could I see your stockings?" I said, 
"Now?" She said, k 'Do you keep ladies' 
hose ?" I said, " Yes'm, when we can't sell 
'em we keep 'em." Then I asked her, 
"What color?" and she said, "Solid color." 
I asked her if she " lived in town ;" she 
said, "Why do you ask ?" I told her "solid 
colors prevail in the country," and sug- 
gested stripes. " They're more worn," I 
said — "worn more, I mean — don't mean 



IO TALKS 

tiiey're worn-out more — but they're worn- 
more out — outside more." I got confused a 
little, but I sold her the hose, at all events. 
There was a woman came in the store 
one day as black as the ace of spades — 
a colored woman — and she wanted a pair 
of flesh-colored stockings. I showed her 
a black pair, and she pulled a stiletto out 
of her hair and was going to stab me. 
I said, "Madam, you asked for flesh-colored 
stockings ; this is the nearest match we 
have." But she wanted white people's flesh- 
colored stockings. I sold her a pair ; they 
must have been as becoming as a stick of 
licorice in a plate of ice-cream. 



A FEW REMARKS ON PANTS 



I was coming down the street just now, 
and upon my word I thought some lunatic 
asylum had broken loose ; everybody was 



i 



TALKS 1 1 

latigliing at me, actually laughing because 
the pockets of my coat hang down so much 
lower than the rest of the garment. I 
don't see anything to laugh at in that. Be- 
sides, I couldn't stop and explain the reason 
to everybody. I couldn't stop and say, eggs^ 
to every one, but that was it — eggs. Yes, I 
had some eggs, and I was carrying them, 
and the eggs got bruised — broke, you know 
— and a bruised egg isn't what it's cracked 
up to be, and I took it to a cleaner's to have 
it cleaned, and everything shrunk but the 
pockets. I think I shall cut the pockets out, 
for they seem to grow longer every day. It 
would improve the appearance of the coat. 
Then, again, if they keep on growing longer, 
I may get enough out of them to make a 
pair of pants. 

By the way, speaking of pants, reminds 
me of a conversation I had with a young 
lady to whom I was paying my ad- 
dresses. I am averse to pa}ang anything 
as a rule, but I made an exception of 



1 2 TALKS 

this particular young lady, and so — 
well, that is neither here nor there. This 
young lady, like most other young ladies, 
had a dog — a pet dog — and it was nip and 
tuck between myself and the other d — I 
mean poodle, as to whose aforesaid ad- 
dresses the young lady fancied the most. 
It was a case of dog eat dog. 

I suppose you don't see what this has to do 
with pants, but I'm coining to it. Well, Fido 
(that was the doggie's dog-on name) was 
playing with me one day on the lawn. We 
would bark at each other, then I'd snap and 
show my teeth, all for the young lady's 
amusement. Occasionally to vary the mo- 
notony, I would throw a little rubber ball 
and Fido would run and fetch it. Finally 
Fido became exhausted, and I remarked to 
my inamorata, "See how the little dog 
pants." Do you know she took me up in 
a moment, and said, "Georgy, you must 
not say ' see how the little dog pants,' it's 
vulgar. You must say ' see how the little 
dog trowsers.' " 



TALKS 13 

A LESSON IN ETIQUETTE 



What a beautiful thing is etiquette ! 
When I was a boy that was the first thing 
my mother taught me. That's the reason 
I am so refined. Why, refinement was all 
we knew at home. In fact, we kept what 
you might call a refinery. You could find 
etiquette all about the house. It's about 
all you could find ; but we lived up to its 
rules. 

Mother was a strict etiquetarian ; but 
there are different kinds of etiquette ; for 
instance, there is table et- and street et- 
and conversational et-, and et-cetera. Oh! 
indeed, we made a constant study of Ches- 
terfield — he used to board with us, he ex- 
changed lessons for board. Now, for ex- 
ample, take table etiquette ; how simple 
to live up to it, and be a gentleman. 
" Chesty" — we always called him " Chesty," 
for short — always impressed upon us that 
we should never eat soup with a sponge ; 



14 TALKS 

and then, again, he says : In the best 
society — the bon-ton, if you belong to the 
400 — it is not good etiquette, when you sit 
down to dinner, to take your shoes off. 

But when we had asparagus, ah ! that's 
what used to tax our etiquette. We didn't 
have it very often, but you know how, 
etiquettly speaking, you have to dally with 
it. We used to take a towel — we had no 
napkins. Well, you take the towel, and 
you wipe your " spar," so-see — just a plain 
towel — no soap — just a plain, dry wipe, thus 
— so it can't slip, when you are prepared to 
seize it. Then you turn your back to the 
guests at the table, and they all close their 
eyes and look out the window. Then you 
clutch the " spar " between your index 
thumb and your convex finger, slide down 
in your chair to an angle of twenty-five de- 
grees, throw your head back, open your 
mouth, and let her slide. 

Then, again, we have conversational eti- 
quette — that was my strong point, but there 



TALKS 15 

are so many different views on this par- 
ticular branch ; for instance, there is the 
Boston and Chicago; see how they differ. 
I'll show you an example that came under 
my observation a short time ago. A Bos- 
ton young man and his Chicago lady love; 
he — the young Bostonese — breaking the 
silence one evening, said to his Chicagoeses : 
" Rosalie" (she, coining from Chicago, he 
called her Rosalie, the Prairie flower) her 
name wasn't Prairie flower, it was Rosalie 
Foot — you know what a Chicago foot is — but 
I digress. He said, " Rosalie, I have been 
musing 011 Browning, immortal Browning ; 
his words are ever like a mystic throb, and 
Swinburne, too ; what a divine master of 
sensuous perspective. I hardly know which 
I poetically adore the most. Tell me, Ro- 
salie, which do you like the better ?" That's 
Boston. Then what do you think the Chi- 
cago young lady replied? " Cheese it, Jim, 
you're off your base." There's a contrast. 



1 6 TALKS 

WHEN I WAS A BAKER 



Among my various pursuits in life I 
know of no occupation that ever impressed 
me more forcibly than the bakery business. 
Yes, I was once upon a time a baker. There 
are many worse men than bakers ; history, 
that is, ancient history, tells us that the 
bakers are a rising generation. When I 
was in that line I used to board in a house 
with seven other bakers. We all slept 
in one bed, and when we wanted to turn 
over we all had to turn at once. I was the 
one that used to say " turn," and another 
fellow used to say " ready." As soon as 
they were all ready I'd say " turn," and 
the other fellow would say "ready" and 
over they'd go. 

One night there was a new boarder at 
the house, another baker, and he made eight; 
he was a stranger, and when they all got 
ready to turn, the other fellow said " ready," 
and I said " turn," but the new man didn't 



TALKS 17 

understand it, and lie got his arm broken. 

I was a moral yourrg man when I was 
a baker. I used to go to church every 
Sunday, but there is one particular Sunday 
that is vividly impressed upon my mind. 
The preacher was telling us all about what 
was right and what was wrong, but un- 
fortunately I was half asleep. I don't ex- 
actly remember which half, but the preacher 
was very earnest, and he told us to prepare 
ourselves, and he shouted out " are you 
ready? — are you ready?" — just then I woke 
up quick and said "turn." I was so 
ashamed of myself that I didn't go to church 
again for two years. 



THE STORY OF THE OLD ARM-CHAIR 



I want to tell you a little story about an 
old lady. To begin with, or, that is, to 
finish with, to begin my stor}~ and to finish 
the old lad} T , she died. Of course, an old 



I 8 TALKS 

lady dies every day, but not this particular 
old lady to whom I refer. Well, as I was 
saying, this old lady was very rich, she was 
worth one hundred thousand dollars when 
she died, and you know it's as hard for a 
rich person to die as it is for a camel to go 
to Heaven. I think I've reversed that, but 
I want to give the camel a chance. 

Well, when the old lady died she was 
dead, and she didn't know her destination, 
but she sent for her summer clothes. You 
see, the papers said she died intestate, but 
she died in New York State. She had two 
boys, both sons, and she left one of the 
boys, the other one the money, and the 
other, other one, son, boy, got just a com- 
mon arm-chair. Of course, the other bo} T , 
son, why he laughed a sarcastic laugh at 
his brother, but he just took the chair, and 
he got married. After he got married his 
wife took the chair. 

And all this time the other son was hav- 
ing a high old time with his hundred tlicu- 



TALKS 19 

sand dollars, buying lottery tickets and pea- 
nuts, and all sorts of luxuries. 

Business was awful bad with the other 
boy that had the arm-chair. You see, he 
was a musician ; he used to play the banjo 
at funerals ; he would get a dollar and a 
quarter a funeral, but the people round 
about where he lived were so healthy they 
wouldn't die, so he set up in a new busi- 
ness. He was a fretter. I guess you don't 
know what that is, so I'll explain it. You 
see, if anybody in town was worried or 
owed any money or had to meet a note and 
couldn't do it, why they used to hire him to 
fret for them, and they could go home and 
sleep or go about their business. It was a 
great relief to their minds, but there was so 
much opposition he had to give it up. So 
one day he came home loaded with grief 
and something stronger, and he threw him- 
self in the old arm-chair just as hard as he 
could throw his two hundred and fifty 
pounds — you see he weighed quite some — 



20 TALKS 

and the concussion of all those pounds com- 
ing down so unexpectedly on the venerable 
old chair caused a demolition. The old 
chair went into splinters, and, lo! and be- 
hold, hid in its own concealment, in the 
bottom of the chair was two hundred thou- 
sand dollars ; and he went to his brother, 
the other son, who wouldn't give him any- 
thing, and gave him the same, and said, 
" Wouldn't you like to have the old arm- 
chair ?" 

Then he went to Congress, and nobody 
has ever heard of him since. 



MY SON JOHN 



Talk about boys ! I've got one, and for 
downright stupidity he certainty is beyond 
anything I ever saw in all my life. The 
word stupid is not strong enough, it does 
not half express it. He does some of the 
most outlandish things I ever heard tell of. 



TALKS 21 

Now, for an example. My wife sent him 
to the butcher's one day last week to see if 
he had pig's feet. He came back and told 
his mother he couldn't tell, the butcher had 
his shoes on. Stupid and lazy ! Well, the 
fact is he was born tired. Why when we 
want to get him up early in the morning 
we have to wake him up two hours before 
he goes to bed. 

He goes to Sunday-school, and what do 
you think he said last Sunday ? You see, 
the teacher always asks the same questions 
every Sunday. She says to the first boy, 
" Who made yoa ?" Then the little boy re- 
plies, " The Ivord made me." Then she 
asks the next boy — that's my boy, he's No. 
2 — " Who was the first man ?" And he says, 
u Adam," and so on down to the foot of the 
class. Well, last Sunday the first boy was 
absent, so that made my boy first, and the 
teacher began with " Who made you ?" My 
boy said, u Adam." Then the teacher cor- 
rected him and said, " No, no, the Lord 



22 TALKS 

made yon." Then nry boy said r " No, sir ; 
the little boy the Lord made didn't come to- 
day." 

Oh ! he's a great boy, and to add to his 
other accomplishments, he's the biggest 
coward of his size I ever saw. He is fright- 
ened to death at thnnder and lightning. 
Last night he was np-stairs in his bed, his 
mother was in the parlor, and it was rain- 
ing very hard, with an occasional burst of 
thunder. Suddenly his mother heard him 
cry and scream at the top of his voice. She 
ran up-stairs, frightened to death. She 
thought he had a fit, or something. He was 
sitting straight up in bed and screaming 
that he was afraid of the lightning. His 
mother said, " Don't be afraid, Johnny, re- 
member the Lord is with you ; nothing can 
hurt you." " Is He here now, in this room?" 
he asked. " Yes," his mother said, " He's 
always with you." She went down-stairs 
after reassuring him, but she had hardly 
reached the foot of the stairs when there 



TALKS 23 

was a terrible clap of thunder that shook 
the whole house, and Johnny shouted, "Say, 
mother, you come up-stairs and stay with 
the Lord, and I'll go down in the parlor." 



PATENTS APPLIED FOR 



I have a friend ; that is, he isn't a friend, 
but he lives next door to me. His wife 
borrows coal from my wife, and he's a pecu- 
liarly eccentric individual. He's always 
talking about inventions, and going to 
Washington to patent them. You see, when 
you get out anything new, and want to 
secure it, you have to go to Washington, 
and go up to the Patent Office, and ask for 
Mr. Patent, and tell him what you have got, 
and he says ten dollars, or ten hundred, it 
just depends upon what kind of humor he is 
in, and that protects you — till some othei 
fellow gets out an invention just like it, 
and don't go to Washington. Then you 



24 TALKS 

both engage lawyers, and when yon get 
through, the lawyers own both the inven- 
tions, and have mortgages on your life-in- 
surance policies, and all the other little 
delicacies. 

My neighbor, the one I was speaking of. 
has talked inventions to me till I must con- 
fess I have the patent fever myself, but not 
so bad as Blobsom — that's my neighbor's 
name — he is certainl\- in a fair way to gc 
to an insane asylum on the subject — he 
would if it wasn't for the coal. He called to 
me over the fence last Wednesda}\ " Hello, 
old man," says he. "What's wrong, Blob?" 
says I — I call him Blob for short, short 
Blob. But his name isn't Blob for short — 
though he's usually in that condition. 
Well, to continue, he said, " I've got a great 
invention." "What is it?" said L "Fve 
got an invention for removing stains from 
coal — I mean clothing." Of course, being 
a little interested in inventions, I asked 
him the nature of the new discovery. He 



TALKS 25 

replied, " You take a pair of pants with a 
big spot on them, see ?" I told him I was 
not in the habit of taking spotted pants if 
they didn't belong to me. Then he lucidly 
explained — so that I comprehended his 
meaning — and said, " Yon take the pants, 
and hold them in your left hand thus, and 
in your right hand take a pair of scissors, 
and you cut the spot out." " But," said I, 
" you ruin the pants." " I know," said he, 
kk but I get the spot out." 

Then he told me about an invention for 
removing the odor of paint from a house. 
What do you think it was? To "fry 
onions." I asked him how he was going to 
get rid of the smell of the onions, and he 
said, " Put on a fresh coat of paint." Oh! 
he is a wonderfully inventive genius. 

But I am going to apply for a patent on one 
of my own inventions in a few days. It will 
be a great benefit to the laboring classes — a 
blessing to the poor working-man, who 
comes home from a hard day's labor, and 



26 TALKS 

lias to climb up five stories. His wages 
won't permit him to live any higher, and 
the stony-hearted landlord makes him keep 
his coal way down in the cellar. I think it 
is simply barbarism — home the poor fellow 
comes, tired out, eats his supper, goes to 
bed, gets up at six, and has to carry the 
coal up those five flights of stairs to build 
the fire. Now, he can obviate that, he can 
do as I do — send his wife down. 

But that isn't the patent, that one's a little 
convenient invention of my own. I'll take 
you into my confidence, and tell you what ray 
patent is. It's a rat-trap, for trapping raps 
■ — I mean for rapping traps — I should say 
for trapping rats. It's very simple. It's a 
round, oblong, square sort of an oblique, 
triangular object. Well, you get a piece of 
cheese, about as large as an ordinary piece 
of cheese, and you put it in the trap, attach- 
ing it to the automatic valve, on the left of 
the perpendicular observatory, and then you 
get a rat. If you haven't got one, you borrow 



TALKS 27 

one from the neighbors. If you can't bor- 
row one, you find a convenient rat-hole. 
Then you place the trap in front of the hole, 
and you take a newspaper. Then you sit 
down on the floor close to the cheese — I 
should say trap — and hold the paper in 
front of you, and stay there till the rat 
comes out. Then he goes in the trap and 
eats trie cheese, and finally, if you keep 
perfectly quiet, he will devour so much of 
the cheese, will get so overcome, through 
his gluttony, that he can't move. Then 
you remove the newspaper, and make faces 
at him till he dies. 



SALT-WATER ADVENTURES 



I am very fond of the briny deep. I al- 
waj^s had a desire to lead a seafaring life, 
and yacht-racing was always a weakness of 
mine. There was a big yacht-race arranged 
last summer, and all the crack crafts from 



28 TALKS 

every part of the navigable country were to 
take part. " Thousands of vessels will go 
down there loaded with people," I said to 
myself; " and there won't be pilots enough 
there for all of them." So I concluded to 
, go down and get a position as pilot and 
make a little money. Perhaps you don't 
know what a pilot is, so I will explain. A 
pilot is a man who steers vessels across the 
bar. Of course, you know that a bar is a 
place where water is scarce and danger is 
near. Now, when I got down there I com- 
menced steering too many schooners across 
the bar and I had to come back. When I 
was tacking, I struck another bar and came 
near swamping. But I could live on the 
water — with an occasional accompaniment. 
My brother Bill and I went to sea once. It 
wasn't our fault, but we were both so incor- 
rigible that mother concluded to put us out 
of harm's way, but before she sent us on 
board ship she concluded to give us another 
trial. She was very fond of us, though, but 



TALKS 29 

she was afraid of us. She heard there was 
going to be an earthquake down our way — 
she didn't care any more for earthquakes 
than she did for father, so she wrote a note 
to my Aunt Cyntha down the country and 
told her to look out for Bill and me. She 
said she was going to send us down to stay 
a couple of weeks till the earthquake was 
over. We only stayed down there about 
ten hours, when Aunt Cyntha sent us back 
to mother and sent word to send down the 
earthquake. That settled it. The very 
next day we were shipped before the mast — 
that is, we went the same time the mast did. 
Bill didn't like it a bit I'll never forget 
one night on board. You see, there was a 
cannon on board. I said to Bill, " Let's fire 
it off." He said, " The captain might hear 
us." " I guess not," said I ; " we can fix 
that." So I told Bill to take a bucket that 
was on deck and hold it over the mouth of 
the cannon to deaden the sound; so he held 
it over the muzzle and held on to the rail. 



3° TALKS 

The cannon went off, and Bill went with. it. 
The captain came on deck, looked around, 
and asked for Bill. I told him he had gone 
to fetch a bucket of water. Then he asked 
me when he would be back, and I said if he 
came as quick as he went he was due now. 

Mother never knew what became of Bill 
after that, neither did I. 

HARD LUCK 



I think I am the most unfortunate man 
in the world. Of late everything I under- 
take seems to go the wrong way. Last night, 
however, I thought I was going to have my 
luck changed. A man came up to me and 
said, " George, I'll give you a dollar and a 
half to go out to Manayunk and back for 
me if you will do it in twenty minutes." 

I knew I couldn't do it, but I needed the 
money, so I looked all around for a hack. 
They wanted two dollars, a dollar and 
seventjr-five cents, and a dollar and a 



TALKS 31 

quarter. I couldn't get any one to go for a 
dollar and a half Finally I ran across one 
of these old night-hawks. You've seen 
them ; they tie their hacks together with 
strings. They usually have a rope and 
pulley for harness to keep the poor old horse 
011 his feet. 

Well, I got inside, and the "Jehu" 
slammed the door. I couldn't get out if I 
wanted to. No doubt youVe seen the kind 
of hacks I refer to. I told him to drive 
fast, and he went along at a six-forty gait, 
and when I shouted faster, he started the 
old nag up, and how it did shake that poor 
dilapidated rig ! Then I screamed aloud, 
" Xot so fast," but he thought I said faster, 
and on he went. Present!}' we got down to 
the crossing and the bottom fell out of the 
hack, and I had to run all the way inside of 
it out to Manayunk. 

But it was just my luck. Why, if it was 
raining soup I'd be caught with a fork in my 
pocket. Speaking of soup reminds me. I 



32 TALKS 

was so hungry the other day that I could 
hardly close my teeth, but my natural pride 
forbid my making known my condition. I 
could have eaten anything. • Finally I 
passed by a beautiful residence, with a nice 
lawn in front. You can hardly believe it, 
but I was in such a state, I opened the 
gate, went right in on that lawn, and the 
grass looked so green and tempting I began 
to eat it. Just then a very beautiful young 
lady looked out of the upper window at me 
with a most pitiful expression, and said, 
"Are you hungry, young man?" I said, 
" Yes, Miss, I am starving." I could not 
keep the secret any longer, so she said, 
" Wait a minute," and then went away. I 
saw visions of boned turkey and terrapin 
in the distance, but presently she returned 
and said, " Young man, pa says you can go 
in the back yard, the grass is longer there." 



TALKS 33 

HANNAH BEASLEY 



I hope nobody saw me as I came around 
the corner just now. I happened, by the 
purest accident, to meet Miss Beasley — Han- 
nah — and she walked all the way up to the 
corner, and she talks, laws ! you can hear 
her half a mile. She takes up more room 
with her voice than any one I ever saw — her 
voice does travel ! But she is a nice girl, 
and she's a little bit gone on me I think, 
but I can't help that. If I don't recipro- 
cate, it isn't anybody's fault. 

She has a nice gait though, but her nose! 
Well, j^ou talk about noses. She wore it off 
looking through window-panes at parades. 
She isn't very pretty, in fact, she never dares 
go out on Sunday with her face, she'd break 
the Sabbath with it ; but she can't help that. 
It was a birthday present. And then her 
feet ! Well, they're of such dimensions that 
she has to wear her brother's shoes. I never 
saw such feet, and they aren't mates, either- 



34 TALKS 

But I don't like to talk about her, poor girl; 
she isn't well — far from it — she is quite ill. 
Her brother says she has one foot in the 
grave already. There is one consolation 
for the family, she'll never get the other one 
in, not in the same grave, at all events. I 
didn't think she would speak to me to-day — 
in fact, I heard she was around looking for 
me with a Wade & Butcher, but I ex- 
plained the matter and my mind is easier. 

It was such a foolish thing to get mad 
about — just about a dog — a common yaller 
dog. I promised her the dog and he died, 
so I wrote her a letter, and I just said in it, 
" Dearest Hannah, I write to let you know 
the dog I promised you is dead, and I hope 
these few lines will find you the same." 
Now what trifles some women will get mad 
about ! She's not bright, and sometimes 
says very peculiar things. What do you 
think! I was passing a grocery store with 
her just before I came here, and there was 
a basket of cocoanuts out in front, and she 



TALKS 35 

hollered right out, u O George! just look 
at those potatoes with whiskers." 

The first time I met Hannah was down 
at Atlantic City, two years ago, come sum- 
mer before last summer. She was bathing 
— she weighs about 350 pounds, and if you 
could only see her float ! She had her feet 
with her, too, and she dives with such agil- 
ity for a fleshy lady — head first — she has to ; 
if she went feet first she'd never come up 
again. This particular day when I saw 
her she was floating along, on the top of 
the water, her feet up above the tide, and a 
thousand people stood on shore waving their 
handkerchiefs. 

The}- all thought it was a boat race. 



A QUIET SUMMER RESORT 



Last summer I made up my mind to have 
a quiet, old-fashioned, peaceful time. I had 
tried Saratoga, Long Branch, the Catskills, 



36 TALKS 

Atlantic City, and in fact all the fashionable 
resorts, but I longed for a real old, go-to- 
bed-at-nine-and-get-up-at-five resort. So I 
determined to find some spot away from the 
railroads, some sequestered farm-house that 
could accommodate me during the heated 
term. At last, after reading the advertise- 
ments in a morning paper, I struck one that 
seemed to suit my fancy, and I opened ne- 
gotiations at once. 

At the end of a week I was ensconced on 
old Job Robinson's farm in upper New Jer- 
sey. Oh, it was such a change ! — try it ; 
you have no idea what an appetite it gives 
one. Just think of it ! You get up in the 
morning at five o'clock, take a walk out in 
the back lot, about a quarter of a mile from 
the house, and pump water in an antiquated 
tin wash-pan, and with a piece of brown 
soap that's left from Monday's wash you 
proceed to take your morning's ablution. 
Then you dry your face and hands with the 
grass, sit down on a hard bench and look at 



TALKS 37 

the cows for about an hour, until breakfast 
is ready. Such a delightful breakfast ! 
Ham ! But the breakfast is not to be com- 
pared with dinner, for then you have — 
ham. Then you go out in the sunny 
fields and watch them plough, and for nov- 
elty's sake you take a turn at it yourself. 
Oh ! it is such amusement to yell " jee, whoa" 
and " gee up " for about five hours ; it ex- 
pands the lungs, and it gives one such an 
appetite for supper. That is the great meal 
of the day — and consists of— ham ! After 
the third ham — I should say meal — you all 
sit down in the parlor and sing hymns till 
bed-time, and then finally retire to a nice 
airy room. 

I could hear the rain patter on the roof, 
and whatever skipped the roof pattered all 
over the bed. I got up one rainy night to 
look for a life preserver, and my foot went 
down through a stove-pipe hole. After I 
extricated myself I stepped on a lot of 
chestnut burs, and to add to my rural bliss, 



38 TALKS 

when I went to jnmp back in bed I ran a 
scythe in my eye. My bed was evidently 
framed on a new patent. I think they 
called it a toboggan conch. I kept sliding 
down all night. I woke np one morning 
with both feet in a milk-can. 

I shall never forget one morning about 
daybreak, after going through one of my 
usual evenings of broken repose, I espied 
on one of the rafters a bottle with an old 
familiar label, bearing the appearance of 
age, and though the cobwebs had settled 
011 it I could, from the point of view I oc- 
cupied, just distinguish those two gladden- 
ing words, " Old Crow." I said to myself, 
" How thoughtful of the dear old farmer" 
— and as I proceeded to revel in its con- 
tents, I forgave them for the ham and 
chestnut burs. I forgot the scythe and 
stove-pipe hole, and with one gulp I swal- 
lowed half the contents of the bottle before 
I discovered what it was. Horrible to re- 
late — it was goose grease ! 






TALKS 39 

WHAT I SAW IN WASHINGTON 



I have just returned from Washington, 
D. C. I dare say you can tell that by the 
look of anguish on my countenance. 
Henceforth forever and hereafter I forswear 
politics. What is the use of a man sitting 
up all night helping a candidate to spend 
his mone}^ if, after the aforesaid candidate 
is elected, he forgets how, when he has 
shouted, " Set 'em up," you have responded 
to his patriotic appeal. 

Politics are a thing of the past with me, 
and Washington — well, I have up my mind 
to forget that such a place exists. I couldn't 
find my friend ; he was on the Committee 
of Ways and Means. He always had a 
mean way about him, anyhow. I went up 
to the Capitol and asked an old gentleman 
there if he knew my friend, and he said he 
thought he belonged in the House. I said I 
thought so too, at least at bed-time, but he 



40 TALKS 

never was there. He said, "Where?" I 
said, " In his house." The old gent 
laughed and quit me. Then I inquired of 
another party, and he said he was on the 
Investigating Committee. I ventured to 
ask him in what scheme the}' were going 
to invest, and he said, " A scheme to make 
chickens la}' boiled eggs." I asked, " How ?" 
And he said, " By pouring hot water down 
their throats." 

Talk about there being no more cranks 
in Washington ! Why, there are more 
cranks to the square inch than you will find 
on all the base-ball grounds in the Players' 
League. I was bound not to leave there 
until I got some satisfaction. So I went up 
to the White House and saw " Bennie." I 
didn't call him by his first name then. I 
simply rang the bell and told the man that 
came to the door that I had come a Ions: 
way and wanted to see Mr. President Har- 
rison. And he said, "Your name?" And 
almost as soon as I told him, I was shown 



TALKS 41 

into the Blue Room. By the way, that is a 
very appropriate name for a reception-room 
for office-seekers. I said, " Mr. President, 
do you recognize me?" And he replied, 
" Oh ! yes ; I recognize you, but I can't place 
you." He said I should have the first 
vacancy, so I wandered around for a day or 
two and became very disconsolate. Sud- 
denly, one morning, while walking along 
the banks of the Potomac, I saw the body 
of a man floating in the river. I recognized 
it as one of the watchmen of the Treasury 
building. I rushed up to the President at 
once and told him about the vacancy. 
What do you think he said? " Too late — 
I've just appointed the man that saw him 
fall in," 

THE HEBREW CHILDREN 



Some of the best friends I have are He- 
brews, and when you find them as such 
they are staunch ones, and besides a He- 



42 TALKS 

brew can appreciate a joke — even at his 
own expense — as long as it is within the 
limits of reason. There are quite a number 
of them where I board. Isidore Yesk} r is 
staying there now. He don't belong in 
town ; he's a merchant up on the Hudson. 
The} r tell a stor\ T of Isidore something like 
this : He had bought a great many bills 
of goods from Cohen, Cohen & Cohen, and 
that firm, feeling magnanimous, concluded 
to remember him. So they sent the drum- 
mer, Moritz Plovosky, who had made the 
sales to Yesky, and gave him a necktie to 
present to Isidore. Now, Isidore naturally 
became angry at so trifling a present, 
whereupon the drummer returned and told 
the senior partner that Isidore wouldn't take 
the necktie. So the senior partner said : 
"Did he buy much goods, lately ?" (meaning 
Isidore). u Yes," said the drummer, u lie 
bought a thousand-dollar order last week." 
" Did he pay cash ?" asked the elder Cohen. 
" Five hundred dollars cash, and he gave 



TALKS 43 

us his note for five hundred dollars," said 
the drummer. " Well, then, give him the 
note." So Air. Drummer came back to 
Isidore and remarked: " The firm have re- 
considered about the necktie, and they have 
concluded to give you, for a present, your 
note." Then Isidore asked : " Did the 
firm endorse my note?" u No," was the 
replj\ " Then give me the necktie," said 
Isidore. 

There's another Hebrew gentleman and 
his family boarding up at our house — Air. 
Rosenthal, and he has a very bright little 
boy, Jakey, who is only seven years old. 
Jewish children I find to be, as a class, par- 
ticularly sharp. They seem to have a 
natural instinct for shrewdness. Last week 
there was a new arrival in the Rosenthal 
family — a darling little bab} r boy, and Mr. 
Rosenthal called little seven-yeaf-bld Jakey 
in to see the little stranger. He said, 
u Jakey, come tip-stairs ; I want to show } t ou 
the little baby brother I bought you for a 



44 TALKS 

present." Jakej T obej^ed the summons, 
looked the baby over, and after a close in- 
spection discovered a birth-mark behind his 
left ear. Then taking his paternal aside, he 
whispered to him, " Fader, take him back 
again, he's damaged." 



A FOWL PROCEEDING 



If there is one thing more than another 
I am fond of it is chickens. I have a per- 
fect mania for raising fowls of every de- 
scription, except in base-ball ; those are not 
the fowls I allude to. I mean fowl chick- 
ens. Chickens that are fowl — that is to say 
— well, chickens. I have made a study of 
them and I consider the chicken a wonder- 
ful bird. Just see how much sense — good, 
common, sound sense — a chicken possesses, 
how knowing, and withal, how patient and 
how absorbed they are in attending to their 
ow r n business. I realty believe they are in- 
tellectually our equals. 



TALKS 45 

A friend of mine went down to the mar- 
ket to buy some eggs. Now a chicken don't 
have to buy eggs. Well, he bought a dozen 
and took them home and gave them to the 
cook for the morning's breakfast ; the cook, 
who went out to see her beau, came to look 
for the eggs in the morning and found that 
she had mislaid them. Now that is some- 
thing a hen never does. And as for pa- 
tience — see how patient a hen is. Why, 
she will sit on a couple dozen of eggs for 
hours at a time. If a man had to sit on 
one for five minutes he would kick. I've 
been in the commission business and know 
whereof I speak. 

I used to handle eggs. They are very 
nice to handle, but to have them handed to 
you is not so agreeable — that is, handed at 
a long distance — particularly if the egg is 
premature — to come from a long distance it 
takes a long time, and age will creep o'er 
the spirit of that egg ere it reaches } T ou, 
and when it becomes aged, when it has 



46 TALKS 

passed its prime into the "seer and yellow," 
to which Shakespeare so beautifully refers 
— when it becomes a bald-headed egg and 
wears spectacles, it should then be sent to a 
home for indigent eggs, that it might not 
waste its sweetness on the desert air. 



MY WIFE 



If I had taken the advice of my sister 
Clarissa and profited by her experience, I 
never would have entered the connubial 
bonds of blissful married life. Poor Cla- 
rissa, she married a man by the name of 
Dust — Clarence Dust. After she had been 
married about a week the}^ commenced to 
fight, and one morning about one o'clock 
she rang the bell. The old man — pa — poked 
his head out of the window and said, 
"Who's there?" She said, " It's me, pa- 
Clarissa — Clarissa Dust. I can't live with 
that man any longer. I want you to take 



TALKS 47 

me back." But pa wouldn't do it, he just 
looked at her and said, "Dust thou art, and 
to Dust thou shalt return." 

So Clarissa's living with me and my wife 
now, and it does her heart good to see us 
fight — that is, my wife, she does all the 
fighting. Why it's got so bad, I had to 
call in a policeman one day and have her 
arrested. He took her before the judge, and 
after hearing all the particulars the judge 
fined her ten dollars. But that wasn't the 
worst of it. I had to pay the fine. She 
got after me the other night because the 
baby was crying. She said, " Do quiet that 
baby, w T ill you ?" Well, I didn't consider 
it my place, and I said, " Now, Letitia, you 
quiet the baby yourself." Whew ! you 
should have seen how mad she got. She 
called me a brute, and said it w r as " my 
place." And then she shouted out, loud 
enough to wake all the neighbors, " You 
know it's your place, you black brute, to 
quiet that baby ; it's as much yours as it is 



48 TALKS 

mine. It's half yours, aint it?" she 
screeched. I said, "All right, then quiet 
your half and let mine alone." That settled 
the matter right there and then, but she got 
even with me. 

One day a tramp came up to the house, 
and she called him in and gave him my 
dinner. He was very hungry, too, so she 
considered she was doing him an act of 
charity, as well as punishing her poor 
hubby. Well, that tramp eat so nruch he 
could hardly breathe, and then in the good- 
ness of her heart she said, " Poor man, isn't 
there something else I can do for you ?" 
The tramp paused for a moment, then he 
thrust his hand in his pocket and pulled 
out a button, and said, u Yes, please sew a 
shirt on this for me." Then I laughed till 
I woke the baby up, and I haven't been 
home since. 



TALKS 49 

MY BOARDING-HOUSES 



About three months ago I made up my 
mind to change my boarding-house and I 
haven't been settled since. I thought it 
would be a proper scheme to get a little 
distance out of town, so I secured a room 
in a boarding-house just the other side of 
the cemetery. I wanted to get a home be- 
yond the grave. The house was kept by 
Mrs. Tough, and oh ! dear, but it was a 
tough place — tough in every respect ; tough 
beds, tough beefsteaks, tough everything. 
The landlady (Mrs. Tough) used to say, 
u Will you have an egg^ or have you had 
one ?" They didn't have any bell to ac- 
quaint you with the fact that the frugal 
repast was ready. So the cook used to 
wring a towel for dinner. They used to 
tell time by the beds — a slat would drop 
out every fifteen minutes. They occasion- 
ally had what they called spring chickens — 
wagon springs ! And the coffee ! I know 



50 TALKS 

you won't believe me, but the coffee was so 
weak it had to use crutches. I had to leave 
the place one day. There was a fight at 
the table, and that settled it. The butter, 
the cheese, the coffee, and molasses got into 
a scrimmage. The butter run, the cheese 
skipped out, the coffee settled on its own 
grounds, and the molasses got licked. 

I finally moved farther in town. But 
worse and worse ! There they actually had 
hash three times a day. I didn't mind that 
so much if they had not put raisins in it 
on Sundays and served it as mince-pie. We 
used to have chicken occasionally at that 
place, too, and there was one boarder sat 
opposite to me I had every reason to 
suspect was rather delinquent on Saturday 
nights in coming to the front with the usual 
five. It was a " five-straight " boarding- 
house, and the peculiar expression I would 
trace upon the landlady's face when she 
looked at him gave me an assurance that 
the necessary five was in arrears. I finally 



TALKS 51 

had the most positive proof of his financial 
standing, and without consulting Bradstreet, 
for I noticed when the aforesaid chicken was 
served he always got the neck, and as I 
have had the neck so often I can come 
pretty near telling what it signifies. 



THE HORSE BUSINESS 



Once I was quite a singer, bnt I lost my 
voice — caught a cold — and then I went in 
the ho(a)rse business. When I say I went 
in the business, I wasn't exactly interested, 
but I worked in a stable. I was the chamber- 
maid. I used to make beds for the horses. 
I always was fond of horses. I think the 
horse is the noblest animal that lives on 
four foot. I don't mean to insinuate that 
he lives on four-foot measures or two-foot 
rules, and is obliged to exist on them as 
substance. I am alluding to his pedal ex- 
tremeties merely as his means of support 



52 TALKS 

and existence. 

I like a bay horse. Give me a nice dark- 
brown mouse-colored bay horse, with just a 
tinge of chestnut, and I am happy if I can 
only go to his boudoir in the early morn 
and feed him sugar — just for a stall. When 
I was employed in the livery stable, I was 
quite a favorite with all the boarders. There 
was a black sorrel horse they called " Love," 
because he was blind. He was a nice horse, 
though, and could go it blind just as well as 
Liverpill, his mate. He was the fastest 
horse in the stable ; they called him Liver- 
pill because he was hard to down. We had 
several trotters there. One beauty, his 
name was Cabbage. He entered a race once 
at Monmouth ; there were six other starters. 
Let me see, there was Knockter Prott, Cast- 
away No. 2, Judge To-morrow, Come-to- 
pawn, Loose Angelus, and Cabbage. It was 
a great race, but Cabbage won by a head. 
I was a very handy man around our stable. 
When the horses got foundered, I took them 



TALKS 53 

to the foundry. When they wanted new 
shoes, I took them to the shoe store — and 
saw that their corns were pared. When they 
had ringbones I took the rings off. Oh ! I 
was quite a man among them ; when they 
got too old to chew their hay, I used to 
chew it for them. 

I remember one time one of these vete- 
ran airy doctors came along with a new 
patent for giving horses medicine when 
they had the epizootic. It was a long 
tube in which the medicine was put. I 
used to take it, and when he opened the 
horse's mouth I would put the tube in it 
and blow the contents of the tube down the 
horse's throat. One day, what do you 
think ? I went to blow the medicine down 
the horse's throat, when the old fool coughed 
and I swallowed the dose. That settled it ; 
I was laid up for six months with the blind 
staggers. 



54 TALKS 

THE STOCK-BROKER 



I'll never forget as long as I live my ex- 
perience on the board ; that is to say, my 
experience on one particular board. Of 
course, as a boy, I had many different ex- 
periences on as many different boards — see- 
saw boards, checker-boards, etc., and, as I 
bordered on manhood, there was a different 
board still — boarding-houses — and border 
dramas at the theatres, but this one board 
to which I refer is the board of trade. If 
a man wants to be bored, he should get on 
that board. 

You see I had made a failure of every- 
thing in life, so I made up my mind, that 
is, what is left of it, to commit suicide. I 
had about concluded to try strychnine when 
I thought of the river, but I never did fancy 
water. One day I confided my intentions 
to a bosom friend, and he said, if I had 
made up my mind to die, he could tell me 



TALKS 55 

the easiest plan. I said, " Tell me, I be- 
seech thee," and he said, " Go into stocks/ 5 
and I said, " What kind of stocks ?" He 
answered that it was immaterial. "Just 
get in Wall Street,'' he said, " and they'll 
bury you before you know you have passed 
from this mundane sphere." I only had 
eight dollars, and to a man with one-third, 
and a third of a quarter of a twenty-five 
dollar bill, the horoscopic vision of Wall 
Street was not luminous. 

However, my friend was a stock-broker. 
So he took me down one day. When I say 
he was a stock-broker, I mean he was posted 
on the activity of the market. He drove a 
butcher-wagon. 

Well, to make a short story long, we went 
down there one day, and he introduced me 
to what he was pleased to call the bulls and 
bears — two-legged bears and bulls without 
horns ; that is, visible horns. I said to my 
friend, " Charlie, is that a bull?" "Yes,' 
said Charlie. Then, says I, " Where are his 



56 TALKS 

horns ?" And Charlie says, " He is not that 
kind of a bull. " I thought he might be a 
pretty good fellow to know, and if he was a 
bull, he might give me a steer. Just then 
Corneil came up — Corneil Vanderbilt — 
he sort of half nodded, and I finished it for 
him, and he says to me — he says — " How's 
wheat ?" I said to him, " Don't know much 
about wheat. I'm better posted on rye." 
Then he says, " Are you going to buy B. & 
O?" And I says, " What's B. & O?"— 
just like that, and Corneil says, " Baltimore 
and Ohio. Are you going to buy ?" Now, 
the idea of my buying Baltimore, let alone 
Ohio, with only eight dollars in my pocket ! 
Then an old gentleman came up — I 
think they called him Cy — Cy Field, yes, 
that's it — and he said something about 
" puts n and " calls," and I says to Charlie, 
" What's 'puts' and ' calls ' ?" and Charlie 
says, "Why, don't you see, that means it's 
a Jack Pot ; you put in two dollars, and the 
other fellow calls, j^ou've got Jacks, and the 



TALKS 57 

other fellow stood pat with a full." I met 

a friend of mine on the floor, Fitz — I don't 
think you know him — I asked him what 
he was doing. He said he bought lead. 
I asked him if he cleared anything, and he 
said yes — his bank account. 

Oh ! it's a great place. They all talk 
at once. I could hardly get in a word 
side-edge, edge-side, w r ays-edge, side-wed- 
ges — I mean sideways. Charlie says to me, 
"Now's your time to take a flyer on North 
Western preferred/' kk In what way ?" says 
I. "Why, buy short, and sell long." I 
told him I couldn't buy very long on eight 
dollars. Talk about suicide — a man forgets 
all about it when he gets there. It's not 
suicide — it's another kind of side. Every- 
body is trying to cut everybody else's 
throat — metaphorically speaking. It's homi- 
cide, and I left those brokers, bulls, bears, 
three per cents., longs, shorts, and all, satis- 
fied that life was worth living as long as a 
man kept out of Wall Street, and didn't 



58 TALKS 

have his life insured with his mother-in-law 
holding the policy. 



SUPERSTITION 



Did it ever strike you how utterly insane 
it is to be superstitious ? Some people carry 
it to an extreme about the most trivial oc- 
currences. Now, for instance, there are so 
many people in this wide world of ours who 
believe in what they term the unlucky thir- 
teen. When our great and glorious coun- 
try first became a republic, when Georgie 
Washington and Tommy Jefferson and the 
rest of the bo} r s made us a present of these 
United States, how many were there ? Thir- 
teen. Thirteen States, including New Jer- 
sey. And where can prosperity be better 
illustrated than right here ? 

Then, again, who wouldn't rather have 
thirteen dollars than twelve ? I once knew 
a family of thirteen. There were ten cliil- 



TALKS 59 

dren, and the wife and the wife's mother, 
and the husband, who was supposed to be 
the head of the house — it was only a sup- 
position, though, for his wife's mother 
usurped that prerogative. You never saw 
such a mother-in-law. She was cross-eyed 
and had whiskers. She used to travel with 
a circus and was the bearded lady. He said 
something to her one day at dinner about 
the wind blowing, and she threw a plate at 
him, but it struck one of the children, and 
about two 3^ears afterwards the child died with 
the measles, and everybody said, " There 
it goes. Thirteen in the family — how un- 
lucky!" But the old woman did not live 
long after that. She got shaved one day 
and caught the pneumonia. Nobody said 
anything about that being unlucky. Her 
name was Storey — Eliza Teller Storey was 
her name in full — and over her remains 
there was an inscription which read, 

1 ' Here lies Eliza Teller Storey / 

She's taken her last bier. 



6o TALKS 

She has been called away to glory 
But she left her whiskers here. " 

There are people who are superstitious con- 
cerning Friday. Now what would Robinson 
Crusoe have done without Friday ? Some 
people object to traveling on Friday. I 
called on a young lady of my acquaintance 
last Friday and her father set the bull-dog 
on me. I didn't object to traveling! To 
tell the truth, about that time I didn't stop 
to consider whether it was Friday or next 
Tuesday come Wednesday — I traveled ! 

Then, again, they say it is unlucky to go 
to bed with your shoes on. I took a friend of 
mine home the other evening and he went 
to bed, shoes and all. But it was something 
stronger than superstition that superinduced 
his superabundance of superlative supercil- 
iousness. 

I've heard it whispered that if you wish 
before eating any new fresh product of the 
market, at its first appearance, your wish will 



TALKS 6 I 

come true. We never get fresh products 
where I board, the}' are all canned, so I 
can't vouch for that, although one day I saw 
an old colored woman selling hot corn on 
the street, and I said to myself, " Here is a 
chance to test the wish." So I bought an ear 
of corn, and ere I proceeded to demolish it I 
wished — I wished my landlady would have 
strawberry short-cake for dinner. She had 
prunes ! 

Then there's that superstition about the 
four-leaf clover, that if you find a four-leaf 
clover it will bring you luck. I looked for 
one for two months and at last my dili- 
gent search was rewarded. Last Thursday 
was a beautiful moonlight evening. Our 
house faces its back to the garden of our 
neighbors, and that garden is full of clovers. 
So about twelve o'clock on my way home, I 
jumped over the fence and crawled around 
in that grass till the knees of my trousers 
looked like the map of Ireland. Finally, 
my fondest hopes were realized, and just as 



62 TALKS 

I grabbed that clover a policeman leaped 
over the fence and grabbed me. The next 
day the Judge fined me ten dollars and costs 
for trespassing. He wouldn't swallow the 
clover story. 

So I've come to the conclusion it's better 
to be born rich than superstitious. 



THE CENSUS ENUMERATOR 



I got a position to take the census this 
summer, and I nearly lost mine before I got 
through. There were three men appointed 
in my district. One of them was thrown 
out of a three-story window, and resigned 
for cause. The other fellow was more re- 
signed ; he had a wash-boiler full of hot 
water thrown at him. But, as I had been 
a base-ball umpire, I went at it without 
fear. My ! the questions we had to ask was 
enough to disturb the equanimity of the 
most peacefully inclined housekeeper in the 



TALKS 63 

world. Just think of going up to anybody's 
door, and asking them if they are married, 
if so, how many times, and what color they 
are, and when did you take a bath, was the 
water hot or cold, and such questions. The 
first call that I made in an official capacity 
the lady of the house came to the door. I 
asked her how many people lived in the 
house. She took me for a tramp, and set 
the bull-dog on me. The next place I went 
to, when I asked the lady if she was married, 
I didn't know that she had only been a 
widow two days, and she caught me by the 
neck and asked me who was circulating 
those horrid stories about her. Oh, I had 
a delightful experience ! 

Then I made a call at the house next to 
the widow's, and an elderly lady came to the 
door, and I said to her, " Pardon my seeming 
rudeness, but I am compelled to ask a ques- 
tion which may seem abrupt. " Then she 
asked me in to sit down ; she was the 
most rational customer I yet had to deal 



64 TALKS 

with. She asked me if I'd have some cake 
Well, I didn't know what to make of her 
hospitality, but I made up my mind to be 
just as polite as she was. Finally she said, 
when we had drifted entirely away from 
business, " Do you know I have been burn- 
ing with curiosity — natural with my sex, 
isn't it?" Then she commenced to tee-hee 
and giggle. She had seen about fifty 
summers, and as many winters, and she 
began to simper like a fifteen-year-old girl. 
I said, " Can I allay your curiosity?" I had 
almost forgotten what I had come for. I 
think the cake had gone to my head. Then 
she said, "What is the question you wish 
to ask ?" Then I got down to business 
again, and I said, " I beg your pardon, but 
are you married?" What do you think? 
She threw herself in my arms, and said, 
" Oh ! this is so sudden, but I cannot refuse ; 
lam yours!" She was an old maid, just 
think of it ! I took up my hat and flew. 
She sued me for breach of promise, and I 



TALKS 65 

made up my mind that if the government 
wanted me as a census-taker again it would 
have to supply me with a Gatling gun ? or 
else give me a route that only took in the 
cemetery. 



56 TALKS 

POETIC EFFUSIONS 



THE MINSTREL'S SEVEN AGES 



Shakespeare tells us seven } T ears constitute 
of life a span ; 

There are seven ages also in the life of min- 
strel man. 

First, the boy who fills the buckets for a 
pass to see the "show," 

Ragged urchin, shoeless, hatless, in our 
way where ere we go. 

Next we find him selling song-books, yell- 
ing out his lungs with force, 

Tries to drown the singers' voices, till they 
all are laid up hoarse. 

Next the " props " he wields in earnest, 
learns the cornet for to play, 

Then he gets his maiden salary — if there is 
a salary day. 

Dexterous bills for " props " he'll fix, that 
fill up a score of pages ; 



TALKS 67 

These are days he tries managers' souls in 
the minstrel's seven ages. 

Next the song-and-dance he " tackles ;" al- 
ways calls his shoe his " vamp," 

Hat is u lid," and ear is "sail/ 5 foot is 
"wheel," and eye is "lamp;" 

Sports a rhinestone in his necktie, no mat- 
ter what the stage is — 

These are the days he makes his "bluffs," 
in the minstrel's seven ages. 

Then at last the "end" he tackles, first the 
inside then the out, 

Salary gradually increasing, and he knows 
what he's about, 

" Gag's " that he's originating (?) though 
they're older than the flood, 

Others use, and loud he " hollers " they are 
stealing his life's blood. 

Next, the prosperous manager is he, nightly 
turning crowds away, 

Drives fast horses, dines on courses, and at 
" faro " high he'll play ; 

Dresses flashy, slightly " mashy," lives by 



68 TALKS 

easiest of stages, 

These are the happiest days of all in the 
minstrel's seven ages. 

Last of all, Time has outgrown him — he is 
far behind the age ; 

Boys hand round subscription papers for this 
" relic " of the stage. 

Now, that fortune's frowned upon him, by- 
gone friends have swiftly flown ; 

Empty pockets, sunken sockets, penniless, 
he's left alone. 

Still retains his u alum " cluster; moustache 
dyed, and trousers frayed ; 

Tells of how the business shattered, when 
they cut the street parade ; 

Sighs at some one's mild referring to the 
days of long ago, 

Longs for Unsworth's good old stump-speech 
or an " essence " with the show. 

Tottering goes he to his lodgings, broken- 
hearted at his fate, 

Cannot understand the public, why its taste 
should vitiate ; 



TALKS 69 

Dreams of Bryant, Buckley, Christy, arid 

the past's great sages — 
These are the last, the bitterest days, in 

the minstrel's seven ages. 

POETIC INSPIRATION 



The little stars sang sweetly to the birds up 

in the sky, 
The bull-frog chirped his matin song where 

the drooping codfish sigh. 
The emerald moon its ruby lips was pouting 

'neath the willows, 
The ocean's waves were hushed to sleep, so 

bilious was its billow. 
The village church bells sang the praise of 

the potato bug serene, 
While the grasshopper shed bright pearly 
, tears — he'd been eating Paris green. 
But up in the vine-clad desert, where the 

whip-o'-wills were ripe, 
A maiden fair, with azure hair, stood gath- 
ering moss-grown tripe. 



/ 



O TALKS 



When from a burst of thunder cloud that 

parched the verdant air, 
An ancient crow, in accents wild, was part- 
ing his back hair. 
And still the mother wept tears of joy, 

though sad her life had grown, 
For, lo ! the wandering minstrel boy had 

pawned his diamond stone. 
And yet I would not ask you why, which 

one of those are these, 
The German air wafts perfume sweet, its 

odor, new-mown cheese. 
Now take this lesson to your heart, in those 

halcyon days afar ; 
There's many a tramp has carved his name 

on a gilded cattle car. 



WILLIE AND HIS ESMERALDA 



Fair Willie and his Esmeralda 

Roamed the hills and dells together ; 
Balmy was the breezy sky, 



TALKS 71 

And the air was filled with weather. 

Up from the sky in milky way 

The moon looked down with rapturous 
glances, 
The star of night shone as the day 

On Willie's Sunday summer pantses. 

Babe she called him — he called her bird, 
Wingless bird without a feather ; 

Suddenly without a word 

The air was filled with balmy leather, 
(N. B.— That was her father.) 

The bull-frog chirped his note so clear, 
The star of love shot like a rocket, 

And there was a sad, sad feeling 
Close to Willie's pistol pocket. 



72 



TALKS 
AN ADHESIVE POEM 



My Maudie sat in her cushioned chair 

Chewing away on her gum, 
The crimps and curls were so tight in her 
hair 

That the pain was too awfully some. 

That evening she looked for her Gussie to 
come 
And loosened the bangs of her hair, 
Then from her sweet mouth she ejected the 
gum 
And tossed it aside on a chair. 

Augustus waxed warm and warm waxed the 
wax, 
And he drummed a te-doodle-de-dum. 
He was stuck on his Maudie, and, oh ! holy 
smoke, 
He was stuck on that horrible gum. 

And thus did he reason with mind all a 
rack, 



TALKS 73 

His thoughts were all mixed in a whirl, 
Was it better to carry that chair on his 
back 
Or leave his best pants with his girl ? 

But her father he settled the question for 
him 

As he twirled his long claws in his hair 
And hustled him out of the door with a vim, 

And Augustus went off with the chair. 



ONLY 



Only a little tomato-can, 
Only a piece of twine, 

Only a little doggy 

With a stumpy tail behind. 

Only a little urchin — 

So wan, and thin, and pale, 
Who ties the little tomato-can 

To the little doggy's tail. 



74 TALKS 

Only a fat policeman, 

Walking lazily on his beat, 

And the little doggy 

Makes a dive for " coppy's " feet. 

Only a little cuss word 

Was uttered by the " cop " 

As he came down on the pavement 
With an agonizing flop 

And now that little doggy, 
And the little boy also, 

Have gone to join the angels, 
Where the " coppies " never go. 

But what of the tomato-can, 
From doggy's tail remote ? 

It couldn't join the angels, 

For 'twas swallowed by the goat. 



TALKS 75 



A "YALLER" DOG'S LOVE FOR A NIG- 
GER 



Dar's a grave on de oder side ob de creek 
Dat knows no Decoration Day, 

For him as lef ' dar alone to sleep 
Is only a nigger dey say. 

He died an old vagunt, nntirely unknown, 

And lef not a soul to be sad. 
Dey gave him his freedom, but took way 
his home, 

And an ole yaller dog was all dat he had. 

Dey dug a rude hole and dey laid him away, 

Dis poor old citizen slave. 
Not a prayer for his res' did any one say, 

And de ole yaller dog laid down on his 
grave. 

And still you may see him dar, day after 
day, 



76 TALKS 

At eve, at morn, or at noon, 
For dar's no inducements can call him away 
From his place 'side de grave of a coon. 

Dar's a mighty fine monument standing 
right nigh, 

But to me dis poor mound looks bigger, 
For dar's a monument money can't buy — 

A yaller dog's love for a nigger. 



TALKS 77 



PARODIES ON POPULAR 
SONGS 



DOWN ON THE FARM 



When a boy I used to be, like most other 
kids you see, 
I worked upon the farm for my old dad, 
But the pranks I used to play, on the old 
man night and day 
Bring back memories that still make my 
poor heart sad. 
How from my cot I'd steal, and in the dark- 
ness feel 
My way to strike the light, while all else 
slept. 
Then the chickens' legs I'd tie — pour some 
coal-oil on the pie, 
In my childhood's happy home down on 
the farm. 



78 ' TALKS 

Sweet visions of raw hide, 
Tender memories of cow hide, 
Dearer than all to me. 
While they soundly slept in bed, I would 
paint the gray mare red, 
And I'd tie her to the dog-house in the 
yard, 
Then I'd take the old man's shoe, fill it up 
with Spalding's glue, 
And the kitchen stairs I'd grease with 
mother's lard. 
Then to poor old Towzer's tail, I'd tie the 
new milk-pail 
Just to keep the playful doggie out of 
harm, 
But as dad would early rise, on my pants 
he'd exercise 
With that Spalding's gluey shoe, down 
on the farm. 
Sweet recollections of cow hide, 
Oh ! visions of soreness, 
Dearer than all to me. 



TALKS 79 

IN THE GLOAMING 



In the gloaming of the gleaming I was 

gloaming through the gleam 
To call on Mary Ann McGlone, and she's 

the glooming of my dream. 
But her papa's bull-dog Towser gloomed my 

trousers gleefully, 
It was best to leave you then, dear, best for 

the trousers and best for me. 

In the gloaming, on my glooming, when 
'tis raining, snow, and hail, 

I will glimmer that dog Towzer, and glue a 
tin can to his tail. 

Then with dynamite, gun-powder, nitro- 
glycerine, and a large fuzee 

I will send him to the angels, where he 
came near sending me. 

It were best to keep this quiet — best for the 
dog, and best for me. 



8o TALKS 

THE MOSS-COVERED ONION 



(Air, "The Moss-Covered Bucket.") 

How dear to my heart is the loud-smelling 
onion 
Which restaurant keepers provide at each 
meal, 
The color of silver — the size of a bunion, 
With night-blooming corns wrapped up 
in each peal. 
It stings like a skeeter, it burns like an em- 
ber, 
And smells like a horse that is silent in 
death. 
And yet with affection and love we remem- 
ber 
The early spring onion that scented our 
breath. 
The loud-smelling onion, the sweet-per- 
fumed onion, 
The Lubin-like onion that clings to your 
breath. 



TALKS 8 I 

You drown it with beefsteak, you boil ot 
you bake it, 
But still it retains its smelodious charm. 
And after you've done all you can to forsake 

it. 
It clings to you fervently, fearing no harm. 
Though dangers o'ertake you and troubles 
awake you, 
At home or abroad, on land or at sea, 
The scent of that onion forever will make 
you 
Desert all your friends or they will shake 
thee. 
That moss-covered onion, that iron-bound 
onion, 
That old " gamey " onion that clings to 
you still. 



BANANA 



(Air, '"Pit- Willow," from the Mikado.) 
On a brick by the curb-stone a little peal lay, 



82 TALKS 

Banana, banana, banana. 
Its yellow-tint surface seemed to quietly say, 

Banana, banana, banana. 
Now this tropical fruit, for its sweetness far- 
famed, 
In its unblushing ignorance seemed to ex- 
claim, 
For my slippery surface I am not to blame, 
Oh ! banana, banana, banana. 

A saffron-tint damsel on pleasure intent, 

Banana, banana, banana, 
Had occasion to pass, to a skating-rink bent, 

Banana, banana, banana. 
In an unguarded moment this damsel so 

faii- 
Sat down on the curb-stone, her shoes in the 

air. 
Now her new-fashioned bustle is not fit to 
wear, 
Oh ! saffron, banana, oh ! bustle. 



TALKS 83 

BLUE ALSACIAN MOUNTAINS 



In a row of tenement houses, 
Dwelt a maiden young and fair, 

Her papa wore the trousers, 

When her mamma was not there, 
When her mamma was not there. 

Maiden with the dimpled eyebrow 
And a voice so loud and clear. 

Maiden with the " yaller " bull-dog, 
That followed her everywhere. 

Chorus. — Each day, each day, each day, 
Some family would move away, 
For that row of tenement houses 
Never seemed to please or pay. 

To that row of tenement houses, 
Came a farmer in the spring, 

Just to talk of sheeps and cowses, 
And to hear the maiden sing — 
And to hear the maiden sing. 

He spoke about his barn-yard — - 



84 TALKS 

Of his chickens and his hog, 
But she thought he was giving her taffy, 
So she called her " yaller " dog. 

Chorus. — Hooray, hooray, hooray ! 
The farmer he flew away, 
But left the bosom of his trousers 
For the dog to chew that day. 

THINK IT OVER 



(Air, "My Maryland.") 

Cross-eyed cats don't live on cheese — 

Think it over ! 

Chestnuts don't all grow on trees — 

Think it over ! 

Canary-birds' milk won't cure the croup, 

You can't shoot shad on an Arch Street 
stoop, 

Nor find oysters in a church-fair soup. 

Think it over ! 

If you take your girl out for a ride — 

Think it over ! 



TALKS 85 

When site snugs tip closely to your side — 

Think it over ! 

And tells you to love you how hard she has 
tried, 

But she's mashed on another fellow beside, 

Don't then and there commit suicide — 

Think it over ! 

Don't play seven-up with every strange 
cove — 

Think it over ! 
Before you sit on a red-hot stove — 

Cover it over ! 
If your mother-in-law is cross and blunt, 
And for peace and comfort you have to 

hunt, 
Take her down to the river-front — 

Throw her over ! 



HOME, SWEET HOME 



There's a song that's very popular that's 



86 TALKS 

sung In every clime. 
Its title is suggestive of its worth. 
It's a comfort to the mariner, it don't take 
him long to find 
That there's no place like home upon this 
earth. 
If you're out upon a lark and get locked up 
over night, 
As up and down your narrow cell you 
roam, 
When you take the " Black Maria " there's 
time then to reflect 
That there's no place like home. 
Home, home, sweet, sweet home, 

If you're out upon the sea and as sick as 
you can be, 
There's no place like home. 

I was single and quite happy not so many 
years ago, 
When a captivating charmer that I met, 

Won me over and I wed her, thinking mar- 
ried life was bliss, 



TALKS 87 

But it's blister since I married her, yon 
bet. 
She always wears my boxing-gloves to 
meet me at the door, 
When her temper's up from out her mouth 
she'd foam, 
When she tries to make it pleasant I ap- 
preciate the fact 
There's no place like home. 
Home, home, sweet, sweet home, 

When the landlord wants his rent and you 
hav'n't got a cent 
There's no place like home. 

GRANDFATHER'S PANTS 



(Air, "My Grandfather's Clock.") 

My grandfather he, at the age of ninety- 
three, 
Got disgnsted and made np his mind to 
die. 
He was very well to do, and the neighbors 
that he knew 



88 TALKS 

They all came in from Townsentown to 
cry. 
Of course lie left a will, and he left to 
brother Bill 
His advice to grab whene'er he had a 
chance, 
A mortgage on the farm, and the hinges on 
the barn, 
And he left to me his old brown pants. 

How they tittered, how they'd yell, 
Even my brother and my sister Nell. 
Gave me the laugh whene'er they got 

a chance, 
'Cause grandpa only left to me his old 
brown pants. 
One day my brother Bill went down to 
Barnses' Mill, 
Took off his clothes, jumped in the race 
to swim, 

When a neighbor's William goat chewed 
the buttons off his coat 



TALKS 89 

And ate his pants, for summer they were 
thin. 
That left Bill in a plight, there he had to 
stay all night, 
I took his girl Maria to the dance. 
Poor Bill began to cry, then to sympathize, 
said I, 
Wouldn't you like to have the old brown 
pants ? 

How they tittered, how they'd yell, 
Even my brother and my sister Nell. 
Gave me the laugh whene'er they got 

a chance, 
'Cause grandpa only left to me his old 

brown pants. 

MONTRAVERS O'BRIEN 



(A Parody on " Shamus O'Brien.") 

Just after the season, in the year '82, 
When the boys were all home, for the sum- 
mer quite blue, 



90 TALKS 

'Twas the custom whenever an angel was got 
To show him the " Square," when they hung 

round that spot. 
Ah, it's thim was hard days for an honest 

" legit," 
If he missed at the agents, he'd meet with 

no "sit." 
And whether the managers or stars pro- 
nounced sentence, 
It's plenty of time he had for repentance. 
And it's many the fine boy was short on his 

keepin' 
With small share of actin' or eatin' or 

sleepin'. 
For a pestilence came to the legitimate stage 
And musical comedies grew all the rage. 
And because he loved art and scorned to 

sell it 
A prey to such " trash," how well he would 

tell it. 
Unsheltered by night, and no chance to play, 
With the Square for his barracks, and no 

salary day ! 



TALKS 91 

Yet the boldest and hardest up "fake" of 

them all 
Was Montravers O'Brien of the town of 

Great Gall. 
" These so-called l comedies,' ye gods/' he 

would say, 
"They will ruin the business, they've 

turned my hair gray." 
But he swore to have vengeance, as each 

job he'd miss, 
And one fatal night a farce skit did he hiss. 
'Twas in Quincy town, in the good State of 

in., 

He happened one night to be out of the bill. 
And these "mummers," who never had held 

a position, 
Had openly opened in dead opposition. 
To dream of 'twas sad, but to know it was 

hard, 
The "legits" had in barely a corporal's 

guard, 
While the house round the corner was 

packed to the doors, 
And the air it was heavy with triple encores. 



92 TALKS 

One night about eight, with the crowd pour- 
ing in, 

He went to the office and planked down his 
"tin." 

For art could not bend to these mountebanks 
fresh, 

And he'd too much pride to say, " Pass the 
profesh." 

So he seated himself in the very front row 

And began his attacks on this "measely" 
show. 

With hissing and hooting and galling dis- 
play 

He called them "barn-stormers," causing 
utter dismay, 

Till the theatre policeman, alarmed by the 
din, 

Took Monty O'B. and quick run him in. 

Next day the town justice he faced without 
dread, 

And Monty O'Brien made answer, and said: 

"My Lord, if you ask me if in my lifetime 

I ere lost a season or gagged any line 



TALKS 93 

That could call to my cheek as I stand 
alone here 

The hot blush of shame, or coldness of fear, 

Though I ' stood up ' my landlady and then 
had to go, 

Before man and the world I would answer 
you no. 

But if you would ask me regarding this 
matter 

If I'd fought in rebellion against the ham- 
fatter 

And stood by my art from the first to the 
close 

And would shed my stage blood for its bit- 
terest foes, 

I answer you yes. And I tell you again, 

Though I stand here for judgment, I will 
say in the main, 

In her cause I was willing that salary be shy. 

But I could not eat bread, while they feasted 
on pie." 

Then the silence was great, and the justice 
smiled bright, 



94 TALKS 

And concluded the sentence he'd make 

rather light. 
Then he said, as his smile seemed to broadly 

increase : 
"Ten dollars and costs for disturbing the 

peace." 
" O Judge ! darlin', don't," said the dashing 

soubrette, 
" He's the kindliest creature you ever met 

yet." 
" Don't part us forever," the leading lady 

cried, 
And the " heavy man" wept and the "ju^ 

venile " sighed, 
And the group of " utility" people looked 

sad ; 
They knew he was broke and his prospects 

were bad. 
But the window" was open, and O'Brien, with 

one bound, 
Leaped out in the courtyard on to the ground. 
The actors ran this way, the officers that, 
And the " second old woman" lost her two- 



TALKS 95 

dollar hat. 

To-night he will sleep in an east-bound 
freight train, 

And the devil's in the dice if they catch 
him again. 

He has pawned his new tights, and soon he 
will be 

Back in the Bowery where the lunch coun- 
ter's free. 



96 TALKS 

SAMPLES OF MY PRIVATE 
CORRESPONDENCE 



Executive Mansion 

Washington, March 17th, 1887 

Gentlemen : — With many thanks for your 
kind offer to place a box at my disposal, to 
enable me to witness one of your perform- 
ances, I write to say that I shall gladly 
avail myself of the privilege thus tendered. 

Yours very truly 

Grover Cleveland 

JOHN McCULLOUGH'S INDORSEMENT 

Thursday morning 
George Thatcher, Arch Street Opera House 
My Dear Sir : — Permit me to thank you 
for a most enjoyable evening passed in wit- 
nessing the very excellent entertainment 
given b}^ yourself and your associates. I 



TALKS 97 

shall always bear it in mind for its cleanli- 
ness, originality, and superabundance of 
really excellent Immor. 

Yours sincerely 

John McCullough 



SARA BERNHARDT'S INVITATION 

(Translation) 

Saturday morning 

Gentlemen : — I can hardly find words to 
express my enjoyment of your delightful 
performance. Accept my thanks for the 
courtesy of extending a special perform- 
ance to me. I should feel flattered if you 
would accept the hospitalities of the theatre 
this afternoon, and have reserved a box for 
your occupancy. 

Very sincerely 

Sara Bernhardt 



98 TALKS 

FROM THE REV. DR. HOUGHTON 

242 West 58th St., 1 
New York, January 16th. j 
My Dear Sir : — I am very much obliged 
to you for your really courteous note. I 
was present at the performance last even- 
ing and enjoyed it exceedingly. So much 
so that at some future day I shall again 
avail myself of your kind invitation. 

I remain, yours very truly 
G. C. Houghton 

"ELI PERKINS" HEARD FROM 

44 East 76TH Street ) 

New York, June 3d j 

Mr. George Thatcher : 

I've had to write about you a good many 
times, and I expect to write about you a 
good many times in the future. It always 
gives me pleasure to witness your perform- 
ances and listen to your original droll say- 
ings. You may look for me Wednesday 
night, June 6th, close to the front. 

" Eu Perkins " 



TALKS 99 

ENGLISH WIT AND SARCASM 

Garrick Club 
London, July 15th, 1880 

Mr. Thatcher, St. James 1 Hall, Picadilly : 

Pardon me if I ask you to explain what 
evidently was a bit of your American wit, 
but for the life of me, old fellow, it is so ob- 
scure, I failed to see the point. Last night 
at the club some of the lads, don't you know, 
were exceedingly amused at my expense or 
yours. I am at loss to understand which. 
It happened in this way. My friend Chum- 
ley introducing us, said, to use his own 
words, " Mr. Thatcher, my friend Mr. Hart." 
You said something about a bob-tail flush, 
don't you know, and everybody howled, but I 
—and I felt like an ass. Now, old boy, I 
am going to take a jaunt over to your little 
country after Lord Ma}^or's day, and if you 
have any clubs in America and will show 
me the droll side of that little remark, pos- 
sibly I could use it over there and make 



IOO TALKS 

some other fellow feel like an ass, don't you 
know. Respectfully 

Arthur Clevering Barrington Hart 

FROM A COMPOSER 

Mr. Thatcher : 

I have written a new song which I 
would like your troupe to sing to-night. 
I am well known in town here, and if they 
will sing the song I think you will get a 
big crowd. I inclose the chorus. If you 
like, I will come around and teach you the 
rest. This is the chorus. I forgot to say 
the song is called, "Papa, kiss me before I 
depart." It goes like this : 
Papa, kiss me before I depart 

Mother's hair is turning gray, 
Sister expects to join the angels, 

Papa, kiss me right away. 
Kiss, kiss — o-h ! — kiss, kiss me papa, 

O-h ! kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, o-h ! 

It's all just as good as the above, but 



TALKS IOI 

there are only six kisses in the last verse. 

Truly, etc., 

H C 

Indianapolis, October 25th, 1888 

AN APPLICATION FROM AN ARTIST 

Syracuse, Sept. 26th, 1889 
Dear Colonel : x — My " pipes " 2 are all 
right again, and the " plumber " 8 says I can 
tackle the road once more. I am in pretty 
good shape, all but my " wheel " 4 and my 
left "lamp." 3 I hope "biz" 6 is big and 
want to join on next season. What's the 
show for a "sit?" 7 Red's " sails " 8 have 
gone back on him ; he had them frost-bitten 
in " Roch." 9 or " Buf." 10 He is here with a 
new "lid" 11 and "quilt," 12 and a pair of 
darling " vamps," 13 and " he's out of sight." u 
I aint worked since I left the show, and the 
landlady's getting fresh, but she aint 
" heeled " 15 — if she had the " stuff" 16 in her 
"kicks" 17 she'd put it on the " spread." 18 



I02 TALKS 

Me and Red is willing to go next season as 
" Henry Clays " 19 with " trimmings." 20 
Yours and mine 

Billy R. J 



For the benefit of the reader it will be necessary to add a 
Key to interpret the expressions made use of so fluently by my 
friend William : 

1 Colonel — An abused title in this instance. 

2 Pipes — The organs of the throat 

3 The Plumber— The doctor. 

4 Wheel— The foot. 

6 Lamp — The eye. 

• Biz — An abbreviation of business. 

7 git — An abbreviation of situation. 

5 Sails— The ears. 

9 Roch. — Abbreviation of Rochester. 
io Buf.— Abbreviation of Buffalo. 
ii Lid— A hat. 

12 Quilt — An overcoat. 

13 Vamps — Shoes. 

14 Out of Sight— Looking well. 

15 Heeled — Having money. 

16 Stuff— Money. 

17 Kicks— Pockets. 

18 Spread-^-The table. 

19 Henry Clays — Two for twenty-five. 

20 Trimmings— Expenses. 



TALKS IC3 

THE "SHINDIG" DID IT 

Tuesday 
To Boss of Show to-night: 

We are going to have a shindig up at 
old Sam Allen's to-night. It's his birth- 
day, so we can't go to the show, but if you 
want to come up after you git through and 
bring your music up — why we'll give you 
all the cider you can put away. 

Yours 

The Committee 

LOST OPPORTUNITY 

, N. J., Aug. 1st 

Mr, George Thatcher : 

I would like to have your troupe play in 
my hall. You would git as much as fifty 
dollars in the hall sure. It has seats for 
ninety-four. I just pu^ in some new lamps 
and ten bran new cane-bottom chairs, and a 
new heaven for little Eva. 

Yours truly, 

B. S 



104 TALKS 

TERMS ACCEPTED 

A brief correspondence with a profes- 
sional wag, whom I had found necessary to 
dispense with, but whose determination was 
not to be balked. 

Boston, March 6th 
George Thatcher. 

Dear Sir : — What are the best terms you 
can offer me for the rest of the season ? 

G. H. B 

Philadelphia, March 7th, 1879 
G. H. B 

Sir ; — I would not have you on any terms. 

George Thatcher 
Boston, March 8th 

George Thatcher. 

Dear Sir: — Terms accepted. Will be on 
immediately. 

G. H. B 



TALKS 105 

A GOOD SUBJECT 

Baltimore, May 4th, 1871 

Mr. Thatcher : 

Do you want to hire a boy? I would like 
you to take my son John and see what you 
can do for him. His mother and me has 
tried everything, but it's no good. We 
have had him working on a farm, and he 
has been in the reform school twice. He's 
no earthly good to anybody, so we have 
made up our minds to put him on the 
stage. 

Please answer. 

A. R 



Arlington Ave. 



A RIVAL INTERCEPTED 

New York, August 14th, 1889 
George Thatcher. 

Deer Sur : — I wood like a job. i am a 
yung man, with too voices, i can sing like 
a reel gurl, or a man besides. Muny haint 



106 TALKS 

no objeck, an i think i kin be as big a fool 
as you air, if i git a sho. Pleas rite or send 
back stamp herewith in close. 
Yours trooly, 

P. G. P , 

Statun F Po. 

CONTRARY OPINIONS 

Chicago, June 18th, 1884 
Dear Sir : — I would like to go to your 
performance to-night if there was a guaran- 
tee of anything new. The last two min- 
strels that were here sang songs I used to 
hear my grandfather sing, and told chest- 
nuts, and looked just the same as they did 
when I used to go to see them as a boy. 
The circus now has changed, we have three 
rings where we had one. The theatre has 
improved, it gives us more art, more realism. 
Why must the minstrels still persist in 
singing the Swanee River, and dressing 
like mourners ? 

John R. B. L 



TALKS 107 

George Thatcher. 

Sir : — Pray pardon my seeming boldness, 
but I want to ask you if minstrelsy of to- 
day is what it should be. Why do you 
not, as one of its important factors, use 
your influence to restore it to its old-time 
prestige ? We want not tinsels and gaudi- 
ness, but the plain, old-fashioned semicircle, 
such as Bryant, Buckley and Christy gave 
us. We long for the good old minstrel 
songs of old. Our ears tingle to hear the 
Old Folks at Home, and Stephen Foster's 
old-time gems, and the once more familiar 
sound of such wit as Eph Horn's story of 
the chew-chew locomotive. 
Yours, 

Chas. L. S 

Lynn, Mass., December 1st, 1884 



WRITTEN UNDER DIFFICULTIES 

Possibly the reader may have undergone 
the experience of trying to compose a letter 



108 TALKS 

in a room occupied by others who are hold- 
ing various conversations on as many dif- 
ferent themes. The following letter is sup- 
posed to have been written by a commercial 
traveler in a hotel office, while surrounded 
by the usual after-dinner gathering. He, 
in an unconscious mood mixed his missive 
with such a conglomeration of remarks that 
gave his better half such uneasiness as to 
cause her to pause between insisting upon 
an examination before the board of lunacy 
or a divorce court. It runs thus : 

My Darling Wife : 

How I ■ long to see you, dear. Corrfs 
quoted at 67 Y&. I miss your loving face every 
hour of the what bosh ! rubbish. I was think- 
ing just now of poor Lucy. Pm mashed on 
her sister. You know, my dearest wife, there 
is not a moment pork is dull and I shall al- 
ways regard our home with too much beer 
to me it is the only spot yoifre off, even now 
I can see your sweet tariff reform before my 



TALKS 109 

clean towels in 27. Tell your dear mother 
slie's spavined. I would not trade the chil- 
dren are all well. And Aunt Hannah says 
she can trot in 16. I shall call in the morn- 
ing and have one with me. I am not feeling 
well, so shall take three cards please believe 
me my thoughts are always a dollar harder. 
Your loving husband, 

Jack Pott. 



IIO TALKS 



CONDENSED TALKS 



Everything equalizes itself in this world. 
The rich man has ice in the summer and 
the poor man in the winter. 



Why is Jewish bread like the Brooklyn 
Bridge ? 

Because it's made to pass-over. 



I knew a man in Jersey who was the 
meanest, stingiest man I ever saw. He had 
a wart on his neck and he was so mean that 
he used it for a collar-button. 



A young lady of my acquaintance had 
the loveliest hair I ever saw. I told Joe 
about it and he said it was a chestnut ; but 
it wasn't, for she bought it yesterday. She 
gave her chestnut hair to her sister. 



TALKS IX I 

It's astonishing the jealousy existing in 
rival cities in the West. Now, for example, 
take the twin cities, Minneapolis and St. 
Paul. The\^ actually talk of taking the 
Bible out of the public schools in Minne- 
apolis just because it mentions St. Paul and 
don't say anything about Minneapolis. 



Old Mrs. Simmons had a christening up 
at her house yesterday. It was twins — they 
both came in the world at the same time, 
so she named one M Simul " and the other 
" Taneus." Simultaneous — see ? 



If you don't know why they always 
speak of a city as she I can tell you. It's 
because there is so much bustle about it. 



Here's a little point I've just discovered 
in Astrology. The sun is the father of the 
moon. It's not much credit to him though, 
for the moon gets full once a month and 
generally does it on its last quarter ; but 



112 TALKS 

then the sun is just as bad — he never shows 
up till morning. 

Why is a cigar like the opera? If it's 
good you'll take a " box," but if it's bad, 
no matter how much " puffing " you give it, 
it will not " draw." 



I saw a friend of mine to-daj^. He said 
he was so glad to hear of my success. He 
said it pleased him to know I began at the 
bottom and worked up. I told him I was 
sorry he couldn't do the same in his busi- 
ness — he's a well-digger. 



I was made a godfather yesterday. I stood 
up for a young lady in a street-car. 



When I was a boy going to school, we 
used to have fine fun. There were 
two teachers, Mr. Johnson and Mr, Hugg. 
Johnson used to teach the boys and Hugg 

the girls. 



TALKS 113 

I called on a young lady last evening and 
lost my overcoat. When I came in she 
said, " Take off your overcoat — you won't 
feel it when you go out." And I didn't ! 



Did you hear Germany had gone prohibi- 
tion ? Bismarck took water. 

I had trouble at my boarding-house this 
morning. I complained to the landlady 
that everything about the place was going 
from bad to worse, and as I sat down to 
dinner I told her the napkins were damp. 
She cruelly remarked that she rubbed them 
on mv board bill and it was all over due. 



A friend of mine went down to Coney 
Island the other day and took a dip. I 
asked him how he found the water, and he 
said, " Easy enough. It was all around the 
island." I went down there frequently 
last summer. I didn't like it, though. I 
was under medical treatment. M) r physi- 



114 TALKS 

cian told me it was necessary to take a stiff 
drink after coming out of the water, but I 
had to give it up. It kept me going in the 
water all the time. 



You don't know why a water-melon is so 
full of water ? It's because they are planted 
in the spring. 



That little brother of mine, Jimmy, swal- 
lowed a silver dollar yesterday, and we 
called in a doctor. He vaccinated him two 
or three times, and fished around with a 
hook and line for five hours, but he couldn't 
find the dollar. Then he stood him on his 
head, and put mustard-plasters all over him, 
but all to no avail. But it's all right, 
Jimmy's going with Barnum's circus. Bar- 
num says there's money in him. 



I went to meeting last Sunday. Laws ! 
how it did rain ! I took my umbrella with 



TALKS 115 

me, put it under the seat, and when I came 
out it was raining harder than ever. I 
looked for my umbrella — it was gone— some 
one had stolen it. I went right back, and 
before anybody got out, I stood up and 
said, " Brothers and sisters, somebody has 
stolen my umbrella. I am not going to say 
who took it, but if that umbrella isn't in 
my back yard by six o'clock to-morrow 
morning I'll come round next Sunday morn- 
ing and tell the whole congregation who 
stole it." What was the consequence? 
When I woke up next morning the back 
yard was full of umbrellas, 

CLIPPINGS FROM THE PRESS 

Wanted, — A treasurer for a bank ; one 
without arms preferred. 

Wanted. — A young Christian gentleman 
desires to exchange religion for good board. 

Lost. — A little dog, by a gentleman with 
a muzzle, who answers to the name of 
u Fido." 



Il6 TALKS 

Lost— A black goat, by a widow lady 
with, a broken horn. 

For Sale. — A magnificent rosewood piano, 
by a gentleman with carved legs. 

To Let. — Delightful summer residence, 
two minutes' walk from station, one mile to 
nearest saloon, and directly opposite insane 
asylum. 

For Sale. — Two lots, by a gentleman 
next door to the brick-yard ; can be had at a 
bargain, as the owner is not expected to 
live. 

Business Opportunity. — Two young gen- 
tlemen are willing to go into business, on 
capital furnished by any charitably inclined 
person. 

Wanted. — A first-class cook desires a po- 
sition as housekeeper with some wealthy 
widower who does not object to onions and 
genial companionship. 



I never knew how much ice-cream a young 
lady could eat until I went home and con- 



TALKS 117 

suited my arithmetic, and it distinctly says, 
and I have no right to dispute it, that one 
gal. is equal to four quarts. 



Did you hear about Peterson jumping off 
the Brooklyn Bridge ? The papers said it 
was a case of suicide, but it wasn't, it was a 
case of drop-see. 



Asparagus is the most aesthetic of all 
vegetables, because it's too awfully butt. 



My young lady is an awfully sweet 
talker. She has no teeth, and all her words 
are gum drops. 



That's a peculiar sign in front of that 
oyster house 011 Canal Street, " Wanted. — 
A young man to open oysters seventeen 
years old." 

What do you think ! Joe Miller says he 
showed his girl my picture one day last 



Il8 TALKS 

week, saying it was taken for him, and she 
hasn't spoken to him since. 



My Uncle Zeb had the baldest head I 
ever saw — just about six hairs on each side 
— and when he tried to brush them over his 
baldness he put me in mind of a rabbit dog. 
He would make a little " hare " go a long 
way. 



If you were to die and I were to marry 
your wife, what relation would I be to her ? 
Why her step-husband — you would step out 
and I would step in. 



If I were going to marry I would want 
my wife to resemble an almanac, for then I 
could get a new one every year. 



A speaker once remarked at a mass meet- 
ing, " The great voice of the people demands 
a change in the division of money. It is 
not equally divided and it should be by all 



TALKS 119 

means. If I had my way, I'd call in all the 
money in the country, then I'd get every- 
body around and share and share alike, and 
say : now go off and spend it and have a 
good time," when a voice broke in, " Yes, 
but after they had spent it all, what then ?" 
" Why," said he, " I'd call it all in and di- 
vide it all over again." 



Did you ever know the New family ? 
They used to live out in Denver. Oh ! my, 
what a large family it was ! There were 
seventeen children, all boys. There was 
John New, and James New, and Henry and 
Joseph. There were so many that they ran 
out of names. The last boy was named 
Nothing New. Then there was a little baby 
girl — the first one. They named her Some- 
thing — Something New. 



The latest thing in shoes. Feet. 



Did you ever notice how everything about 



120 TALKS 

the post-office suggests the gentler sex ? In 
the first place, all the mails go there, and 
anything that suggests the feminine gender 
naturally attracts the males. And then, 
again, every lady represents a letter, or 
something pertaining to the post-office. 
Take, as an example, a young married 
woman. She represents a letter that has 
reached its destination. The young lady 
who has been crossed in love resembles a 
letter that has been missent. The nurse 
girls represent the carriers' department. 
Our millionaires' daughters, who are look- 
ing for titles, are always after the foreign 
mails (males), and an old maid represents a 
letter lost in the general delivery. 



If there were only three women in the 
world, two of them would occupy their time 
getting together and talking about the other 
one. And if there were only three men, 
their time would be occupied running after 
the three women. 



TALKS 121 

It's bound to occur — a tin can to a yellow 

dog's tail ! 



A neighbor of mine is an unhappy speci- 
men of matrimonial existence. He's a car- 
riage maker b}^ trade. He says his wife 
never " spoke" kindly to him, and her wag- 
ging (wagon) tongue makes him tire. 

You will observe I am suffering from a 
cold this evening. I went out for a ride in 
a driving rain, got a hacking cough and am 
a little ho(a)rse. 



A fellow had the impertinence to come up 
to me on the street and say he would like 
to borrow my face for five minutes. When 
I asked him what for, he said a young lady 
had fallen in love with him and he wanted 
to " shake " her. 



The other day I asked a friend of mine a 
question, and he allowed his patriotism to 



122 TALKS 

get the better of his common sense. I said 
to him, " If you were about to depart from 
this earthly sphere, would you rather die 
an American or an Irishman ?" He re- 
sponded quickly, with a spread-eagle wave 
of his e-pluribus-unum arm, "I would rather 
die an American." Now that's where he 
was wrong. If you die an American that's 
the end of it, but if you die an Irishman 
they wake you. 

I went out to the races last week and a 
"tout" gave me some tips. He told me to 
bet on " Tapioca " — it was a pudding. Then 
he told me about a horse named " Hydrant" 
— he ran well. Then I plunged on " Broom " 
— it was a clean sweep. The next race I 
took a horse named " Hebrew " — he won by 
a nose, and in the last dash I took a fine- 
looking animal called " La Grippe " — and 
he led at the quarter, half, and three-quarter. 
Every thing looked favorable for " La 
Grippe," who was a length ahead in the 
home-stretch, but just as they came under 
the wire, in flew Enza (influenza). 



TALKS 123 

ADVICE TO AMATEURS 



The last few }^ears it seems to be the 
rage among amateurs to present minstrelsy 
at their home entertainments, and the 
question is often asked how to begin the 
preparations for such performances. When 
the few points, which I shall endeavor to 
explain, are carried out as far as practica- 
ble, I think the task can be accomplished 
without much difficulty. First, the pro- 
jectors should form themselves into differ- 
ent committees, that the different depart- 
ments may have a thorough management. 
They should not conflict, and each com- 
mittee should take entire control of its 
special . department. I would suggest for 
this purpose the following : 

Committee on Finance, whose duty should 
be that of taking charge of all monetary 
affairs (should the performance be given 
with a view of benefit), and to control the 
receipts. 



124 TALKS 

Committee on Entertainment, to select the 
gentlemen who are to take part in the per- 
formance, to see that the}^ are provided with 
ballads, comic songs, jokes, etc., and to 
arrange them in consistent order upon the 
programme, to procure costnmes, and if 
necessary engage mnsic, etc. 

Committee on Printing and Advertising, 
to take charge of tickets, programmes, 
newspaper advertisements, and whatever 
may be deemed advisable in the way of 
printed matter for distribution. 

To reach an estimate of the expenditures, 
it would be well to inquire into the expense 
that will attend the following : 

Rent of hall 

Musicians necessary 

Printing tickets 

programmes 

(extra) 

Advertising in local press 

Rental of costumes and wigs 

Burnt cork 

Price of tambourines and bones 



TALKS 125 

Orchestral arrangement of ballads and comic 

songs 

Part arrangement for singers 

Ushers and doorkeepers' services 

Fans, gloves, boutonniers, etc., for performers 

Stage properties required 

Express charges 

Having gone thus far into the details, the 
next important move for the Committee 
011 Entertainment is to notify those who are 
to take part as to the time and place of re- 
hearsals, to which fully two weeks should 
be given, one each daj^ or evening, lasting in 
every instance from three to four hours, ac- 
cording to progress. Upon every one should 
be impressed the importance of punctuality 
and strict attention. 

The Committee on Entertainment should 
in the meantime call a special meeting, ap- 
point the performers, and make selections 
of songs, jokes, etc., before the initial re- 
hearsal. 

At the first rehearsal the chairman of the 
above committee should announce the se- 



126 TALKS 

lections to the persons present. He should 
then hand each gentleman his particular 
part for solo or chorus, and with the aid of 
a piano the singers should familiarize them- 
selves with these selections. Little or no 
headway beyond this can be made at the 
first rehearsal or meeting. 

At the second rehearsal, and always there- 
after, the stage should be arranged with 
chairs as follows, occupied by the perform- 
ers in every instance, the end-men on all 
occasions using bones and tambourines to 
perfect themselves in harmonious move- 
ments. 




fc*s*D ?^ TF0RM FOR Mus *m* s 4T ^ 



OOOOOon 

O 5* w 2 C/i g rt * & ?L 3 £ 

m ft Lr W J7 



TALKS 127 

The order of the programme should then 
be followed, carefully repeating each num- 
ber as many times as may be necessary to 
show an improvement to the committee. 
As a guide to such procedure I would suggest 
the following outline for an order of enter 
tainment : 

Overture (of popular airs) . . . Orchestra 
With grand choruses, plenty of tambourine 
and bone work, and a lively finish. 

PART FIRST 

Rollicking Jubilee Song, by Bones and 

Tambo 

Jokes by Bones 

Ballad, by Tenoi 

Jokes by Tambo 

Comic Song, ... by Bones 

Ballad, by Baritone 

Jokes by Bones (2) 

Comic Song, ... by Tambo 

Ballad, by Basso 

Jokes by Tambo (2) 
Selection for Quartette 



128 TALKS 

PART SECOND 

Banjo or other Instrumental 
Selection 
Dancing Specialty 

Stump Speech 

Comic Quartette 

After-piece 

There is no costume more becoming for 
the minstrel First Part, than the full-dress 
suit, with a distinction for the comedian, 
effected by removing the buttons and 
using brass ones, wearing a large collar 
with points, and an extravagant necktie. 
The others in the circle wear the regulation 
evening dress, with white ties. In prepar- 
ing to color the skin use nothing before 
applying the prepared burnt-cork, which 
can be had of every wig-maker in the 
country, and in removing it use only cold 
water, a soap that is free to lather, and a 
bath-sponge. All kinds of devices are 
offered, but in an experience of over twenty 
years I find that plain soap and water is 



TALKS I2 9 

more effective than any modern invention I 
have ever found. 

The last rehearsal on the day of the per- 
formance should be merely a running over of 
crude points. The gentlemen taking part 
should be rested as much as possible before 
facing the ordeal. And, allow me to say, 
my dear amateur, if you have never before 
faced an audience and fancy it is not an 
ordeal, you will doubtless have an oppor- 
tunity to change your mind when the cur- 
tain rises and you find yourself born to 
blush unseen — hidden by a layer of burnt- 
cork and glaring over the footlights into a 
vast sea of human faces. 



130 TALKS 

WHAT CONSTITUTES SUCCESS- 
FUL MANAGEMENT 



Liberality without extravagance should 
be the motto of every manager who wishes 
to achieve distinction in any branch of the 
amusement world. Penuriousness and suc- 
cess are not synonymous words. It is an 
impossibility to succeed in the profession 
unless a cautious, open-handed policy is 
strictly followed, and good judgment is dis- 
played even in the most minute matters 
pertaining to the business. To imagine 
that the manager's lot is a bed of roses 
is a fallacy. And a knowledge of the 
undertaking before plunging headlong into 
the vortex is as essential as in any other 
calling. 

For the benefit of would-be managers, I 
modestly make these assertions, and bid 
them beware. 

That you may be posted in one kind of 



TALKS 131 

public business, it does not follow that 
there is nothing to learn in still another 
branch. u Ne sutor ultra crepidam" 

Capital plays a most important part in the 
drama of "Ambition;" Experience enacts 
the role of the Teacher, and Folly appears 
as the heavy villain, who, in the last act, 
after playing havoc all through the drama, 
gives way to Reason, the hero ! 

The aspirant for managerial laurels, who, 
through some other calling for which he is 
particularly fitted by nature, has been for- 
tunate enough to lay by a few hundred dol- 
lars, and longing for notoriety in the pro- 
fession, is generally doomed. He invests 
his all in all, and when he sees his name in 
flaming letters on a three-sheet poster as the 
" Sole Manager," the zenith of his ambition 
seems to have been reached. But how soon 
the majority realize to their sorrow that 
something besides their little savings are 
necessary. There is fiot a week passes over 
our heads, but " one more unfortunate " is 



132 TALKS 

added to the list of those gone before, who 
have been led into the trap by some wary 
schemer with a " new play/' or a " star of 
the first magnitude." 

During all the years I have been in the 
profession, and for many as a manager, I 
find there is something to learn every day. 
The manager never graduates ; he must 
keep up with his class, whether Freshmen 
or Sophomore, ab initio, to the end. 

The great majority of managers of wealth 
and standing to-day are men who have suf- 
fered the vicissitudes of a menial position, 
and have made themselves practical profes- 
sionals, by application and careful study, 
which experience alone can furnish. 

I find the minstrel business, in many in- 
stances, differs very little from the oper- 
atic, dramatic, or other branches, which 
the vulgar are pleased to term "show" 
business. Show me a comedy, with a weak 
beginning and finish, even though its 
middle be well filled, and I will show you 



TALKS 133 

a failure. Point me out a minstrel per- 
formance with inferior singing and a dull, 
insipid afterpiece, no matter what its "Olio" 
may provide, and I will show you the same 
result. Everything — as in life — should 
begin well, and finish better. The public 
are capricious, and pay their money to judge 
for themselves, and expect their tastes, not 
the managers, to be suited. If they want 
beef a la mode, he cannot surfeit them with 
boiled ham. 

I remember a well-known manager who 
died a few years ago, who had a decided ob- 
jection to his patrons' dictation. He was a 
clever actor, and as eccentric as he was 
talented. He had built a very handsome 
theatre at his native place in the South- 
west, and the elite of the city had taken unto 
themselves to make Friday the fashionable 
night. Consequently, while the receipts 
suffered every other evening of the week, 
there was always a cultured, dressy, crowded 
attendance each Friday, The city finally 



x 34 TALKS 

became known as a Friday-night town, or a 
one-night stand. This so angered my old 
friend that he determined to break it np. He 
remarked he wonld rnn his theatre his way, 
and the fashionable play-goers mnst not be 
their own jndges. His motto was identical 
with that of a well-known millionaire — "The 

pnblicbe ." My friend, Manager M , 

set abont his task after this manner : He 
announced Friday nights as the " People's 
Nights/' and placed the prices for that par- 
ticular evening at one-half the usual rates 
of admission. The result was that the fash- 
ionable world of that little aristocratic cit}^ 
stayed away altogether, and the "people" 
responded only on Friday evenings. The 
box-office returns continually showed him 
the error of his wa} T s, and after a desperate 
struggle he changed his policy, and re- 
turned to first principles, fully convinced 
that it was not in his province to dictate to 
his patrons. 

I have been personally connected with 



TALKS 135 

several partners, during my managerial 
experience, and differences, as a conse- 
quence, have frequently arisen. In one in- 
stance, a gentleman with whom I was asso- 
ciated had the rather vague impression that 
if the song and dance was perfection, the 
rest of the performance was as naught. 
He was under the strange hallucination that 
the public came only to see a terpsichorean 
specialty, and to hear six or eight young 
men in flashing tights w r arble : 

" 'Neath the flowers in the sunlight, 
Happy moments we will while ; 
As we dance to merry strain-lets, 
In our captivating style." 

Of course I had no reasonable objection 
to make to the " merry strain-lets," or their 
"captivating style" — I knew the public 
liked it, but they wanted other song-lets and 
joke-lets and thej^ did not care to have us 
retrench in other departments. They came, 
in plentiful numbers, to hear good balladists, 
good specialists, good songs and dances and 



136 TALKS 

marches — in fact, everything first class, in 
accordance with the liberality of their 
patronage. With considerable effort, though 
only a voice in the matter, and after much 
persuasion, I succeeded in gaining the point 
regarding the public demand, only to renew 
again, upon re-organization, my same argu- 
ment ; and I am conceited enough to say, 
if you will pardon me, that to these con- 
cessions in my favor a portion (N. B. — I am 
modest enough to admit a portion) of the 
success achieved was due to my well-taken 
point. 

Therefore, in conclusion, let me advise 
every one of non-experience, who has a 
thought of one day entering the managerial 
field, to bear in mind the words of Davy 
Crockett : 

" Be sure you're right, then go ahead." 

Do not attempt too much ; begin as our 

leading managers began. If you know 

it all before commencing, take my advice 

and don't go at it. If your mind is fully 






TALKS 137 

settled and you are assured that destiny has 
selected you for an operatic impressario, a 
theatrical or minstrel manager, then begin, 
by all means, by gaining the respect of the 
people, socially and professionally, with 
whom you are brought in contact. Secure 
the commendation of the public, the esteem 
of your brother managers, and the confi- 
dence of your creditors, and you will succeed 
in lightening the burden of responsibility 
that is necessarily attached to the arduous 
duties that constitute successful manage- 
ment. 



I38 TALKS 

VALEDICTORY 



In closing this conglomeration of occa- 
sional originalities and superfluously liberal 
supply of antediluvian and preadaniite pre- 
amble, I most humbly beg the reader's leni- 
ency in the matter of criticism, and pray 
that he or she, as the case may be, will not 
think I have assumed too much in present- 
ing these plain, unvarnished tales. I have 
taken as my text that good old proverb : 

1 ' A little nonsense now and then 
Is relished by the best of men." 
I do not assume for one moment that I am 
au fait as a literatus, nor have I, as they say 
in Latin, &cocoethes scribendi, but still I dare 
to hope that amongst all of these little incon- 
sistencies there may be a bonne boitche that 
perchance may act as a brutum fulmcn on 
the risibility of the non-skeptical critic, who 
by accident or from causes unknown, may 
in a misguided moment have selected this 



TALKS 139 

little book to bestow upon it a tithe of their 
time. While I shall be deeply flattered by 
any attention that may be conferred upon it, 
I will not lay the flattering unction to my 
soul that it is inspired by any (portrayal) of 
genius on my part. Man proposes and 
his publisher disposes. Therefore, in say- 
ing Adieu, my dear reader, let me request 
you to consider the motive which alone, and 
to its fullest meaning, is described so flu- 
ently in the two lines above, quoted from the 
immortal Ben Jonson and so 

Vive vale (farewell and be happy). 



JOKES 







An infant Hercules* 

11 Is the baby strong?" 

11 Well, rather. You know what a tremend- 
ous voice he has ?" 

"Yes." 

"Well, he lifts that five or six times an 
hour." 



Xne Young Idea. 
Merritt. — c< Was your father wild when your 
mother let the iron fall on his toes ?" 

Little Johnnie. — " Yes ; he was hopping." 
5 



Caught on. 

"Did you get on to that banana peel on 
the stairs?" asked one office boy of another. 

" Yes/' replied the other, with an expression 
of feeling, " I tumbled." 



What he Wanted. 

"I am surprised, Bobby, that you should 
ask for more pie when you have plenty yet on 
your plate." 

" Why, that aint pie, ma ; that's crust. What 
I want is pie." 



Quite a Different Thing, 
Tommy Traddles came into the house cry- 
ing, and in a very mussed up condition. 

"Now, Tommy," said his mother, "haven't 
I told you time and again not to play with that 
wicked little McCarthy boy ?" 

"I hain't been playin' with him," sobbed 
Tommy ; " he's been playin' with me." 



She Wasn't Sure. 

Little Girl.— " What's the matter, little boy ?" 
Little Boy. — "I'm crying because my mam- 
ma has just gone to Heaven. ' ' 

Little Girl.—" Oh ! but p'haps she hasn't !" 



One of De Boys. 

11 Well, my little man, are you cold this morn- 
msr ?" said a benevolent old gentleman to a 
gamin who was dancing on the sidewalk to keep 
his toes warm. 

"Na-a-w. Not much I aint. I aint one 
o' the cold kind, I aint. ' ' 

"Well, but you have no overcoat or mit- 
tens." 

" Oh ! I'm none o' them blokes what's done 
up by their mammies, afraid they won't look 
pretty. Say, mister, haven't you smoked that 
stub down short 'nough? I wouldn't mind a 
little suthin' warm under my nose. ' ' 

The benevolent old gentleman moved on, 
discouraged. 



Danger in Cold Water. 

"I trust, Robert, when you grow up you 
will show yourself on the side of temperance 
and morality by voting the Prohibition ticket ?' ' 

11 Oh ! rats ! Why, aunt, water's killed 'more 
folks'n liquor ever thought of doing." 

<( Iam ashamed of you, Robert ! Can you 
think of one instance in which water judi- 
ciously applied, has caused death?" 

" Well, what's the matter with the flood?" 



8 

Equal to Anything. 

Patronizing Old Gentleman. — "I wonder 
whose little boy this is ?" 

Small Boy. — "There's two ways you could 
Hnd out." 

Old Gentleman. — " How so, my son?" 

Small Boy. — " You might guess, or you 
might inquire." 



Hun School " Compositions." 
THE POUCKMAN. 

"Policemen is N. G. I no a Cop and he 
kicked a small feller threw a Gate for Puttin' 
mud on to a milk Mans hors, and puttin' some 
of it into his Eers, and so when the boys mother 
come out with some hot water to put on the 
cop he got scart and run Feerful fast. ' ' 



Robert Asks Another Question. 

11 Who is that lady dressed in black, mam- 
ma?", asked Bobbie, as he sat with his mother 
on a ferry-boat. 

" That is a Sister of Charity, my boy," re- 
plied his mother. 

Bobby pondered deeply for a moment, and 
then he said, ''Which is she, mamma, Faith 
or Hope ?" 



The Xrue Reason. 

" Papa, why do they call a beaver hat a high 
hat?" 

" Because, my son, it costs eight dollars." 



Coasting. 

A POME. 

Nice 

Ice 

Hill, 

Bill, 

Sled, 

Dead. 



The Knii of Gu§ 

An examination in the public schools : 
Professor to pupil. — " In which of his battles 

was Gustavus Adolphus killed ?" 

Pupil (after reflection). — " I think it was in 

his last battle." 



Jay Gould Style. 

Mamma (to Flossie, who had been lunching 
with a little friend). — " I hope you were very 
polite, Flossie, at the table, and said, 'Yes, 
please,' and ' No, thank you !' " 

Flossie.— " Well, I didn't say, £ No, thank 
you,' because, you see, I took everything. " 



10 

An Approximation. 

A little friend of mine, on returning from 
church last Sunday, when questioned by her 
father about the sermon, said naively, ' ' I only 
remember that he said Paul planted and had 
Apollinaris water !" 

A Kindergarten Series. 

" Now, children," after reading the old story 
of Washington's exploit with his hatchet, 
" write me all you can remember of that pretty 
story I have just read to you:" 

THE RESULT. 

Slate I. (Teddy, eight years old). — George 
Washinton is our father did he tell a lie no he 
never did he did it with his hachit. 

Slate II. (Ethel, seven). — gorge washinton 
was the father of is contre lies father sed did you 
do it he sed i wud not lie i did it with mi Hathit 
and then he busted in teers. 

Slate III. (Georgie, nine). — George Wash- 
ington is the father of our country and he did 
it with his hatchit and he said father I did it 
did the boy deny it o no did he try to put it on 
some other feller No He did not tell no lie he 
bust into tears. 



11 

Two Pieces of I»ie. 

" Ma, can I have another piece of mince 
pie?" 

" No, my child, you'd dream of your grand- 
mother. ' ' 

" I like to dream of my grandmother, ma. 
She used to give me two pieces of pie." 



JSot Beautiful. 

An old lady, visiting one of her friends, found 
a child of the latter, a mite of five or six years, 
sobbing bitterly, and apparently in great dis- 
tress. 

"You shouldn't cry like that," said the 
visitor ; " that's what makes little girls ugly !" 

Dolly looks up through her tears, and gazes 
at the visitor : 

' ' What a lot you must have cried when you 
were a little °;irl ! ' ' 



The Boy Was Also Kresli. 

Old I^ady (to grocer's bo} T ). — " Be them eggs 
on the counter fresh ?" 

Boy.—" Yes'm." 

" How long have they been laid ?" 

"Not very long, ma'am. I laid 'em there 
myself less'n half an hour ago/* 



12 

Sticky Music. 

" They poked a porous plaster into it, and 
then it began to play," is the way a boy de- 
scribed an orguinette. 



A Banker. 

" What's the matter, sonny ?" said a kindly- 
faced gentleman to an urchin on the street. 
' ' You must be very poor to wear such shoes as 
those this kind of weather. Have you any 
father?" 

" Well, I should say I have." 

"What does he do?" 

" He's a banker, he is." 

" A banker!" 

"Yes, sir. He's the feller that piled the 
snow up on this here sidewalk." 



A Plausible Idea. 

"Pa," said Bobby, who was looking over 
his picture book, " isn't that a picture of Jonah 
and the whale ?" 

" Certainly not," replied the old man im- 
patiently — he had been answering foolish ques- 
tions all the evening — "if it were, wouldn't 
Jonah be there, too ?" 

" Perhaps he's inside the whale/' suggested 
Bobby. 



13 

Thoroughly Posted. 

Cigar Dealer. — " Yes, I want a boy here. 
Have you any experience ?" 

Youthful Applicant.—" Lots." 

4 ' Suppose I should mix up the price marks 
in these boxes, could you tell the good cigars 
from the bad ones ?" 

" Easy ; nough." 

"How?" 

" The wust cigars is in the boxes wot's got 
the purtiest pictur's." 



Precept. 

The Rev. Alban Cope,—" Well, my little 
man, what are you going to give up as a 
Lenten sacrifice ?" 

Bobby.— "I don't think I'll give up any- 
thing, sir. Papa told me once that it wasn't 
manly to give up." 



One on ttie Old Man, 

" I declare, Robert," said the old man, irasci- 
bly, "you are the most stupid boy I ever saw 
I wonder at your ignorance. It seems to me 
I'll never be able to learn you anything." 

"Do you mean teach me anything, Pa?" 
asked Bobby, calmly picking a toothpick. 



14 

The Reason, 

Teacher. — " Why is it you don't learn your 
Sunday-school lessons as you do those on week 
days?" 

Bad Ijttle Tommie. — " 'Cause }^ou can't lick 
a feller at Sunday-school. ' ' 



?Sew Style Comedy, 

" Willie, you've been writing at that desk a 
long time. What are you doing ?" 

" I'm writing a play. It's a comedy. I've 
got to the last act, and I'm killing off the char- 
acters." 

" Killing off the characters, Willie ? Why, 
they don't do that in real comedies at the 
theatres, my son." 

(Writing away busily) "I know it, papa. 
That's where my play is just going to knock 
the socks off most of the comedies you see in 
theatres." 



Me Was Out of Reach. 

Bobbie. — ' ' Say, pa, a bee hums, doesn't he ?' ' 
Father. — " Yes, my boy ; but run away and 

don't bother me." 

Bobbie. — ' ' Well, pa, if that's so, aint a bee a 

humbug ?" 



15 

On the Instalment Plan. 

As was his custom, little Johnnie entered the 
parlor one evening while his sister Cora was 
entertaining Mr. Merritt. He was wearing a 
pair of new slippers, of which he seemed very 
proud. 

' ' Where did you get the pretty pair of slip- 
pers, Johnnie?" asked Mr. Merritt. " Did your 
mother give them to you ?" 

" No." replied little Johnnie, recalling, as he 
often did, the unpleasant phases in his young 
life, "she never gives me more than one at a 
time." 



The Young Idea, 

Mrs. Brown (in toy shop). — ' ' Would you like 
one of these long whistles, dear?" 

Little Johnnie. — " Naw T . What's the use of 
giving me one when you'd lick me for blowing 
it?" 



Heavy Journalism, 

Old Lady.-— "I hope, my boy, you don't 
sell papers on Sunday ?" 

Small Newsboy (sadly). — "No, mum; I 
aint big enough to carry a Sunday edition 

ye* ' 



16 

i*rotoatsly Forgiven. 

" Johnnie ! Johnnie !" 

"What, ma." 

" March yourself into the house. I thought 
I told you not to play with that bad boy." 

" I wa'n't playing with him, ma ; I knocked 
an eye out of him." 



Angling for Pie. 

Mrs. Salstonstall (of Boston). — " Tommy, 
will you have a piece of mince pie ?" 

Tommy Beaconstreet (who is taking dinner 
out). — ' ' Yes'm, and I trust that your apportion- 
ment will be commensurate with my esteem for 
yourself. ' ' 



Gave it Up. 

Revivalist. — " My son, when that great day 
comes, where will we find you, with the sheep 
or the goats ?" 

Small Boy. — ''Jiggered if I know. Ma, she 
says I'm her ' little lamb.' and pa calls me ' the 
kid,' so I guess I'll have to give it up." 



Her Remedy. 

Tommy. — "What did your mother do for your 
cut finger?" 

Little Johnnie. — " Licked me for cutting it." 



17 

Only One Fear. 

Old Lady.— ' ' What's the matter, little boy ?" 
Street Urchin (whimpering). — " 'Fraid." 
Old Lady.— ''Afraid? Well, I do declare ! 

I didn't know you street gamins were ever 

afraid of anything, seen or unseen, in this 

world or in the next. ' ' 
Street Urchin. — " Y-e-s, we're 'fraid of— of 

each other." 



In *{o Hurry, 

Little Girl.— "If I should die and go to 
Heaven would I have wings ?" 

Mamma — " Yes, my pet, and a crown and a 
harp." 

Little Girl.— "And candy?" 

Mamma. — " Noo" 

Little Girl (after meditation).— " Well I'm 
glad we've got a good doctor." 



Sharp. 

" There is no rule without an exception, my 
son." 

" Oh ! isn't there, pa ? A man must always 
be present while he is being shaved. " 

11 My dear, hadn't }^ou better send this child 
to bed. He's too clever !" 

2 



18 

Xold tlie Teacher. 

A little boy had spent his first day at school. 
" Whac did you learn ?" was his aunt's question. 

"Didn't learn an3 T thing." 

"Well, what did you do?" 

" Didn't do anything. There w r as a woman 
wanting to know how to spell cat, and I told 
her." 

Bobby Knew Them. 

Miss Clara ito Mr. Paperwate, at dinner). — 
" Mr. Paperwate, will you have a hot biscuit ? I 
made them myself. ' ' 

Mr. Paperwate. — " Delighted, Miss Clara, and 
I'm doubtful if one will suffice." 

Miss Clara. — "Oh! thank you, Mr. Paper- 
wate. Will you have one, Bobby ?" 

Bobby. — " No, sir-ree !" 



Jammed. 

Male Parent (sternly;.— '"Now, sir, young 
man, I have caught you —stuck in the jam, as 
usual, when your mother is away." 

Culprit. — ' ' I'll bet a quarter ma's stuck in the 
jam too." 

Male Parent.—" Where ?" 

Culprit. — " Down in the millinery opening." 



19 

Grandma in a Box. 

Bobby (who is visiting his kind old grand- 
mother). — "I wouldn't mind eatin 1 some of 
that nice hot bread, grandma." 

Grandma. — c< Well, Bobby, you can have all 
you want of it." 

Bobby. — " Yes, but ma won't let me eat hot 
bread." 

Grandma (testing the lad's moral strength). — 
" She won't know anything about it, Bobby." 

Bobby. — " All right, grandma, just give me 
a piece, please." 



Not a Part of Speech. 

Teacher. — "Johnnie, what part of speech is 
nose?" 

Johnnie.— ' 'Taint enny." 

"Ah, but it must be." 

" Mebbe your'n is because you talk through 
it, but the only part o' speech that I've got is 
my mouth. ! ' 



Go lp Head. 

Teacher. — "What was there remarkable 
about the battle of Lookout?" 

Little Dick (at the foot of the class).— " It 
caused bangs on the brow of a mountain. ' ' 



20 

Children and Pools. 

" Remember me to your father, like a good 
boy," said the minister. 

"It's not worth while," replied little Johnnie. 
" I heard the old man say he would never for- 
get you after that big dinner you put away at 
our house." 

That Settled It. 

"Pa," asked sleepy Bobby, "can I ask you 
a question if it aint foolish?" 

" Ya'as !" almost shouted the old man, who 
*vas trying to read. 

" Well, if a toad had a tail, pa, would it in- 
terfere with his jumpin', or would it help him 
like it does the kangaroo?" 

In less time than it takes to tell it Bobby was 
between the sheets. 



Down Grade. 

Iyittle Bobby. — " Don't you want to take me 
up to the toboggan slide with you some day, Mr. 
Jinks?" 

Mr. Jinks. — "I never go to any toboggan 
slide, Bobby ; never even saw a toboggan." 

Bobby f a trifle nonplused ). — " That's funny ; 
I heard pa say something about your going 
down-hill at a furious rate." 



21 



All Mixed lp. 

Tomlinson. — kt Hello, Boclger ! What makes 
you look so excited ?" 

Bodger. — iV Why, you see, they've got twins 
at sister's. One of 'em is a boy and one of 'em 
is a girl, and blamed if that doesn't make me an 
uncle and an aunt both ! ' 5 





Anglomania. 

" Oh ! youah mistaken, me boy. Towker is 
weally a gentleman. ' ' 

" What makes you think so ?" 

1 ' Well. I saw a bill from a London tailor in 
his mail, don't you knowah?" 



A Sufficient Reason. 

Brown. — "Hello, Robinson, I thought you 
were taking in the musicale to-night?" 

Robinson. — " I just left there." 

Brown. — " What made you leave so early?" 

Robinson. — " A sixteen -year-old young man 
trying to sing • Larboard Watch, Ahoy.' " 
22 



23 

Coming Down. 

* ' My new mustache is coming up nicely, 
isn't it, Lulu ?" 

" No, Freddy (icily), it's down." 



Dood Muscle. 

Fitz Dood. — "I'm going in foil athletics, 
Gawge." 

Swellville. — " Don't say so, ol' chappie." 
Fitz Dood. — "Got to do it — doctah ordahs 
it." 

Swellville. — ' ' Going to try the Indian clubs?' ' 
Fitz Dood. — " No ; I fawncy I will twy roll- 
ing my own cigarettes." 



As Good as an Englishman. 

Lady (to applicant for coachman). — "Are 
3 r ou an Englishman?" 

Applicant. — " No, mum ; I was born in Ire- 
land ; but I've lived so long in Ameriky that I 
s'pose I do seem quite English, you know." 



She Cawu't. 

Young Charlie Gunther (whose pa is rich). — 
"Jack, she just rejected me, and I actually 
think she is laughing in her sleeve at me." 

Jack — " Oh ! she cawn't do that, deah boy. 
Her dwess is sleeveless, don'tcherknow?" 



24 

Slightly Old. 

" Heard my last joke? It is great — posi- 
tively Shakespearian. ' ' 

"Yes, I heard it. I thought it was earlier 
than Shakespeare, though. " 



A Fashionable I»air. 

Dudekins. — "Aw, Mistah Snip, are these 
twowsers all wool?" 

Snip. — " All wool, Mr. Dudekins, and a yard 
wide." 



His Taste. 

Miss Smythe (languidly). — " Are you fond 
of music ?" 

Young De Jones (rapturously). — " Oh — Ah ! 
— y-e-a-s weally, Miss Smythe ; if there's one 
thing I do admire it is a vocal voice." 



Quite an Idea. 

Sister. — " Why do they call some balls fancy 
balls, Gussie?" 

Brother.— " Hay? Oh! Yass. Well, y'see, 
my deah, they cawl 'em fawncy balls becawse 
a fellaw can tawk to any strange gal he 
fawncies." 

Sister.—' ' Oh ! for shame. ' ' 

Brother. — " Yaas ! Oh ! yaas ! Pwecisely." 



25 

One or the Other, 

Dasher. — "I hope you don't object to my 
smoking. } ' 

Rev. Mr. Mylde. — " N — not in the least, if 
— you don't object to my being sick." 



Evidently Thrown In, 

Pell.— "By Jove, old man, that's a pretty 
necktie you have on !" 

MelL— "Yes; I flatter myself that I have 
good taste in selecting neckties Have a cigar ?" 

Pell.— " Thanks. (Lights it.) Umph ! 
(Puff.) Did this cigar come with the tie?" 



Confused. 

"I — I say, Miss Musicale, won't you f — 
favah me with a little song ?" 

" Certainly, Air. Bajove, and what shall it 
be?" 

" Why, I think I should enjoy that one about 
weturning the w-wabbit." 

(Thoughtfully) ; " Returning the rabbit ?" 

" Yaas, ycu know humming'). ' Weturn my 
wabbit again , again. ' ' ' 

" Oh ! I think you mean ' Bring back my 
Bonnie to Me.' " 

" Yas, that's it, Miss Musicale ; ' Bwing back 
my Bunnie tome.' " 



26 

Keep it Warm, 

Dude (entering Delmonico's, to waiter; the 
dude carries a heavy stick with an enormous 
horse s head J : " Hat, waiter !" 

Waiter.—'' Yes, sir." 

Dude.—" Coat, waiter !" 

Waiter. — "Yes, sir." 

Dude. — " Cane, waiter !" 

Waiter. — "Yes, sir. Have it blanketed, 
sir?" 



Not Safe. 

He (tenderly). — " It is a mistake for a man 
to travel through life alone." 

She. — "Yes, indeed. Why don't you get 
your mother to chaperon you ?" 



Where Poor Poetry is Dangerous. 

A young poet and his friend were lounging 
in Central Park menagerie near the orang- 
outang's cage. 

" By the way, Fred," said the poet, " I have 
just completed that poem I spoke to you about. 
Shall I read you a few verses of it ? ' 

" Certainly ; I shall be delighted ; but don't 
stand too near the cage ; the orang-outang 
might grab you." 



27 

Not Xhat Uncle. 

Griggs. — " Hello, Jack! Where have you 
been the last two weeks ?" 

Seedy Friend. — " Staying with my uncle." 
Griggs. — ' ' So ; who took you out ?" 



Practical Sympathy. 

" Sad about Cholly, wasn't it ? Got his cane 
head in his mouth, you know, and couldn't get 
it out." 

" How much was it worth?" 



No Relation, 

He — " Were you ever in love ?" 
She.—" Never, until now." 
He. — n Ah ! then you do love me." 
She. — " Oh, no ! the one I love is not even an 
acquaintance of yours." 



In Philadelphia. 

Cholly. — " I always sleep well." 
Miss Snyder. — "So I should judge. You 
never seem more than half awake." 

Been There. 

First Cadet. — " Did 3-011 ever smell powder ?" 

Second Cadet.— "Yes." 

"Where? 1 ' 

"On a Vassar girl." 



28 

A Puzzle Solved, 

Paperwate. — <( \Vhat I cawn't understand 
about it is that Bylker should come and pay 
me back that five dollars he bowowed fwoin 
me without my awsking faw it." 

Lambrequin. — "Perhaps he wanted to bor- 
row ten." 

Paperwate. — " B}^ jove ! He made it twenty !" 



BJot so Bad for an *' Old Chappie." 

First Old Chappie. — " Think we've time for 
a cigarette, old chappie ?" 

Second Old Chappie. — ''Well, old chappie, 
considering thirty years are supposed to elapse 
between this last act and the next, I think we 
have." 



In Paris. 

" Here, Charlie, you studied French at home. 
Suppose you call the waiter." 

4< All right," says Charlie, his bosom swelling 
proudly. " Ah ! jargon, jargon, allez vous ici." 



He Didn't Have to go Far. 

Augustus Doody (to chambermaid). — " Aw 
— aw — I'm tired of boarding — aw. I'm looking 
for a flat.' ■ 

Chambermaid. — " An' did ye have to lave 
home to find wan ?" 



29 

Kindly Met. 

Scene. — A dance at the Portman rooms (late 
Mine. Tussaud's). — Ingenious Masher (to 
ancient chaperone). — " Aw — I say — awfully 
draughty here, don'tcherknow. Won't you go 
and sit in the ' Chamber of Horrors ?' They've 
pot a stove, and you'll feel so much more at 
lome there, don'tcherknow !" 



What Did She Mean ? 

Poseyboy. — " Do you moisten a pencil before 
you write it, Miss Southmayd ?" 

Miss Southmayd. — ' ' Yes, never use one with- 
out putting it to my lips." 

Poseyboy. — " I wish I was a pencil.' ' 

Miss Southmayd. — " You are — all except the 
lead." 





Women as Engineers. 

Blobson. — ''Ha, ha! Here's an article 
which says that before the close of the nine- 
teenth century we shall see women running 
locomotive engines on our railroads, ' ' 

Mrs. Blobson.— "Well, why not? Don't 
you think they would make good ones?" 

Mr. Blobson. — "In some respects, perhaps. 
They would keep •«?. good lookout, ahead, any- 
way." 

Mrs. Blobson.— "Why so ?" 

Mr. Blobson. — "Because they would have 
their heads out of the cab window all the time 
to show their new bonnets. ' ' 
30 



31 

Saved from a Boycott. 

''So you are married !" exclaimed one as 
they met in front of the Post Office. 

"Yes." 

" And to Mr. Blank?" 

"Yes." 

" But I thought you broke your engagement 
with him?" 

1 ' I did — almost, but he threatened to have 
me boycotted and I thought it best to marry 
him." 



A Salt I^ake City Episode. 

Citizen (showing the town to a famous base- 
ball player). — " Hello ! there goes Elder Plural's 
nine." 

Baseball Player f excitedly).— ' ' Where ? Let's 
have a look at the boys." 

Citizen. — "You mistake me. I mean his 
nine wives." 



Slie Had ^ot Been Idle, Though- 

Mrs. Caller. — " Have you taught your baby 
how to say ' Mamma' yet?" 

Mrs. Southend. — " No ; I've been very busy 
teaching Fido some lovely new tricks. Fido, 
stand up for the lady." 



32 

Social F^elinities. 

Bagley. — " Don't you think that Miss Bai< 
rows has a pretty face, Clara ?" 

Clara. — "She would have, but for three 
things." 

Bagley.—" What are they ?" 

Clara. — " A crooked nose, a homely mouth, 
and dull eyes. Miss Barrows' s ears are very 
pretty. ' ' 



The Higher Education of Women. 

Miss Bacon (they have been discussing or- 
chids). — "And now, Professor, I want 3^ou to 
tell me all about the plant from which electricity 
is made." 

Professor Hohonthy (aghast). — " The 
which?" 

Miss Bacon. — "You certainly must have 
heard of it. Father says its high cost pre- 
vents the geneial use of electric lighting — I 
mean the electric plant." 



Too Eager, 

Sorrows of the cross-eyed man. — "Miss, 
may I have the honor of the next waltz with 
you?" 

Two ladies (eagerly rising).— " With pleas- 
ure." 



33 

A Koreig-n Article, 

Fond Mother. — "Doctor, what seems to be 
the cause of Willie's trouble ?" 

Doctor. — "Some foreign substance in tfre 
stomach, I should say." 

Fond Mother. — 'Oh ! yes, those dreadful 
Irish potatoes ! I will tell our grocer to-morrow 
that he positively must bring us some American 
potatoes." 



Original. 

Clara. — "Your Boston friend, Mr. Beene- 
becker, is a most surprising youth. He is 
faultless in dress, but absurdly original in 
manner. ' ' 

Ethel. — " That's his great charm in my eyes. 
It is so remindful of a good old patriotic air. 
you know. I am kept wondering what my. 
Yankee dude' 11 do." 



A Slight Difference. 

" And you may give me two boxes of straw- 
berries, please," said the young housekeeper. 

"Hi, Jimmie !" said the butcher; "two 
boxes of straw for Mrs. Byrnes." 

"No, James," cried Mrs. B. ; "not two 
boxes of straw, but two boxes of berries." 



34 

Sure of Her Ground* 

He. — " Will you marry me ?" 
She.—' ' Wait a minute. ' ' [Exit. ] 
,( Reappearing with a shotgun. — "Hold up 
your hands ! Higher yet ! I am sorry to say, 
Mr. Brown, that I can only be a sister to you. 
You must pardon my seemingly rude conduct, 
but so many young women are getting killed 
nowadays by rejected suitors that I thought a 
little precaution would not be out of place. ' ' 



A Maiden's Artifice. 

Artful Amy. — " Algernon, in parliamentary 
usage, what does the presiding officer say when 
a matter is to be put to a vote ?" 

Unsuspecting Algernon. — "Are you ready 
for the question?" 

Artful Amy. — " Y-yes, Algernon, I think I 
am." 



Turns tne Crank. 

The Advance of Science. — "Yes," she re- 
marked proudly, " my husband is a member of 
one of the foremost professions of the age. He 
is an electrician." 

"Is he with Edison?" 

' ' No ; he is a brakesman on one of the new 
Fourth Avenue cars." 



35 

The Penitential Season. 

Rector. — " Good morning, Miss Devout ; de- 
lightful weather, is it not ? True spring wea- 
ther, indeed. By the way, Miss Devout, are 
you denying yourself anything during this 
penitential Iyenten season ?" 

Miss Devout. — "Oh ! yes, I've left off my 
sealskin sacque." 



A Sure Indication. 

Mrs. Rogers (just returned from a walk). — 
1 ' I am afraid I am growing old and fading very 
fast." 

Mr. R. — " Nonsense, my dear. What causes 
you to imagine so ?" 

Mrs. R. — "Why, the policemen never hold 
my arm now when escorting me across a 
crowded thoroughfare.'' 



Preferred Another Brand. 

Mrs. Brown. — "My husband is one of the 

most generous of men." 

Mrs. Terwilliger.— "That's nice." 

Mrs. Brown. — " Yes ; I made him a present 

of a box of cigars for Christmas and he has 

given them all away to his friends. He hasn't 

smoked a single one himself. ' ' 



36 

The Snrine of His Devotion. 

Mrs. Allgood (to Mrs. Malaprop, as her 
nephew leaves the room). — " Your nephew 
seems to be very fond of music ?" 

Mrs. Malaprop. — " Yes ; especially religious 
music. He is a constant visitor to the Arch- 
bishop's Ca-ca — Casino on Fifth Avenue. " 



When Women Hold Office. 

Female Sheriff. — "Is }^our husband at 
home?" 

Wife (suspiciously). — " He is not. What do 
you want of him." 

" I have an attachment for him." 

" You have ! Why, you shameless thing !" 



Not so Popular. 

She (after the opera). — "Topical songs are 

not so popular, are they ?" 

He. — " Why do you think so, dear ?" 

She. — " They never introduced one in ( Aida' 

to-night." 



A. Drawback, 

Lady. — " Oh ! what a lovely chair. It is an 
antique, is it not?" 
Salesman. — " No, madam ; that is modern." 
Lady. — *' Oh ! what a pity ! It was so pretty." 



37 

Tl*e Marriage is Off. 

Raker (to Miss Brown, who is aged thirty- 
seven and as rich as she is not lovely). — " Miss 
Eva, I love you, I adore you ! Will you be 
mine?" 

Miss Eva (blushing).— 1 ' Yes." 
Raker.—" Oh ! you dear old girl !" 



Got t,eft. 

Fitzjones. — " Did you go to the theatre last 
evening, Percy ?" 

De Brown. — "No ; I attended a sleight-of- 
hand performance. ' ' 

Fitzjones.—" Where ?" 

De Brown. — " I went to call on Miss Le 
Smythe, and offered her my hand, but she 
slighted it." 

Good Reasoning. 

Jack was waiting for his wife to get ready for 
the theatre, and impatientfy exclaimed : " For 
goodness sake, Mary, why do you have six 
buttons on your gloves ? It takes you forever 
to get started. Wouldn't two buttons do just 
as well?" 

" No, dear ; if there w r ere only two buttons, 
that would leave four vacant button-holes. 
Now, just tie my veil — that's a good man." 



38 

Had Something I^eft. 

New Yorker (to friend). — "Did you read 
about that young lady being robbed in broad 
daylight on Sixth Avenue ?" 

Friend. — " Yes, I read about it." 

"Singular, wasn't it?" 

" What was there singular about it? Such 
things happen every week." 

" But didn't you read that she had $5 in her 
pocket-book, and that she had just returned 
from shopping? That a woman should quit 
shopping while she had $5 is the most astonish- 
ing thing I have ever known. ' ' 



A Well runctuated ^Jine. 

"Yes," said the proud Boston mother, 
"Winthrop is doing well at college. He writes 
me that he is the comma of his nine." 

"Comma?" 

"Yes; I believe that is what they call the 
short stop at Harvard. ' ' 



Old Times. 

Susan B. Anthony greatly admires Mrs. 
Potter's Cleopatra. Miss Anthony knew the 
original Cleopatra when her brother Marc was 
attentive to the Egyptian Queen. 



39 

Attractive, 

Bessie (on top of stage). — " Pa told me busi- 
ness was improving." 

Jennie. — " Yes, everything seems to be look- 
ing up." 



Not a Methodist. 

Mrs. Casey. — " What's the matter wid yer 
goat, Mrs. Sullivan?" 

Mrs. Sullivan.—" She's not falin' well. Last 
Sathurday she ate a Mail and Express wid a 
bishop in it, and it nearly kilt the poor cra- 
chure." 



In Shape for Publication. 

Young Lady (to editor). — " I see, Mr. Shears, 
that you published my article." 

Mr. Shears. — " Yes, we used it ; but we had 
to cut it down a good deal. We had the boy 
who runs the adjective killer at work on it pretty 
nearly all day." 



A Cause for Meekness. 

Jinks (at a party). — " I don't see what's the 
matter with that pretty woman over there. She 
was awfully flirty a little while ago, and now 
she won't have anything to do with me." 

Stranger. — ' ' I have just come in. She's my 
wife." 



40 

Polite tout Practical, 

1 ( I have spent a very pleasant evening and 
must thank }T>u very much," said Bilk to the 
hostess, as he was leaving after the dance. 

Hostess (from the wild West).— " That's all 
right, 3 T oung fellow, but what's the matter with 
taking your own hat? You've got my old 
man's." 



Setting the flatter Right. 

Magistrate (to elderly witness). — " Your age, 
madam ?" 

Witness.— "Thirty." 

Magistrate.—" Thirty what?" 

Witness.— "Years." 

Magistrate. — " Thanks. I thought it might 
be months." 



A Pretty Picture, 

Mrs. Rural Emde (on Chestnut Street). — 
"Look at that sweet little girl. Did you ever 
see anything more angelic ?" 

Mr. Emde (a country doctor). — " Yes, she is 
certainly a pretty picture. She has that soft, 
delicate, ethereal, sewer-gas style of beauty 
seldom met with outside the large cities." 



41 

Jlotlierly Solicitude. 

"What a fine little fellow," said the patron- 
izing old gentleman who had been elected Rep- 
resentative for four successive times from his 
Congressional district. His remark was ad- 
dressed to a kind-faced lady, who held in her 
arms a little fellow who blinked gravely at all 
that was going on. 

" Yes,'' replied the lady. " His father and 
I set a great deal of store by him." 

"Well, he's a bright-looking little fellow. 
Maybe he'll be a Congressman some day." 

1 ' Maybe he will. ' ' said the mother. ' ' But, ' ' 
she added, earnestly, " I'm going to do my best 
to raise him right." 



Afraid He Jlay I^eave. 

Mrs. Frontpew. — l 'I think it is shocking— 
the interest our minister is taking in base-ball. 
Why, I saw him out playing yesterday after- 
noon with a lot of boys from the college." 

Mr. F. — " Oh ! I don't know that there is 
anything wrong about base-ball." 

Mrs. F. — " I don't say that it is really im- 
moral, but by and by he'll get a curve pitch, 
as they call it, and either leave the pulpit or 
want Sio,ooo a year." 



42 

A Woman's Reason. 

Jane. — " I hate to have the policeman take 
hold of my arm in crossing the street. ' ' 

Ethel. — ' ' Yes. it is very impertinent of him. ' ' 

Jane.— "Oh! I don't mean that; but I 

almost die of mortification, my arm is so thin." 



The ]JIoclerii Maid. 

I. 

"Where are you going to, my pretty maid ?" 
"I'm going to the cooking-school, sir," she 
said. 

II. 
" And what do you do there, my pretty maid ?" 
" Make waffles and biscuits, kind sir, ' ' she said. 

in. 
' ' And then do you eat them, my pretty maid ?' ' 
" The TOod Lord deliver us, sir," she said. 



Saving: Wear and Tear. 

Miss Slimdiet. — " Anew boarder came while 
you were out — a young lady." 

Mrs. Slimdiet (boarding-housekeeper). — " Is 
she pretty?" 

"Awfully." 

"Well, put an extra strip of rag carpet in 
front of her mirror. ' ' 



43 

Mamma is An 

Son. — u Papa, how do you catch lunatics?" 
Cynical Father. — "With large straw hats 

and feathers and white dresses, jewelry and 

neat gloves, my boy." 

Mamma (musingly). — "Yes, I remember 

that's how I dressed before we were married/' 



Feminine Spite. 

Bessie. — " I'm going to marry De Garry. ' 
Jennie. — " I'm so glad." 
Bessie. — " Oh ! you dear girl." 
Jennie. — "Yes; he was bothering the life 
out of me to marry him." 



Sure Knotig-h ! 

"Hello, Jones!. I hear that Charley has 
married Miss Smith." 

"Who solemnized the marriage, Mr. Textual 
or Parson Creed ?" 

" Neither, my dear boy. It was Miss Smith's 
mother. She's living with them." 



An Undecisive Struggle. 

In an argument with a man, a woman in- 
variably has the last word. But death alone 
can decide the victory when the battle is be- 
tween two women. 



44 

Wanted to Know the Particulars. 

Mr. Findout. — " Sad about Mrs. S , died 

this morning while trying on a new dress" 

Mrs. Findout. — "No, you don't say so; 
what was it trimmed with ?" 



Hard Tinies. 

Kind Lady. — "Your husband has not been 
drinking lately, I notice." 

Mrs. Mulhooly. — " No, mum ; he's been out 
o' worrk, an' divil a cint has the poor mon had 
ferenjoyin' hisself at all, at all." 



Unexpected. 

Bella. — " Don't I look like a perfect fright in 

my new sack, though ?" 

Clara (absent mindedly). — " Yes." 

Bella. — " You mean thing ! I'll never speak 

to }^ou again as long as I live !' ' 



Forgot Himself. 

Mr. Lakeside (of Chicago, in an art gallery)- 
— " How much is that Rosa Bonheur?" 

Dealer. — " Five thousand." 

1 ' My stars ! Why 3-011 can buy live sheep 
and hogs for — " 

Mrs. Lakeside (with dignity). — "Come, now ; 
don't talk shop." 



45 



This is Aughl* 

There was a young man from St. Paughl, 
Who went to his girl's house to caughl ; 
She was berating the servant 
In language quite fervent, 
Now he doesn't go near at aughl. 



To Marry the Machine. 

Policeman. — "Come, young woman, you 
must not loiter here after the audience has dis- 
persed. ' ' 

Young Woman. — " Please, sir, I have busi- 
ness here." 

Policeman.—" Well, what is it?" 

Young Woman (blushing). — "I am the— 
the young woman that's engaged to the automa- 
ton chess-player, and I am waiting for him to 
take me home." 



Partly Blind. 

Yeast. — " Do you believe that love is blind?" 
Crimsonbeak. — "Sometimes I do. Now, 
there is a young couple that have only been 
married three months living in the flat under 
us. The husband hit his birdie in the eye with 
a plate the other morning, and I am quite sure 
that his love is somewhat blind. ' ' 



46 

Scene on the Klevated. 

Effusive Young Lady (not too young). — 
" Oh ! Why do you give me your seat ?" 

Bright-Faced Old Man > not too old).— " Be- 
cause, madame, I have the happiness to have a 
mother, a wife, and a daughter." 



Used to Xhesn. 

Mrs. De Trop.— " I don't think, Mr. De 
Trop, that your sarcasm levelled at our decollete 
ball dresses is called for. Your own brother, 
the Captain, takes a much more liberal view of 
society matters." 

Mr. De Trop. — " Undoubtedly. Captain Bob 
has just returned from Samoa." 



These Days Have Tlieir ^lartyrs. 

Dr. Schmerz. — "You have a very bad cold, 
Miss Ball. Have you exposed yourself any 
way?" 

Miss Charity Ball.— " Yes, Doctor. I took 
off my fawn-colored overgaiters because it was 
Lent." 

Dr. Schmerz. — " H'm ! Why not wear black 
ones ?" 

Miss Ball. — ' ' Oh ! they look so very common, 
Doctor !" 



47 

Something: Wanting. 

( ' Rosa Bonheur as an artist is not true to 
nature," remarked the snake editor. 

" How is that?" asked the horse editor. 

"In her picture, 'The Horse Fair,' appear 
several white horses, but not a single red haired 
girl." 



A Slight Diversion. 

Matilda. — "What a ridiculous little dog, 
Jane ! Why does he take it along with him ?" 

Jane. — ' '' Well, if he didn't, you know, every- 
body would be laughing at him." 



Mis Present. 

Sweet Girl. — " Mother, George told me 
solemnly that the pretty hairpin-holder he gave 
me cost $5 ; yet to-day I saw exactly the same 
kind on sale for ten cents." 

Mother. — "You know, my dear, George is 
very religious. Most likely he bought that at 
a church fair." 



A Wallflower. 

Clara. — " Did you notice how beautifully un- 
dress sat at the Harvard assembly ?" 

Bessie. — -"Yes, I noticed it sat most of the 
time." 



48 

Only Waiting. 

He (who has been hanging fire all winter).— 
" Are you fond of puppies, Miss Smith ?" 

She (promptly ). — " What a singular way you 
have of proposing, Edgardo. Yes, darling." 

And now the cards are out. 



What Broke tlie Baker Up, 

Baker. — " Good morning, madam, can I 
serve you with anything to-day ?" 

Young Housekeeper. — " I would like to get 
a dozen nice sweetbreads, newly baked, if you 
please, Mr. Alum." 



Vile Cigars. 

"Alfred, love, you don't seem to like the 
cigars I gave 3^ou." 

11 Oh ! yes I do, but they are too choice to 
smoke for common. I don't bring 'em out ex- 
cept when some of our gentlemen friends drop 
in to enjoy them with me." 

"That reminds me, Alfred, that none of them 
have called here for some time. They were 
always so sociable. I wonde/ what the reason 
can be?" 

Albert makes no reply, but thinks it ma} ; 
have been the cigars. 



49 

Can't See Callers. 

Adele (handmaid). — " Impossible for you to 
see madame. She is indisposed and cannot re- 
ceive callers. ' ' 

Visitor. — "So ill as that? Has she had a 
doctor?" 

Adele (whispering). — " No, she doesn't need 
one. She's only mad because she broke her 
glass eye in the bath this morning, and now 
she can't go to the reception to-night to show 
off her new Worth dress. ' ' 



Taking Time toy tne Bang:* 

Mrs. Younghusband. — " Erastus, I cooked 
the dinner to day." 

Mr. Younghusband.— "All of it?" 

Mrs. Y. (proudly).— "Yes." 

Mr. Y. — " Well, have it served, and send John 
for the doctor. ' ' 



Naked Eyes. 

Aunt Susan (to Boston girl who had just re- 
turned from New York).—" And how did you 
enjoy yourself, Carrie?" 

Carrie. — " I had a very enjoyable visit, aunt ; 
but it was positively shocking to see so many 
people without glasses." 
4 



50 

A Big: Barrier, 

" No, Mr. Meredith, you must put awa3 r this 
madness. I can never, never be yours ; there 
is an insurmountable obstacle." 

1 ' Do not say so ! Tell me what that insur- 
mountable obstacle is, love, that I may crush 
it as I would a worm in my path. ' ' 

" It is a husband in Xew York." 



She Had Been Xhere. 

She had only been married a few weeks, and 
was telling her bosom friend how nicely her 
husband could write. " You should see some 
of his love-letters," she cooed. 

"Yes, I know," was the freezing reply; 
" I've a drawer full of them up-stairs." 

Tableau. 



What Our Artist lias to r»ut up With. 

He. — " By Jove, it's the best thing I've ever 
painted ! — and I'll tell you what : I've a good 
mind to give it to Mary Morison for her wed- 
ding present !" 

His Wifey.— " Oh ! but, my love, the Mori- 
sons have always been so hospitable to us ! 
You ought to give her a real present, you know 
—a fan, or a scent bottle, or something of that 
sort !" 



51 

Kffect of tlie license I*aw. 

In the parlor at 12.30 a.m. 

" Excuse me, Harry ; papa is calling." 

" Certainly, Eveline." 

Eveline (on her return to the parlor). — " I'm 
sorry, Harry, but you'd better go. Papa says 
he hasn't got a license for running an all-night 
place." 



A Bare Possibility. 

Miss F. — "I think I shall go as Cleopatra, 
but I don't know where to go for the costume. " 

Mrs. A. — "You will find all you need at 
Tiffany's." 



A Sad Funeral. 

Mrs. Bromley. — " Oh ! I attended such a sad 
funeral this afternoon, Mrs. Jackson." 

"Whose?" 

" Mrs. Frummy's little daughter, a bright, 
pretty little girl of ten. Her parents fairly 
idolized her. I never saw such a sorrowful 
scene in all my life." 

Mrs. Jackson.— " Too bad ! Too bad ! What 
was it, scarlet fever?" 

" No, she jumped the rope six hundred times 
without stopping. ' ' 



52 

Some Social Slips. 

" I beg your pardon, madam, but you are 
sitting on my silk hat ' exclaimed a gentle- 
man. 

* ' Oh ! pray excuse me , I thought it was my 
husband's.'' 



A BJose for Music. 

Mrs. A. — " Does your husband snore?" 

Mrs. B.— "Yes; delightfully." 

Mrs. A.— " Delightfully ?" 

Mrs. B. — "Yes. You see he is an Italian 
baritone, and always snores selections from 
1 Trovatore ' and ' IyUcia.' " 



His Branch. 

* ' You say your son is a painter, Mrs, Browne. 
Is he a landscape-painter ?" 

" No, I think not. His last job was on the 
Galway flat house. He is more of a fire-escape 
painter. ' ' 



I^eading; to the Point. 

Chorus Girl (in restaurant). — "Am I your 

little duck?" 

Fledgling. — " Of course you are." 

Chorus Girl. — "Then tell the waiter to bring 

me a canvasback. ' ' 



53 

Her Own. 

They stood beneath the stars, and, silent as 
the heart-beats of the night, looked far away 
into the diamond-studded shirt front of the sky. 

" Is that Mars ?" he whispered, as he slipped 
his arm around her waist and gazed upon a 
glittering orb in that distant blue. 

' ' No, it isn't, ' ' she exclaimed, jerking away ; 
"it's mine, and if you think you are embracing 
mother you are mistaken." 



Reflection on the Old ^Iaid. 

Merchant's Wife (suddenly appearing in her 
husband's office). — " Hah ! I thought you said 
your typewriter girl was an old maid ?" 

Merchant (much confused). — "Urn — er, yes, 
m' dear, of course, of course ; but she is sick 
to-day, and she sent her little granddaughter 
as a substitute. >5 



Caught in the Act. 

Mrs. Faddleby. — "What a rude woman Mrs. 

Hiflier is. She always looks back at people 

who pass her." 

Mr. Faddleby. — " How do you know ?" 
Mrs. Faddleby. — "Why, I've caught her at 

it several times myself. ' J 



54 

Once More the Course Runs Rough, 

He (philosophizing). — " Ah ! how much un- 
necessary discord there is in life. Don't you 
often think so ? And yet — ' ' 

Fair Pianist — "Thank you ; yes." 

Closes piano with emphasis. 



Why the Milkman Fainted. 

Young Mother. — "Mr. Waterman, do you 

keep any young calves ?" 

Milkman. — " Yes, a few, madam." 

Young Mother. — "Well, then, I wish you 

would bring about a pint of calf's milk every 

day, as I am afraid cow's milk is rather strong 

for baby." 



Qualified. 

" Do you think your son has the necessary 
qualifications to become an artist?" 

"I'm sure of it. He can do without food for 
three days and he knows the position of every 
free lunch in the city." 



Oh! lovely Woman. 

Bessie. — " How dreadfully ill fitting all Miss 
Dowdy's things are." 

Jennie. — " Yes. She'd need to have apoplexy 
to get a fit." 



55 

A Gentle Hint. 

They were on their way home from the 
theatre. — "We had an interesting discussion 
last night at the debating club," remarked 
George ; " the subject was, ' What shall we do 
with our raw materials ?' " 

' ' I know little about matters of that nature, 
George," returned the girl, timidly, "but I 
think some of our raw materials should be dis- 
posed of on the half-shell. ' ' 



A Just Reproach. 

He (tenderly). — "May I see you pretty 
soon?" 

She (reproachfully). — "Don't you think I 
am pretty now ?" 



What Din" Stie Mean? 

Mrs. Prairyavnoo. — "Gwendolen, that young 
Mr. Wobbyshavnoo is too fresh and too pre- 
sumptuous. We shall have to sit down on 
him." 

Gwendolen (sweetly). — "Let me alone for 
that, mamma. I'll attend to it the next time 
he comes." 

Mamma looks suspiciously at daughter, but 
Says nothing. 



56 

Paid in Advance. 

Bridget. — ' ' Shall I lave the hall lamp burning 
ma'am ?" 

Mistress. — " No. I am pretty sure Mr. Jones 
won't be home until daylight. He kissed me 
three times before he left and gave me $20 for a 
new spring bonnet." 



Time Klies Fast to Rovers. 

(As they say their last "good-bye" a clock 
strikes 10 ! 11 ! 12 !) 

George. — " How the hours do fly when you 
are at my side, dear !" 

Daisy. — " Yes, George ; but that's Pa in the 
dining-room, setting the clock !" 



Lovely Eyes at Delmoiiico'vS. 

Edward (who has taken his girl to Del.'s and 
given her a $30 dinner). — " Well, darling, what 
do you think of Delmonico's ?" 

Girl. — " I think that French waiter has the 
loveliest eyes I ever saw." 



Jealous to the End. 

Dying Husband (to jealous wife) — li Ah ! 
darling, I am dying ; I am going to heaven." 

Jealous Wife. — " Yes, I know it. Just like 
you. You want to meet some girl up there !" 



57 

A Xicket for liis Kriend. 

"Mother doesn't think she will go to the 

theatre with us to-night, Albert." 

' k Is that so ? I've got three tickets. What 
shall we do with the third one ?" 

' ' Give it to the man that you always go out 
to see between the acts. He can. sit with us 
and you won't have to go out to see him." 



The idea. 

Census Taker. — ' k Madam, how old are you, 
please?" 

Madam (under fifty, just a little). — " I'm not 
old at all, you horrid thing." 



Needs no Salt. 

Young Husband. — ' ' Did you wet the lettuce, 
love?" 

Bride. — " I did my best. I expected you 
home at 2, here it is 6. I cried over it for four 
hours ; it's soaked." 



A Deep Cut. 

Miss Travis. — " Don't you think my new 
dress is too sweet for anything ?" 

Miss DeSmith. — ' ' Oh ! lovely, exquisite ; I do 
believe your dressmaker could make a bean- 
pole look graceful." 



58 

3*ot So Bashful. 

Julia. — "Yes, Tom's a good fellow — hand- 
some and has plent} T of money — but he's so 
awfully timid and bashful, you know. He's 
been coming to see me twice a week for nearly a 
month, and he's never attempted to kiss me." 

Clara. — " Well, he certainly appears to pos- 
sess good taste, among his other excellent quali- 
ties, but really he was not so timid when he 
called to see me the other evening. ' ' 

They don't speak now. 



A Misapprehension of Terms. 
Mr. Hollister. — " Aw, what did Mrs. Win- 

chell have on !" 

Mrs. Hollister.— " Oh ! that same old still !" 

Mr. Hollister.— "Why-y-y, Alice!" 

Mrs. Hollister. — " I don't mean to be slangy, 

dear, but she actually didn't say a word during 

the whole tea. ' ' 



A Broad Hint. 

Clara. — " Did I hear you say good-night ?" 
De Bore. — 4i No, my dear. You must have 

dreamed it. ' ' 

Clara. — ' ' Perhaps I did. I'm sleepy enough 

to dream." 



59 

The locality of Tt, 

De Budge (looking over the family album). — 
11 Who's this old gentleman in uniform ?" 

Miss Bendix. — "That's old Grandpa Bendix. 
He failed to leave us a lot of money we ex- 
pected." 

De Budge.— " Did he die intestate ?" 

Miss Bendix. — " Oh ! no ; somewhere down 
near Seabright, Xew Jersey, I believe/' 



Villagre Hatreds. 

He. — "Your unexpected refusal, Miss Edith, 
has rendered me desperate. I'm a broken- 
hearted man to-night, God bless you — good 
night, good night." 

Miss Edith. — 4l Surely, Mr. Whittington, you 
will do nothing desperate ?" 

He. — "Yes, I shall move to Rome, X.Y.— 
and may Heaven have mercy on my soul." 



^p^p-T^ ^j^^^ 








Slow Time. 

Tom (excitedly), — ''Say, Jerry, your watch 
is gone." 

Jerry (feeling leisurely in his pocket). — - 
" Well, no matter. It can't go long enough to 
get fai away." 



A Grand I^egfacy. 

Lobbs. — ^ Did the old gentleman leave much 
when he died ?'' 

Bobbs.— <( He left the earth. What more 
could I expect?" 

60 



61 

Celebating. 

A Rochester man celebrated Washington's 
Birthday by putting an egg under his hen and 
telling her to hatchet. 



His Plan. 

Charley. — " Pa, this book says the earth 
moves. Why does it move ?" 

Pa (thinking of something else). — " Because 
it's cheaper than paying rent, I suppose." 



Ambiguous. 

"Doctor, how do you find your patient 

to-day?" 

" Oh ! Mr. Ransom is no worse." 

" Do you anticipate a fatal result ?" 

" Mrs. Ransom, niy medicine has never yet 

failed to do its work." 



True to t,ife. 

On the tombstone of the late Mr. Tightgrip 
appeared a bas-relief like this : 

I 

" That's old Tightgrip exactly," said Jones, 
as he surveyed the monument ; "he never 
ordered more than one beer at a time in his 
life." 



62 

Too I^ate. 

They were standing in the Hartford depot as 
the cars moved slowly out, when a distracted 
man rushed through the station, fell over his 
valise and unloaded considerable profanity into 
space. ' ' Who is that man who is swearing so ?" 
asked Spicer's friend, and the other responded, 
"He's Mr. Train." 



A Sign That Failed. 

1 ' A nasty howling dog woke me up about 
midnight," said Mcjuggins, 

*' Why, the howl of a dog like that is a sign 
of death," replied Brant, who is somewhat 
superstitious. 

" It wasn't this time, for my revolver missed 
fire, and before I could shoot again the beast 
was gone." 

A Touching Recognition. 

Mr. Oldfriend. — " I've not seen you in a long 
time. You have changed so very much I hardly 
knew } t ou." 

Mr. Sadly. — "Yes, every passing year sets 
its mark on a man." 

"That's so. I ought to have known you by 
your year marks." 



63 

Short and Sweet. 

She. — " Did your uucle leave you anything; 
Henri?" 

He.— "He did." 
She. — " Henri, I am yours." 
He. — " He left me his blessing." 
She. — " Henri, I am not yours." 



Reassured. 

Mr. Rambo (at dime museum, in great alarnV). 

— "Nancy, do you see anything in that cage 

near the monkeys ?" 

Mrs. Rambo. — " Yes, there's a lot of snakes." 
Mr. Rambo (with recovered self-possession \ 

— So they are. Fine specimens, too, aren't 

they?" 



Accepted Half. 

Bjones — "I hear De Garry gave Miss 
Rapidde a pound of caramels with his love." 

Merritt. — " Yes ; he told me she accepted the 
caramels." 



Giving- Herself Away. 

Charlie. — "Jennie gave herself away last 
night." 

Bessie.— "Where?" 

Charlie. — " At the nickel machine. 



64 



Miseries of Trade. 

Druggist (awakened -at 2 a. m.) .— "Whal 
do you wish?" 

Voice 'at the door). — " If you'll let me look 
in your directory to see how to address this 
letter, I'll buy the postage stamp of you." 



Good-bye, George. 

George. — " Will }^ou miss me, Maude, when 
I am away?" 

Maude.— "Yes, George !" 

George. — " I shall be very happy !" 

Maude. — " So shall I be happy !" 

George. — " How so ?" 

Maude. — " Happy to miss you." 



One for the Doctor. 

At the Ball (Miss Keane to handsome 3^oung 
physician). — "O doctor! how do you do? 
You look quite killing this evening." 

Young Physician (quietly). — " Thank you, 
but I'm not ! I'm off duty, don't you know ?" 



A Kerry Good Answer, 
" I believe the Albany boat leaves this pier. 

does it not ?" 

" Leaves it every trip, ma'am. Never knew 

it to take the dock up the river yet." 



65 

Anything tout Humor. 

Young man (to office boy). — "Give that 
humorous article to the editor, please, and ask 
him if he can read it right away." 

" Office boy (returning with humorous arti- 
cle). — " De boss returns the article with thanks. 
He says he's all upset with the mumps, and 
prob'ly won't be able to read anything funny 
for a week. ' ' 



A matter of Business. 

Farmer. — " I didn't have any money for the 
paper, so I thought I would bring you in a load 
of turnips." 

Editor. — "Yes; that's as good to me as 
money. Er— before you go, Mr. Hayseed, 
there's a little matter I'd like to speak to you 
about." 

Farmer.— " Well, what is it ?" 

Editor. — " You don't want to buy a load of 
turnips, do you ?" 



A Bad Errand. 

Mr. Gibbs (meeting his son late at night). — 
" Where are you going at this time of night, 
John? On no good errand, F 11 warrant." 

John. — " No, sir ; I was going to look for 
you." 

5 



66 

On the I»ress. 

Dapper gent (former employer) . — " Well, 
Bowser, how are getting on ? What are 
you— ?" 

Bowser. — " Thanky, sif, very well, sir, I'm 
on the press now, sir." 

Dapper gent. — " Oh ! indeed ! Editor?" 

Bowser. — " No, sir. I direct the wrappers, 
sir." 



A Lasting; Wrong:. 

Fred (bitterly). — " That woman did me the 
greatest injury woman can do to man — gave 
solemn promise of marriage." 

Harry.—" And broke it ?" 

Fred. — *' No, kept it, and made me keep it, 
too." 



A New Patent. 

Bingley. — "Well, have you patented any- 
thing lately ?" 

Inventor. — " Oh ! yes. I have jnst received 
letters-patent for my new 7 ' Prize-fight Suspen- 
der Button.' Biggest snap of the century." 

Bingley. — "What makes you call it the 
' Prize-fight ?' " 

Inventor. — " It never comes off." 



67 

Surprised. 

" May I look through your waste basket?" 

inquired the young man, entering timidly. 

' ' Certainty, ' ' said the editor. ' ' What do you 
want to find?" 

" A little article on ' Mortality ' that I sent 
in yesterday." 

1 ' My dear sir, that article was accepted and 
will appear to-morrow. I will draw you a 
check for $25, and I assure you — " 

But he spoke to lifeless ears. The young man 
had fallen to the floor. The shock had killed 
him. 

^iot a Harness. 

Gadgly. — "That's a pretty harness your dog 
wears, Harold—" 

Harold.— "Harness?" 

Gadgly.— "Yes." 

Harold. — "That aint what sister calls it. 
She says it's his suspenders, and he has to 
wear them to keep up his pants." 



Regret. 

Little Johnnie. — " Were you made of dust?" 
Merritt. — "Yes, my boy. But I have little 
of it now. ' ' 



68 

laterally True. 

He. — " I tell you, the Ponsonbys have got a 
fly house." 

She. — " Oh ! dear ! I thought you said you 
wouldn't use slang any more in my presence, 
Algernon ?" 

He. — "And I'm not. It is a fly house. 
There are two wings on it." 



The Deadly Tea Biscuit. 

Ted. — " Poor Younghusband will be dis- 
figured for life. What did his wife hit him 
with?" 

Ned. — ' * One of her home-made tea biscuits. ' ' 



At a Musicale. 

Miss Arlington. — "How beautifully Miss 
Bangs plays the piano !" 

Mr. Witling. — " Plays !— works, I should 
say." 



Aged. 

Jenks. — " Ha, ha, ha ! That's a pretty good 
story, isn't it, Binks ?" 

Binks.— "Very good." 

Jenks.—" I told it well, too ; didn't I ?" 

Binks. — "Well, I think my nurse used to 
tell it better." 



69 

His Attention Was Diverted. 

Johnson. — " I saw Mat this morning." 
Jackson.— "Ah! ha !" 

Johnson. — "Yes, and I had a great mind to 
speak to him. He owes me $50/' 

Jackson. — "1 hear he has been sick. How 
was he looking?" 

Johnson. — " Well, he was looking the other 
way when I met him." 



Gone to Destruction. 

The proud New England man entered his 
home with dragging step and bowed head. 

"Elizabeth," he said, w 7 ith trembling voice, 
1 ' I have heard at last from our way ward son 
William." 

" Is he dead, Jonathan ?" 

"Worse than that," groaned the wretched 
father. " He is in the Indiana Legislature !" 



A Poor Guesser. 

Father. — "Well, how did you come out on 
the bean-guessing contest ?" 

Dull Boy. — " I guessed there was 150 beans 
in the jar, and there was 9,200." ' 

Father (sadly). — " I'm afraid you'll never be 
fit for anything but a weather bureau chief." 



70 

Ought to nave neen a l»orter. 

Miss Emma Karns has sued Charles Boyer, a 
Pullman conductor, for breach of promise, 
claiming $10,000 damages. Emma evidently 
labors under the impression that the Pullman 
conductor is as wealthy as the Pullman porter. 



The Ice Corner. 

Gus (sadly). — "I hear the mild winter is 
likely to advance the price of ice cream next 
summer. ' ' 

Jack. — " Cracky ! I must either break my 
engagement with Clara or marry her. ' ' 



The Old Man's Reason. 

Daughter. — " But, father, we can't marry 
now. We must wait until after Easter. "' 

Father. — " Suit yourself, then. If you get a 
new bonnet, though, you will have to stick him 
for it. " 



No Objection. 

Tenaweek. — "Sir, I wish to marry your 
daughter. ' ' 

Gruff Father. — " My daughter, young man, 
will continue under the parental roof." 

Tenaweek. — " No objection will be raised to 
that, sir!" 



71 

In Paris. 

Impecunious but Enthusiastic Collector. — 
"Let me see, what is the price of that pic- 
ture?" 

Art Dealer. — "Eighteen hundred francs, 
Madame. ' ' 

Impecunious but Enthusiastic Collector. — 
li Eighteen hundred francs ! Why, this is the 
third time I have asked the price of that paint- 
ing within three days and it is ioo francs more 
each time I ask !" 

Art Dealer.—" Yes, but Madame must re- 
member it is antique, and that it grow r s older 
every day." 



A I»ut>lic Relief. 

Blobson. — " I understand that Borer has gone 
South for the rest of the winter. ' ' 

Popinjay. — "Yes, and for the rest of the 
community, too." 



A Sad Deficiency. 

"Talk about the luxury of the White 
House !" remarked Russell, scornfully, the 
other day ; "why, there's a bath-room there, 
and lots of tow r els ; but, do you know, there 
isn't a w r ash-rag in the wiiole place !" 



72 

You Bet Your I^ife. 

Mrs. Lightpurse. — " Here is an article in this 
paper entitled ' The World's Debt to the Jews.' 
Shall I read it?" 

Mr. Lightpurse, — " No ; that's a chestnut, I 
guess. Nearly everybody is in debt to the 
Jews ; we all know that. Here put this last 
pawn-ticket with the others. ' ' 



A Preference, 

1 ' Do you believe that Dr. Holmes was right 
when he said ' poverty is a cure for dyspep- 
sia?"' 

" It may be. I'd rather have the dyspepsia." 



Home Rule. 

Henpecked Husband (reading the paper and 
rocking the cradle). — "Ahem! the bustle is 
going out, I see." 



Too R.islcy, 

Insurance Officer. — " I understand that Mr. 
Richman hasn't a cent of insurance on his life. 
Why don't you go for him ?" 

Agent. — "Won't do He was born lucky 
and makes money out of every thing he touches. 
If we should insure Richman to-day ten chances 
to one he'd die to-morrow." 



73 

Tar Too. 

11 Did they receive your warning?" 

" Did they? Well, rather. They made it so 

hot I left on the next train. Here is a souvenir 

feather." 



An Even Thing, 

Irate Father. — " Young man, I am amazed, 
astounded, sir, that you should seek to marry 
my daughter on so short an acquaintance. You 
are almost a stranger to her. ' ' 

The Young Man.— " Well, she don't take 
any more chances than I do. She's almost a 
stranger to me, too," 



New Turn to the •« Sister" Joke. 

Ned. — " So she said she would be a sister to 
you?" 

Jack.— " Yes." 

Ned.— " What did you say to that ?" 

Jack. — " I told her we would compromise on 
1 aunt ' — I was too young to be her brother." 



How True. 

Mr. McCorkle was showing some visitors 
over the house. Arriving at the nursery he 
remarked, ''This, gentlemen, is the bawl- 
room." 



74 

Ice Will Be Higli. 

" Clara, who was that young man that spent 
last evening with you?" 

1 ' Papa, that was Charlie Cool, the son of 
Mr. Cool, the ice man." 

" Has his father got any ice?" 

" A little, Charlie says." 

" Marry him, my dear; he'll be a million- 
aire." 



Kirst Steps. 

' ' Thump-rattle-bang, ' ' went the piano. 

"What are you trying to play, Jane ?" called 
out her father from the next room. 

" It's an exercise from my new instruction 
book. First steps in music," she answered. 

' 'Well, I thought 3'ou were playing with 
your feet," he said, grimly; "don't step so 
heavy on the keys, it disturbs my thought." 



Too Previous. 

" Mr. Barker, do you think we will go to the 
seaside or mountains next summer?" asked the 
power behind the throne, as the family sat 
about the evening lamp. 

"Mrs. B.," answered her husband, "I have 
not paid for the Christmas present you gave me 
yet," and a dull silence reigned. 



75 

Went to the Wrong- Mace, 

Tom. — " My doctor told me to go somewhere 
and enjoy a good laugh as a cure for torpid 
liver, so I went to the theatre last night. ' ' 

Jim. — " Yes ; and did you laugh heartily?" 

Tom.— " I didn't." 

Jim. — " No. What was the play ?" 

Tom. — ct A comic opera." 



The Nicest Type-writer, 

Mrs. Temperton.—" Henry, father wrote 
me yesterda3 r that he wants to get a type- 
writer. What is the best kind, do you think ?" 

Temperton (immersed in stock quotations). — 
" I like 'em about 24, with dark -blue eyes." 



Method in her Kiss. 

Bachelor (whom Brown has brought home to 
dinner). — "Does your wife always kiss you, 
Brown, when you return from the office?" 

Brown. — "Yes, always, never fails." 

Bachelor (with a sigh). — "Ah ! it must be 
delightful to have a coz}^ home like this and a 
lovely little wife to greet 3'ou with a kiss !" 

Brown (also with a sigh). — " Yes, she kisses 
me to discover if I have been drinking any- 
thing." 



76 

Didn't Think. 

Mr. Jason. — " A nice fool you made of your- 
self at the sociable last night ! ' ' 

Mrs. Jason.— " Me ! How?" 

Mr. Jason. — "Yes, you. Telling Mrs. 
Chally that her baby looked good enough to 
eat." 

Mrs. Jason. — "Well, what's the matter with 
that?" 

Mr. Jason. — " Oh ! nothing, only you know 
that they start as missionaries to the Cannibal 
Islands next week." 



In Hard I^uck, 

Giles. — " Did De Jinks pay }~ou the V he 
borrowed?" 

Merritt. — " He offered to match me to see 
whether it would be double or quits, I won, ' ' 

Giles. — "You're in luck," 

Merritt. — " I can't see it. He now owes me a 
tenner. ' ' 



Method in his Silence. 

" Bolton told me he had borrowed some 
money from you. I was surprised, because I 
never heard you sa} r anything about it." 

" No ; I still hope to get it back." 



77 

Skipped Belgium. 

* ' I was badly bitten by flies in every country 
in Europe except Belgium. ' ' 
" Have they none there ?" 
" I don't know. I didn't go there." 



Good News, 

Country Editor's Wife.—" How happy you 
seem to-night, Edward. Have you had any 
good luck to-day ?" 

Country Editor.— " Well, I should say I 
had. You can have that silk dress now." 

' ' What has happened ?' ' 

"Farmer Henderson, who hasn't paid for 
his paper for seven years, came in to-day and 
stopped his subscription." 



Hid His JTarU 

" My friend," said a solemn man, " have you 
ever done aught to make the community in 
which you live the better for your living in it ?" 

"I have done much, sir," replied the other 
humbly, "to purify the homes of my fellow- 
beings." 

"Ah!" continued the solemn man with a 
pleased look, " you distribute tracts ?" 

"No, I clean carpets." 



78 

A Pleasant Prospect. 

Blinks (who has moved into the suburbs). ; — 
" Here's an idea. The paper says one of the 
handsomest residences on the Hudson has the 
flower bed laid off with old beer bottles. ' ' 

Mrs. Blinks (doubtfully).— " Well, at a dis- 
tance the effect of the glass borderings might 
be pretty. ' ' 

11 Yes, indeed. I'll order a gross or two from 
Swiebeer & Co. , and when the bottles are empty 
you can have them." 



Too Much Pedestrianism. 

Smith.—' ' Jones, why in the world don't you 
get married?" 

Jones. — " On account of my business. I'm a 
floorwalker, you know, and couldn't stand that 
kind of thing night and day, too." 

Where Tliey met. 

Angry Wife (after a quarrel).— " Seems to 
me we've been married about a hundred years. 
I can't even remember when or where we first 
met." 

Husband (emphatically).— " I can. It was 
at a dinner party, and there were thirteen at 
table." 



79 

A Sad Remembrance. 

Major Stofah. — " I say, Hawkins, what do 
you think of that cigar I gave you ?" 

Hawkins (weakly). — " I don't think of it 
at all. I'm trying to forget it." 



JIarried Rich. 

Gus. — "I hear George has married an 
heiress. He's in clover now, I suppose." 

Dick. — "No; he's working like a horse, 
trying to pay his board at a $40 a week hotel. 
Her father pays hers, and she won't live any- 
where else." 



Real Mean of Brown. 

Smith — "I don't know, but sometimes I'd 
just about as lief die as not. It would save me 
a mighty lot of worry, and I'd never more be 
bothered with bills from the grocer, the butcher, 
or the coal dealer. ' ' 

Brown.—" Especially the coal dealer." 



Use Both Bars. 

Bagley (at the telephone^. —"There's no use 
in talking, Bailey. I can't hear the first word 
you — " 

Bailey (at the other end).— " Why don't you 
fold both your ears around the instrument ?" 



80 

Out. 

Mrs. Gushington (missing her spouse). — 
c Where is the light of my life ?' ' 
Mr. La Conic. — " He's gone out." 



Think. 

' ' Now, sir, if you want a good photograph 
put on a pleasant expression. Think of some- 
thing agreeable. Think of your wife." 

The victim (severely, but without changing 
his pose). — " I have just been divorced, sir." 

" Ah ! is that so ? Well, then, think of .the 
divorce." 



After a Family Scene. 

Bobby. — "Popper, was Solomon a wise 
man?" 

Papa. — " Yes, my son." 

Bobby. — "Then why did he have 600 
wives?" 

Papa. — " I give it up." 



A Milcl Hint. 

Ethel (as the old gentleman enters). — "Well, 
papa, what is it?" 

Old Scroggs. — "Here's an umbrella I've 
brought for George. It looks as if it would rain 
before morning." 



81 

Good Reading:. 

Smith. — u What are you reading, Jones ?" 
Jones. — % ' A novel." 

S. — u Is it interesting?" 
J. — " You bet !" 
S. — " Who is it by?" 
J. — "A young lady." 
S. — "Ah ! Spicy." 



Want It All. 

On the Chicago Express. Passenger (who 
is acquainted with the conductor j. — "Hello, 
Ed ! You look warm — as if you had been 
having some pretty hard work." 

Conductor. — u Yes, I have. I spent twenty 
minutes in the second coach packing hogs. It 
was full of drummers, and every one of 'em had 
four seats apiece and passengers were standing 
in the isle." 



A. Sober Thought. 

Guzzlerre. — " I had an awful fall last night. 
My head hit the flagstone and I saw more stars 
than I ever did before." 

Soberre. — "There's nothing strange about 
that, old boy. There are four more stars on 
the flag than there used to be. ' ' 
6 



82 

The I*ast Straw. 

He had been walking up and down the room 
with the baby for two hours. 

"John," said his wife, from among the pil- 
lows, " you don't look very well of late. I'm 
afraid you don't get exercise enough." 

John laid the baby in the crib with its feet on 
the pillow, and went to sleep. 



Things one would rattier nave left unsaid. 

Scene. — A Concert for the Poor. 

Distinguished Amateur (about to make his 
first appearance in public). — " Oh ! I do feel so 
nervous !" 

Sympathetic Friend. — " Oh ! there's no occa- 
sion to be nervous, my dear fellow. They 
applaud anything' ' 



An Invisible Color. 

Prof. — " Microscopical investigations lead us 
to believe that there are colors too delicate to 
be discerned by the human eye — invisible colors, 
we may call them." 

Student. — " I know the name of one of them, 
sir." 

Prof, (surprised). — " Indeed ! What is it ? ,? 

Student.—" Blind man's buff.'' 



83 

Can't Get Xhere. 

Miss Screeeher, at the piano, is vocally re- 
iterating, "What are the wild waves say- 
ing?" 

Snappy (gloomily). — "It's no use. She 
never can find out . ' ' 

Pappy. — "Why not?" 

Snappy, — " She can't reach the high C" 



Tlie Very Youngest. 

Jones (who is canvassing the Borough). — 
' ' Oh ! what a very charming baby. I've always 
taken such an interest in very young children. 
A-how old is it?" 

Elector's Wife (with pride). — Only just four- 
teen weeks, sir." 

Jones. — "A-and it is your youngest?" 



SSot up in Art, 

Gasley. — "That's not a bad sort of picture 
Brown Madder has in the exhibition this 
season." 

Critick (disgustedly). — "Don't say a word 
about it. His technique is wretched." 

Gasley (doubtfully). — " Is that so? I got on 
to the cows, but I didn't notice the tech- 
nique." 



84 

A Question of Dress. 

Lemuel. — " I tell you men may prate as they 
will about woman's extravagance, but she can 
dress well on a sum that would keep a man 
looking shabby." 

Simcoe (dryly). — " That's true. Now, the 
sum that my wife dresses on keeps me looking 
shabby year in and year out. ' ' 



No Shamming There. 
Bagley. — " I understand your wife is sick ? n 
Bailey. — " Yes, she hasn't spoken a word for 

three days." 

Bagley. — -"By gracious! She must be a 

pretty sick woman !" 



The Old, Old Story Revised. 

Bashful Young Man. — ' ' Ahem —Sally — 

ahem — ' ' 

Sally (encouragingly). — " Well, George ?" 
B. Y. M. — "Sally, do you 'spose your ma 

would be willin' to be my mother-in-law?" 



Squeezed Through. 

George. — " Won't you be mine, dear ?" 
Clara. — "I think I should have to be hard 

pressed, indeed, to take you." 

George (equal to the emergency).—" Oh ! if 

that's all, here goes." 



85 

Experience. 

"Hello, Brown! I hear you have a new 
type- writer. Is she good looking?" 

" Good looking ! Why, man, no. My wife 
selected her !" 

" Why, how did she come to select her?" 

"Well, you see my wife was a type-writer 
herself before I married her." 



Bright Gilded Fame. 

11 Ah ! Iyionol, that poem is beautiful." 

r< Yes, Agatha, it is the crowning effort of 
my life." 

''And, Iyionol — my Iyionol ! it will bring you 
fame, eternal fame, will it not?" 

" Yes, Agatha— and perhaps two dollars." 



The Young Wife Again. 

Giles. — " Your w r ife seems very attentive to 
your wants?" 

Young Husband (with a ghost of a smile). — 
1 ' I told her I wanted some shaving soap last 
night and she went into the kitchen and shaved 
up half a bar." 



Plain. 

She (emphatically). — "I will never marry 
you. Do I make myself plain?" 

He (cruelly). — "Quite unnecessary. Nature 
has done that." 



86 



&£q07*dfikic#l 




Good Scheme. 

If Canada will erect a toboggan slide with 
the top on the Canadian side and the bottom on 
this side of the line, and give our boodlers a 
slide, we will bear the entire cost. 



"Willing: To Take Advice. 

The New York Herald says, "The word 
' pants ' should be annihilated ; every self-re- 
specting person should insist on the use of 
* trousers ' instead. All right — when a dog gets 
warm he trousers." 



87 

F*ew Bioles There. 

A Kentucky gentleman, who recently came 
to Washington to consult with his member of 
Congress about an office under the new admin- 
istration, was asked yesterday by a gentleman 
from Boston whether it is really true that the 
people of Kentucky are so very bibulous. 

" Bibulous !" said the Kentuckian. " Bibu- 
lous ! I don't reckon you could find a dozen 
Bibles in the whole State." 



One Peculiarity. 

Miss Overtherhine (of Cincinnati, at a swell 
entertainment). — "So you think that our so- 
ciety is somewhat queer, Mr. Gotham?" 

Mr. Gotham. — " It has its peculiarities, Miss 
Overtherhine ; for instance, I never ate hot 
sausages in a dress coat before at an evening 
party." 



Plenty of Room, 

After Santa Claus had put a cabinet organ, 
a sealskin sacque, a lap-robe, a box of gloves, 
and a Webster's unabridged dictionary in a 
Chicago girl's stocking, and saw that it wasn't 
half full, he was seen to climb out on the roof, 
sit down on the snow, and weep bitterly." 



88 

No Hope. 

You may hive the stars in a nail keg, hang 
the ocean on a rail fence to dry, put the sky to 
soak in a gourd and unbuckle the bellyband of 
eternity, and let the sun and moon out, but 
don't think you can escape the place that lies 
on the other side of purgatory if you don't pay 
for your paper. 



A Nihilistic Speech. 

' ' I wish it would stop raining, ' ' remarked a 
St. Petersburg gentleman the other day, after 
a week's storm, and a detective promptly 
arrested him for referring to the Czar as ' it. ' ' ' 



Waste of Time. 

Philadelphia Fox Hunter. — ' ' How long does 
it take to get to Chicago ? I've a great mind 
to go to the Chicago meet." 

Ordinary Citizen. — " What's the use? The 
Chicago meat comes to us." 



Hard to Believe. 

Jack. — ''Colonel Kentuckius is dead; did 
you hear it?" 
Jim.—" No ; what did he die of?" 
" Water around the heart." 
" Impossible ! How did it get there ?" 



89 

Waiting: for tne Beer. 

Guest (at a Cincinnati society wedding). — 
" What in the world is the matter, Mrs. Elite ? 
Why don't the ceremony begin ?" 

Hostess. — "Oh! don't ask. It's perfectly 
awful. Our family name will be disgraced." 

' ' Mercy ! Has your daughter eloped with 
some one else, or has the bridegroom deserted 
her at the altar ?" 

" Worse. The beer hasn't come." 



Numismatica. 

"Still collect coins, Mr. Curio ?" 
"Yes. Very complete collection I have, 
too." 

"Have you the Latin Quarter of Paris ?" 

Xoo Much Theory. 

Customer (angrily). — "Look here, Hafton, 
what do you mean by sending me this coal bill 
a second time ? Why, man, I paid that bill a 
month ago, and got a receipt for it !" 

Hafton (consulting the books). — " Um ! Ah ! 
Yes, I see. Well, don't mind that, my dear 
fellow. You see, my son was graduated from 
a business college, and this is some of his double- 
entry bookkeeping. ' ' 



90 

Tar ! Tar ! 

"Yes," said the victim, as he furtively 
picked a few feathers oft* his neck and attempted 
to remove some of the tar from his knees, 
" the excitement rose to a terrible pitch, but it 
soon came down." 

' ' You got some of both the pitch and the 
down, didn't you ?" asked his friend. 

And the quiet that ensued was so deep that 
it couldn't be sounded. 



Journalism fin St. Louis. 

St. Louis may be a sleepy old town, as 
Chicago and Kansas City say it is, but the 
papers are lively. Here is what the Star-Say- 
ings says to the Globe- Democrat : 

"With all your coquetry, you wicked old girl, 
you could summon but three kickers to do your 
bidding in the Convention, and* it's dollars to 
doughnuts that you can't corral two to-day." 



Chicago Pronunciation. 

" Where are you going, Flora ?" 

"I'm on my way to the de-^r-a-tive art 

rooms." 

"Well, look out for the cars. You might be 

run over by the lo-^^-o-tive. ' ' 



91 

A Rebellion in Pronunciation. 

Geronimo is not pronounced Gee-ronimo, but 
Heeronimo, says an exchange. Hood hracious ! 
What is he hiving us ? What a hay and hiddy 
style of talking this henglemen would het us 
into. By hosh, we won't have it. Ho to ! 
Ho to! ' 



A Slow Town. 

Jones. — "Wanamaker fairly owns Philadel- 
phia/' 

Smith. — "H'm. Any live person could do 
that." 



By Hook or toy Crook. 

A beautiful girl in Dubuque 
Fell in love with a pastry cuque, 

And she said with a smile, 

His heart I'll beguile, 
And wed him by huque or by cruque. 



Brain Food. 

" Ah !" sighed a provincial miss visiting a 
Boston cousin, "it's the 'might have been ' 
that awakens sad memories." 

" Rather," replied she to the manner born, 
"it's the might of bean that fills the world 
with envy of our dear old Boston." 



92 

Will Move Anything. 

It is only with the aid of a strong glass that 
the street cars can be seen to move. — Omaha 
Herald. It must be poor liquor, then One 
glass of some New York whisky will make the 
cars move in both directions at once, and fast 
at that. 



Quaker City Complacency. 

New York Tariff. Editor.—" The Philadel- 
phia Record has torn my tariff articles all to 
pieces, and I can't reply to it." 

Editor-in-Chief. — " Well, run in a line about 
Philadelphia being a slow old town, and drop 
the subject." 



Just as Bad. 

Eastern Lady (in Colorado). — " It makes me 
sick to hear some of your Western names. 
The idea of calling a pretty town like this 
< Wagonhead!' " 

Resident. — " It isn't a nice name, and if we 
ever change it I promise to let you know at 
once." 

" I wish you would." 

"Where shall I address you?" 

"Horseheads, N. Y." 



93 

Not Strong Enough, 

Waiter. — ik The customer Fs waitin 1 on says 
the brandy sauce doan taste like it had any 
brandy in !" 

Cook.— "Who is he?" 

4 k Doan know. Western man. ' ' 

1 ' Bring the sauce back and chuck in a little 
sulphuric acid and kerosene oil. ' ' 



An Apt Name for a Town. 

Tombstone, Arizona, is famous for its apt 
names. Its leading newspaper is called the 
Epitaph, and the sheriff of the county is Colonel 
Slaughter. He defeated Major Blood by two 
votes at a recent election. Captain Cutts was 
also a candidate, but was nowhere in the 
race. 



Sweet Confections. 

Customer (in confectionery store). — "Have 
you any kisses?" 

Busy Dealer.—" Yes, sir. Which kind, Balti- 
more or Boston ?" 

I Give me two dozen Boston. ' ' 

II Yes, sir. William two dozen Boston kisses ! 
Don't forget, William, to close the refrigera- 
tor. ' ' 



94 

Nothing Cheap There. 

Philadelphian (in New York). — Have you 
any cheap cab service such as we have in 
Philadelphia ?" 

New Yorker (proudly).— " No ? siree. We 
don't have cheap things in this great me- 
tropolis. By the way, come to think, I just 
paid my rent to-day. Lend me a dime, will 
you?" 

Thfcy I^ifee Quiet. 

Mrs. McHenry. — ''Philadelphia birds, 25 
cents a pound ; Long Island, 20 cents ; Jarseys, 
18 cents.' ' 

Mrs. N. — "Is the Philadelphia article much 
superior?'' 

Mrs. McH. — "Ah! vis mum, it's a foine 
place to raise poultry. Ye see, mum, it do be 
so quiet loike that the creatures are continted 
and plump. ' * 



A Homelike Spot. 

Philadelphian (on a back street in Chicago). — 

"My, my, here are cobble-stones and ash 
barrels and slop cans, and— smells, lots of 'em." 
Wife. — " Yes ; I didn't know these Western 
cities were so civilized."' 



95 

Naming tlie Baby. 

New Yorker. — " I congratulate you on the 
latest acquisition to your family. 3oy or 
girl?" 

Nebraskan.— "Girl." 

New Yorker. — " What's her name to be ?" 

Nebraskan. — "Well, she howls so much 
nights, w 7 e thought we'd call her Cyclonia." 



Used to It. 

' ' I see you have volcanic eruptions in this 
country, too," said the stranger from Hercu- 
laneum, in affright, as he saw a shower of 
bricks, stones, and earth thrown high into the 
air." 

"Oh! no," explained the New Yorker, dodg- 
ing a descending brick. "That was only an 
underground steam pipe exploded. They fre- 
quently occur here, and you'll soon get used to 
them," 



Poor Hating;. 

Lion in New York menagerie (sniffing at 
Gotham newspaper reporter who has just 
entered the cage\ — " Shall we eat him ?" 

Lioness. — " Eat him ? Faugh ! Can't you 
see he's a cigarette smoker?" 



96 

Eminently the KLi ght Man. 

s { What is the next race ?' ' 
"A slow mule race." 

* ' Who is that stranger in the judges' stand ?' ' 
" He's the man they've agreed on for judge. 
He's from Philadelphia." 



War and Peace. 

Philadelphia Veteran. — " My experiences in 
the war were the same as others. At first every 
man shot unnerved me, but after a time they 
could be falling all around me and I was not 
disturbed, so long as I wasn't hit myself." 

Bystander. — "Yes, I knew. It's just like 
living in New York. ' ' 



A Rogue Exposed. 

Winkel (at a reception).— " That English 
Lord is an impostor. He is not even an English- 
man. He's an American." 

Minkel.— "Eh ! How did you find that 
out?" 

Winkel. — " I offered to call for him with my 
carriage to-morrow and take him a little drive 
around the suburbs— Maine, Texas, California, 
etc.— and instead of accepting the offer he 
laughed. ' ' 



97 

Explained. 

Popinjay (in Boston for the first time). — ■ 
" What's that blinding glare of light down the 
street ? Tin shop broke loose ?" 

Blobson. — '* Oh! no. That's only a bevy of 
Boston girls coming home from school. You 
see the sun reflecting from the spectacles. ' ' 



The ^ew Bacon Cipher. 

Mr. Porcine. — "Say, M'randy, who's this 
Ignatius Donnelly I hear s'much about ?" 

Miranda. — "He's a Shakespearian scholar, 
paw. He's going to lecture here next week on 
Bacon." 

Mr. Porcine. — " He can't give us Chicagoians 
any points on bacon. M'randy, he cyan't do 
it." 



All must Go. 

A distinguished Russian named Schouvaloff 
is dead. It is a very sad affair, but sooner or 
later, the best of us will shuffle off. 



ISelg-titoorly, 

Does Buffalo want the earth? — Rochester 

Union. Yes ; all except Rochester. — Buffalo 

Courier. Well, we didn't ask you if you wanted 
heaven. 

7 



98 

Distinctively American, 

New York Belle (in Paris). -" What is the 
name of the proprietor of this hotel ?' ' 

Chaperon. — " 0' Hooligan." 

" Dear me ! That isn't a French name ; it's 
an American name. ' ' 



It's English, You Know. 

Ted Gotham. — Have yon seen the new panto- 
mime, Miss De Beane?" 

Miss De Beane (with hanteur). — ''Pardon 
me, Mr. Gotham. Do you refer to the trousero- 
mime ?" 



Kew Business. 

A change of occupation is thus noticed in the 
local columns of the Sand}' Hill Observer : 

"'Bony' Mosher, the tonsorial artist, will 
soon transform into a mixer of distilled light- 
ning and bug juice." 



W a telling; and Waiting. 

Alderman from New York to Rochester 
ditto. — ' ' I see } T our gold watches are all alike ?" 

" Yes, they were ordered at the same time." 

" How did that happen ?'' 

1 ■ A new paving company started in business 
here just before Christmas." 



99 

Entertaining in Covington. 

The ladies of the Baptist Church were quite 
successful with the chocolate tea last Friday 
evening 



Black Times. 
Nimkins. — " I see our Republican friends in 
Chicago are eating crow. ' ' 

Pimkins. — " So ? What's the caws?" 



How to "Hustl ." 

Housekeeper (in Kansas City), — " I don't 
want nothin' . ' ' 

Peddler. — M I am not axious to sell. I only 
stopped to remark that Chicago, where I've 
been peddlin' , can't hold a candle to Kansas 
City." 

" Don't believe it kin." 

" No, indeed, mum. Chicago is goin' to the 
dogs fast. People there are awful poor, while 
in Kansas City I find everybody is just rollin' 
in wealth, and real estate's a-boomin'. Fast 
trains from Kansas City to New York won't 
stop at Chicago in another year." 

" What have you got to sell ?" 

" Soap. Something new. Only one dollar 
a cake." 

"I'll take two." 



100 

Defendant Won, 

An Alabama man charged with stealing a 
calf made the following statement : "I was 
always teached to be honest, an' most always 
have been, but when I seed the calf I caved. I 
never wanted a calf so bad in all my life, an' 
you all know that when a man wants a calf he 
wants him." 

The jury returned the following verdict : 
4 ' We, this jury, air satisfied that Steve stold the 
calf, but as the feller that owned the animal is 
considerable of a slouch, we agree to clear 
Steve an' make the slouch pay the costs." 



Wanted the Kruit, too. 

Wealthy Lumberman. — " Ah ! Miss Society, 
if you want to see nature at its best you should 
take a trip through the pine woods of the 
North." 

Miss Society. — "Wouldn't it be grand, and I 
do so dote on pineapples." 



Just the Opposite. 

Customer. — " I want a good pair of rubbers. ' ' 
Shoe-dealer. — "Arctics, I suppose?" 
Customer. — "No, I want something real 
warm. I guess about Antarctics." . 



101 

Tfie Chicago Foot. 

Miss Wabash.—" I'm not going to let 
Charlie flirt with that girl. I'm determined to 
put my foot down on it." 

Miss Caustique. — " How cruel you are. That 
would be a crusher. ' ' 

Hayseed. 

Kentucky Constituent. — "How d'ye do, 
Senator. Can't you get me a clerkship under 
the new administration ?" 

Senator. — " I'm afraid not, Major. The fact 
is, you look too seed}'. 

Kentucky Constituent. — "Then maybe I'd 
fit somewhere in the Agricultural Depart- 
ment." 



Beats tlie Nickel in tlie Slot Machine. 

Tourist (to stage driver in the Yellowstone 
region). — " Are there any wonderful curiosities 
to be seen in this region, driver ?" 

Stage Driver. — ' ' Wonderful curiosities J 
Well, I should say there were ! Wh}^, you 
drop a rock down that gorge, come back in 
three days and you can hear the echo." 



102 



| fill ,"$>sn. 






A Doubtful Compliment. 

Minister. — "I understand that you do not 
believe that a person is sufficiently punished on 
earth for his misdeeds?" 

Neighbor. — t ' Oh! } T es. I do now ; but I didn't 
until I heard you preach." 



?{o Chance of Escape. 

Minister (from the pulpit). — "As the air of 
the church seems chilly, I would ask the sexton 
if he will kindly close the front doors and 
windows of the building. The collection will 
now be taken up." 



103 

l»art Accepted. 

Poet. — "I called in, sir, to see about that 
little poem I sent you some time ago." 

Editor. — " The poem has not been published 
yet, sir." 

Poet. — " And the stamps I inclosed with 
it?" 

Editor. — " The stamps were published long 
ago." 



Packing the Missionary Box. 

" Oh ! mercy ! what a big package this is ! 
It's from the rectory. I wonder what Dr. 
Ranter has sent?" 

She opens the package. ''Well, I never! 
Eighteen pairs of worsted slippers, ten book- 
marks, and twenty-three smoking-caps. ' ' 



A Very Intricate Mot, Indeed! 

Aspiring Author. — "I have the manuscript 
of a play which I would like to submit. ' ' 
Managing Editor. — " Has it a good plot ?" 
A. A.—" Good plot ! I should say so ! Why 
(waxing confidential), the plot is so intricate 
that the audience who sees it once will have to 
come every night for a week to find out exactly 
how things turn out." 



104 

More Serious Matters. 

A jolly preacher, who formerly had charge 
at Ephesus, tells a very good story. Meeting 
an acquaintance on the street, the idea struck 
him to do some missionary work on a small 
scale. 

"My friend," he remarked, "do you ever 
think about your sins ?" 

"Why, no," said the other, "I have too 
many serious matters on my mind.'' 

The preacher was good natured enough to 
enjoy the reply. 



Xhe Result. 

Clark. — "I understand, doctor, vhat two 
dentists in your neighborhood have arranged a 
match in their art ?" 

Doctor. — "Yes, I have heard so." 

Clark. — " What do you think the result will 
be?" 

Doctor.— " A draw." 



Rye too. 

A Chicago revivalist says that when a Chi- 
cago man gets knocked out by wheat, he is 
very apt to get knocked out by rye in short 
order. 



105 

ISo Ba*in 011 Sunday. 

A certain politician holding office now in 
Washington conies from Gilead —and he is 
prond of his native town. It is told of him 
that on one occasion a visiting clergyman 
preached in the village church, and during the 
course of his remarks he exclaimed : 

44 Is there no balm in Gilead ?" 

Mr. Blank jumped to his feet at once. 

" Of course there is," he sung out, to the 
horror of the congregation, " but you can't get 
it on Sunday." 

His Snare. 

Pastor. — " Have you given up anything in 
I*ent, Mr. Parish?" 

Mr. P. (with deep feeling). — "Yes, sir. I 
have given up $27 for an Easter bonnet for my 
wife." 



One at a Xitne. 

Miss Flighty. — " Have you decided to take 
any part in the discussion, ' What will we do 
in heaven ?' " 

Good Minister. — " No, miss, I am at present 
much more interested in the question, ' What 
shall we do to get there?' " 



106 

A Rare Chance. 

Doctor's wife. — " My dear, Mrs. Hightongue, 
next door, says her two oldest boys are sick. ' ' 

Doctor. — '.' The ones that are always hooting 
and yelling and fighting in front of the house ?' ' 

%i Yes, and she wants you to come in at once 
and attend them." 

' ' Certainly, certainly. Let me see. What 
did I do with that bottle of arsenic ?" 

Memory System. 

" What is 3 T our business, sir ?" asked a Cam- 
bridge lawyer of a witness. 

' ' I am the practitioner in the new science of 
preserving the memory." 

" But y6u are dressed as a mechanic, and not 
as a professional man." 

"Yes ; I'm a gravestone letterer. ' Sacred to 
the memory,' etc., you know." 



Physician vs. Torturer, 

Mrs. Winks. — " I see Robert Louis Steven- 
son, when not writing, plays the flageolet." 

Mr. Winks. — "Indeed? Then his great 
novel is to a certain extent biographical. He 
is Dr. Jekyll when writing and Mr. Hyde when 
not writing." 



107 

Flowery. 

Young- Reporter. — "The storm king hurled 
his torn and tumbling- torrents over the ruins of 
the broken and dismembered edifice. ' " 

Old Editor.— " What's that? What do you 
mean, young fellow ?" 

Young Reporter. — " I-er-er the flood washed 
away Patrick McDougal's old soap factory.'' 



A Temperance Story. 

Once upon a Time a very good and Pious 
Person saw a Bibulous Man coming out of a 
Saloon in a State of Mild and Melancholy In- 
toxication. 

" Oh ! my Friend," cried the Pious Person, 
" I am very, very Sorry to see you coming out 
of such a Place." 

" Is that so ?" replied the Bibulous Man in a 
Thick and Tearful Voice. "Well, I will go 
right Back Again." And he did so ? leaving 
the Pious Person standing on the sidewalk in 
Great Amazement. 



He Was Humble, 

a I am humble," said the preacher; "airy- 
thing is good enough for me." 

11 1 believe 3 r ou," said the listener. " I have 
heard your sermons." 



108 

Unougfh to Convince Him, 

11 Judge," said the prisoner on trial for 
murder, as he rose to his feet, pale as death, 
trembling in every limb, and holding in his 
hand a copy of a St. Louis paper, " do I look 
like the* portrait printed of me in this news- 
paper?" 

" There is a slight resemblance, prisoner," 
replied the astonished Judge, " though of 
course — ' ' 

1 ' Then there is no use going any further with 
this trial, Judge," groaned the stricken man, 
sinking into his chair, c ' I am guilty. ' ' 



Better Than ^oihing-. 

Minister (to hotel clerk). — " Do you have 
special rates for ministers of the gospel ?" 

Clerk. — ' ' Yes, we have. We make no money 
reduction, but we give their names as * Promi- 
nent Arrivals' to the reporters." 



Xoo Busy Xo Think. 

Mother. — "I am glad to hear you w y ent 
to church to-da} r . What was the sermon 
about?" 

Adult Son fa reporter). — " I don't know, 
mother ; I haven't written out my notes yet. ;> 



109 

A Base Slander. 

Pastor. — " How is your son coming on ? I've 
not seen him lately." 

Parent.— 4 ' Pretty well." 

1 ' I hope he is not showing any signs of be- 
coming fast, as is so frequently the case with 
boys in large cities ?" 

"Fast? Why, Parson, he is a messenger 
boy. Don't slander the poor boy that way." 

" I beg pardon ! Excuse me ! I had no idea 
that he was paralyzed." 



Not Settled Yet. 

Stranger (in the court-room). — "What time 
have you got, please ?" 

Prisoner (at counsel's table). — " I can tell you 
better after the trial." 



Wrong Diagnosis. 

Hotel Proprietor. — " What is the matter with 
that sick gentleman in my office?" 

Physician. — " Jim-jams. ' ' 

"Sir, that gentleman is one of my oldest 
guests, and has the most expensive apartments 
in the house." 

1 ' Oh ! He is suffering from nervous prostra- 
tion." 



110 

Healthy JL,awyers. 

Health journals insist upon reposing on the 
right side only, and claim that it is injurious to 
lie on both sides ; but we don't know where 
they will find a healthier set of men than 
lawyers. 



All Hopes Dashed. 

Champion Sprinter. — "Who is this 'Un- 
known ' who is to race me to morrow ?" 

Trainer. — "All I can learn is that he has 
been doing business in the city and living in 
the suburbs for the last twenty years.' 5 

Champion Sprinter (dej ectedly ) . — " Mercy 
on me ! I'm lost. I can't win in a race with a 
man who has been catching trains for twenty 
years." 



Strictly Business. 

Porter. — "Two gem'men want to see the 
President. ' ' 

Secretary Halford (ex-editor). — "Who are 
they?" 

"One sa} T s he's a journalist, sah, an' the 
other says he's a newspaper man." 

' ' Admit the newspaper man and kick the 
journalist out." 



Ill 

The Certainty of the Eoctors. 

"But, doctor, you said last week that the 

patient would certainly die, and now he is per- 
fectly well. ' ' 

"Madam, the confirmation of my prognosis 
is only a question of time." 



A Victim. 

A young physician was showing a friend a 
recent purchase that he had made in the w r ay 
of a skeleton. " Very interesting, " commented 
his friend. " One of your patients, doctor ?" 



The Right Mace. 

Sick Man.— "Is this the West End Sani- 
tarium ?" 

New Girl (mystified) — "This is Dr. Blank's 
house." 

"Yes, but doesn't he take sick people to 
nurse sometimes ?' ' 

" Oh ! ma3 7 be he does. There's two or three 
skeletons in the back office." 



112 




Drop a Nickel in the Slot, 

I am twenty years of age, measure 5 feet and 
10 inches, and can lift 200 pounds. How much 
do I weigh ? Modkst. 



Always Killed Wit2i Tears. 

What does the poet mean when he refers to 
the widow's " liquid eyes ?" 



Apply at Police Headquarters and Have it 
"Pulled." 

What would you advise me to do with a 

wicked tooth which is robbing me of my sleep ? 

PlTTACUS. 



113 

Send for Prof. J, 1^. Sullivan. 

While I find that marriage is a success, I also 
discover that I have a bouncing boy who is a 
howling failure. Try as I may, I cannot put 
him to sleep. Have you a remedy ? 

WlDE-AwAKB. 



Sure. 

Maud S. has beaten her own trotting, and 
the cow Bomba, before she died, beat her own 
yield of milk. The next rara avis will be a 
hen which shall beat her own eggs. 



An Artist. 

' ' Speaking about the artist who painted fruit 
so naturally that the birds came and pecked at 
it," said the fat reporter, "I drew a hen that 
was so true to life that after the sage threw it 
into the waste basket it laid there. ' ' 



Never. 

A rolling-pin gathers no dough. 



Dreadful. 

A great mam- vessels carry oil now for the 
purpose of stilling the waves, and when a storm 
arises all the ship has to do is castor oil over* 
board. 
8 



114 

A Valuable Glass. 

" How are those hour-glasses ? 1 o they work 
easily? 

" Oh my ! yes. This one is particularly good. 
It ran through in less than fifty minutes yester- 
day.' ' 

See. 

A man who bets is a gambler ! A man who 
don't bet is no bettor ! (better). Where are 
we now ? 



Not tli? Slightest. 

There would be no objection raised against 
any absconding financier settling in Canada, if 
he would first settle in this country. 



Not Kly. 

"Ah !" said the ffy, as it crawled around 
the bottle, "I have passed the hatching age, 
the creeping age, and now I am in the mucil- 
age" — then it stuck. 



Use a Kile. 

My face is covered with pimples, warts, 
freckles, etc. Could you suggest a remedy that 
would give me a clear and smooth complexion ? 

Beauty. 



115 

Queer. 

Hatters assert that the average American 
head is considerably smaller than it was fifty 
years ago. This is strange, considering that 
the average American head is often so much 
larger to-day than it was last night. 



Drink it Witli Your Eye§ Shut. 

How can I swallow my claret when the good 
book says, ' ' Look not upon the wine w r hen it 
is red"? 



Actors. 

What class of men would make the best 
records in a walking match ? 

Foot-Pad. 



Examine our Financial ISews Column. 

Where can I find the most popular quota- 
tions ? Autograph Ai^biim. 



Get on a Step-ladder. 

I want to call a man a liar, but he is two feet 
taller than I am. How shall I go about it ? 

Midget. 



High Tide. 

It is said that mermaids tie up their hair with 
a marine band. 



116 

Scalped toy the Indians. 

I am an army officer and have no hair on the 
top of my head. I want to appear romantic 
when the ladies ask me how I lost my top-knot. 
What shall I say ? Rktrkat. 



A Discovery, 

1 ' I had no idea that Meissonier was such an 
old man." 

"Why?" 

"Why this is marked ' Friedland, 1807/ 
That is eighty-two years ago, and no small boy 
painted that !" 

Very Seasonable. 

" What do 3^ou call that act ?" said the bass- 
singer to the acrobat. 

"Oh! that's merely a backward spring," 
answered the acrobat. 

" Ah !" said the bass-singer ; "if I should 
try there' d be an early fall, eh? Let's go and 
have a summer ?" 

"A what?" 

"A summer, more than one swallow, you 
know." 

And then, as the Irishman said, they winter 
way together. 



117 

A Natural Conclusion. 

It has been discovered that kisses — love 
kisses, we mean— are full of electricity. Now 
we know why old maids have always described 
them as shocking. 



Way BacK, 

The use of electricity for lighting purposes is 
older than most people think. It w^as Noah 
who first made use of the ark light. 



Time. 

" I'd send him that clock for a present," said 
the bridegroom's friend, sadly, " only it won't 
go." 



It IS. 

It is a wise child that goes out of the room 
to laugh when the old man mashes his thumb. 

To a Buckwheat Cake. 

Fare thee well, thou thing of batter, 
Gone are all thy charms for me. 

Spring is here — that's what's the matter, 
Hump thyself, skedaddle, flee ! 



Ne\er! 

The man who keeps on the even tenor of his 
way never gets off his bass. 



118 

A Fact. 

The most unpleasant constellation to see of a 
winter's night is the grate bare. 



Wing;s in the Way, 

"I declare," said Noah, as he wiped the 
perspiration from his brow, " we're going to be 
cramped for room ! I don't know where we 
are going to put all these animals." 

"Boss," suggested the elephant and the 
mastodon, both of whom were switching their 
tails viciously, "why not leave out the flies 
and the mosquitoes ? They take up more room 
than we do." 



Question? 

If a' boy and a half eat a green apple and a 
half in a minute and a half, how will they feel 
in an hour and a half? 



Something !New. 

A patch on a boy's trousers is something new 
under the sun. 



Great Kaith. 

We print an advertisement this morning for 
a lost umbrella. Brethren, if we had the faith 
of that advertiser we could die satisfied. 



119 

Hard oil Brother. 

A miser died a few days ago. After careful 
investigation his trustees find he once gave 
something away. In the giddy frivolity of his 
early youth, he gave the measles to his 
younger brother. This fact is to be handed 
down to posterity in brass letters on his tomb- 
stone. 



And a Rare Turn. 

Don't be ashamed to turn an honest penny. 
It may be a rare date. 



Kirst Joys. 

A man named Dory has just named his first 
infant Hunky. When he has eight or ten of 
them he won't think the name so appropriate. 



Song: of May. 

Of all the dirty families 

In this big world of sin, 
The dirtiest has just moved out 

Of the house you've just moved in. 



An Kternal Growler. 

Optimist. — " Pleasant weather — overhead." 
Pessimist. — " Ya-a-s. Trouble is so few people 
going that way. ' ' 



120 

Moonshine. 

Smart Alick. — " It is curious ; a half moon is 

heavier than a full one." 

Gentle Delia.— 4 ' Why, how is that?" 

S. A.— " The full moon is the lightest, isn't 

it?" 




121 



L___J 2**~7 

/-&. <$m 2%Ts 

MmmwM 



No Cause for Complaint, 

Cobwigger. — "It is scandalous for you to 
adulterate your milk with water in this way." 

Milkman. — "Tut, tut, my friend. You 
should be grateful to me for only using water, 
some of the other fellows put in chalk and 
heaven knows what. ' ' 



Give us Del's, 

You can get a first-class dinner in Norway 
for twenty-five cents, but the cost of transporta- 
tion from here to Norway adds so much to the 
grand total that it is really cheaper to dine at 
Delmonico's. 



122 

Hard Winter, 

" Waiter, said a gentleman in the dining- 
car, ' ' have you any gooseberry pie ?' ' 

4 'No, sah ; hain't carryin' any dis year, 
sah." 

"Why is that?" 

" Well, you see, sah, dey's scace dis seasum. 
Las' winter was so cole and stormy dat it wus 
mighty tough on de geese." 



A Dish to Order. 

Young Man (in coffee- and-cake restaurant). — 
" Aw-have you finger-bowls, waiter ?" 

Waiter. — " Yes, sir ; but we don't have very 
many calls for them." 

Young Man. — " Aw-well-bring me one, 
please." 

Waiter. — "Ay, ay, sir. (Vociferously.) One 
wash-basin, with a slice of yellow digester on 
the inside." 



At Our Boarding-House. 

i ' Mr. Bronson must have failed to pay his 
bill this week." 

" Why do you think that ?" 

"Why, didn't you notice Mrs. Thompkins 
gave him the neck of the turkey at dinner ?" 



123 

A Good Order* 

Young Man (in Park Row coffee- and- cake 
saloon). — "Waiter, I want a beefsteak, un- 
peeled potatoes, and a couple of eggs fried on 
one side only." 

Waiter (vociferously). — "Slaughter in the 
pan," " a Murphy with his coat on," an' " two 
white wings with the sunny side up !" 

Not as it Was. 

Guest to Landlord.— " Mr. Landlord, the 
box with toothpicks stands again not upon 
the table." 

Landlord. — " Toothpicks there are with me 
no more. ' ' 

Guest— "Why them not?" 

Landlord. — "Know you, in former times, 
then were the guests so cultured, and stuck the 
toothpicks, after use, again in the box. But 
nowadays takes every man one with him. So 
much the business can't afford." 



A Case of Indigestion* 

" Hello, Moses, wot'sde matter wid ye ?" 

11 Indigestion." 

" How's dat?" 

" Hain't had nuthin' to digest lately/' 



124 

Our Boarding-House, 
New Boarder (who is dressing). — "I say, 
neighbor, what is that wailing, shrieking, curs- 
ing, and sobbing I hear going on down- 
stairs?" 

Old Boarder (dressing and beginning to 
yell ). — " Heavens ! those are the other boarders 
gone down before us." 

New Boarder. — " Well, what does it mean ?" 
Old Boarder. — "It means ham and eggs 
again ! ' ' 

Attempts to hang himself from the chandelier 
with his cravat. 



^Jew Version of the Butter Joke* 

New Boarder. — "Will you pass the butter, 
please ?" 

Old Boarder. — " Every time. Haven't inter- 
cepted it in four months. You'll pass it when 
you get acquainted with it. ' ' 



Careful of his Health. 

"Will you have a piece of nry pie, Mr, 
Robinson?" 

" Did the doctor say I must ?" asked the in- 
valid, meekly. And the landlady refused to 
answer. 



125 

At tlie Table d'Hote. 

First Epicurian.— " Will you kindly pass 
the old cheese ?" 

Second ditto. — "Just wait one moment ; it is 
coming this way. ' ' 

A Tedious Wait, 

Sojourner (at country tavern).— " Madam, I 
am in great haste and very hungry. Can you 
get me up a couple of fried eggs ?" 

Landlady. — ' l Yes, sir. ' ' 

Sojourner (after long waiting).— " It's some 
time since I ordered those eggs, madam." 

Landlady. — " Drat them hens ! Jeff, go out 
tc the barn and stir 'em up." 



No Use For It, 

Mrs. Slimdiet. — "Have some of the soup, 
sir?" 

Experienced Boarder. — " No, thank you, I 
am not thirsty." 



A Terriole Warning. 

Hotel Proprietor. — " I will send the refresh- 
ments up, sir, by the dumb-waiter." 

Guest. — "All right ; and let me tell you if 
he isn't here within fifteen minutes he will wish 
he was deaf as well as dumb. ' ' 



126 

He Was Particular. 

Countryman. — "How's your cook, good? 
Can he make good terrapin soup ?" 

Waiter.— 4 ' Certainly, the best in the land." 

" Do you keep good wines ?" 

" Only the finest brands." 

" Well, yer kin bring me some oatmeal and 
milk, and say — jest wrap me up a couple of 
bones in a paper for the dorg, will yer ?' ' ' 



A I^ucfcy Coincidence. 

Boarding- House Keeper. — " Cutlets, you 
may bring me j ust one-half the usual amount 
of meat until further notice." 

Cutlets. — "Indeed! Have any of your 
boarders left?" 

Boarding -House Keeper. — " No ; but the 
three biggest eaters have fallen in love." 



A Reception to Notiility. 

British Tourist (in Park Row restaurant). — 
" Waitah, you may bring me oystah-cwabs 
dipped in oil, terwapin wagout, Swiss bwead 
and a pint of Yellow Label !" 

The Waiter (with an excess of veneration). — 
" Say, Jimmy, tell der speelers ter strike up 
' God Save d r Queen.' D r Prince 'f Wales is 
came 1" 



127 

In the Potage, 

Lady. — "Biddy, have you seen the little 
stuffed bird I had in my bonnet?" 

Biddy. — " Yis, mum ; I put it in the soup to 
make it a little richer. ' ' 



The Stake She Made. 

Merritt. — " I hear your wife made a stake ?" 
Brown. — " Yes ; made it tender for breakfast 

with the hatchet." 



Sure. 

Customer. — "Say, waiter, this shad tastes 
very fish}'.'' 

Waiter. — "Yes, sah ; shads is fish, sah." 



Gave it Away. 

Guest. — " You were a long while bringing 
me this wine/' 

Waiter. — " Couldn't help it, sir. The pro- 
prietor had a terrible job hunting for the cob- 
webs." 



'Went Out to Meals. 

Stranger (to cashier in restaurant). — " Is the 
proprietor in ?" 

Cashier. — u No, sir ; he has just gone out to 
get something to eat. Back in a few minutes, 
sir." 



128 




It Died. 

"Hair dyed, boss?" 

' ' Yes ; it died nigh on to twenty years ago, 
'cept that leetle fringe round ther crown, an' it 
don't seem ter grow much less." 



Got L,eft. 

Popinjay. — " Blobson, you ought to be con- 
siderable of a scholar, seeing you have sent two 
boys to college. Can you tell me the origin of 
the phrase, ' Great cry and little wool ?' ' 

Blobson. — " Certainly. It is an Indian phrase, 
and originated when the sons of the forest first 
tried to scalp a bald-headed settler." 



129 

A Bald Man's View Of It. 

Feeble minded men always have luxuriant 
suits of hair. 



Everlasting Chin, 

Boggs. — "I understand you have changed 
your barber?" 

Biggs.— "Yes, I couldn't stand the old one. 
Why, only last week they had him out on 
Fourth Street to shave a corpse, and he tried to 
start a conversation on the tariff." 



Didn't Want Any. 

Barber (to bald-headed customer). — "Ah! 
Mr. Jones, you ought to try some of Prof. In- 
vigorator's hair restorer. It's — " 

Customer. — "But I don't want any hair." 

Barber (in astonishment). — " Don't want an3 7 
hair?" 

Customer. — " No. I'm married." 



Steady. 

Go away from a city and stay tw r enty years 
and when you return you will see the same 
bald-headed man playing double bass in a 
theatre orchestra. It shows that while rapid 
changes may be going on the orchestra leader 
does not frequently change his base. 



130 

Red Hot. 

There is a man in Chicago who becomes red- 
headed whenever he is angry. He is entirely 
bald. 



Great Capacity. 

The bald-headed man may not earn any more 
bread than the rest of us, but with his vast 
glacial-period brow he could sweat for a whole 
family. 



Reassuring-. 

Stranger. — " Zum Donner wetter, now you 
have cut my chin a second time. If you 'can't 
shave better than that you will lose all your 
customers pretty quick." 

Barber's Apprentice. — "Not at all ! I am 
not allowed to shave the regular customers yet ; 
I only shave strangers !" 

Few Swallows. 

Doctor. — " My poor man ! You seem to be in 
a sad condition, indeed. What is your trouble ?' ' 

Cadaverous Individual. — "Difficulty in swal- 
lowing. ' ' 

Doctor. — " Does it seem to be due to con- 
traction of the throat?" 

Cadaverous Individual. — "No, it's due to 
not having anything to swallow." 



131 

Has His Kavorite Brand. 

Tramp. — "'Excuse me, sir, will you please 
put up the price of a drink ?" 

Gentleman. — " Certainly, my good fellow, 
I'm just going in here after one for myself and 
you can join me." 

Tramp. — "You are very kind, but if it's all 
the same to you I'd prefer the money. You see 
I've got a regular place where I know the 
booze, and it makes me nervous to sample 
strange liquor." 



Very Ancient. 

" I thought that joke of mine was rather a 
good one," said the comedian, c< but the author 
said it was far-fetched. I wonder what he 
meant?" 

"Far-fetched," echoed the manager; "I 
suppose he meant Noah brought it over with 
him in the ark." 

Washington Mannerisms. 

"You aint got a monkey wrench around 
here anywhere, have you ?" 
"No. Why?" 
" I'd like to put on my hat before I go out on 

the street. ! ' 



132 

Way Up. 

Man at the theatre box-office. 

1 ' Have you any front seats in the upper gal- 
lery?" 

" Yes, sir." 

" How high is that above the parquet?" 

" About seventy feet." 

' ' Do you think I could see over the millinery 
down-stairs?" 

"I think so." 

" Gimme two." 



A Scat) Shovel. 

Mrs. Pemmican. — "Now, since I've given 
you something to eat you can take this shovel 
and clean off my sidewalk. ' ' 

Childe Vittles (a tramp). — "Beg pardon, 
ma'am ; but I see that shovel was made by a 
non-union firm, and my sentiments regarding 
the dignity of labor won't permit me to handle 
it." 



Mr. Hatfield. 

A London cabman called out after a smart, 
dapper little gentleman who affects particularly 
large hats, ' ' Come out of that hat, will yer ? I 
knows yer in it, 'cos I sees yer feet." 



183 

He Wanted Repose. 

Tramp. — " Say, mister, kin ye gimme two 
cents to get over to Brooklyn ?" 

De Peyster. — " What do you want to go over 
therefor?" 

Tramp. — "Well, mister, it's just this: I 
suppose I've got to sleep all night in the streets, 
but I'd prefer to do it in a quiet town, any- 
way P 



He l^ost the l»lace. 

Employer. — " You say that your habits are 
all correct?" 

Applicant. — "Yes, sir." 

Employer (after a moment's pause). — "Do 
you drink?" 

Applicant (absent minded) . — ' ' Thanks ; 
don't care if I do." 



A Needless Question. 

Great Lawyer. — "I cannot manage a case 
unless I know all the facts. You must tell me 
truly whether you are guilty or not." 

"Accused Party (scornfully), — ' ' D'ye s'pose 
I'd be consarned fool enough ter want ter hire 
a high priced lawyer like you if I was inno- 
cent?" 



134 

A. Hollow Device. 

He suffered from drouth as the curtain went 

down, 
But his thirst soon was quenched without 

causing a frown ; 
For the cane in his mouth held as much as a 

can — 
/Vnd he climbed over no one to "go see a 

man." 



A Beggar to toe Pitied. 

Scene. — A lonely spot on a dark night. 

* ' Would the gentleman be so kind as to assist 
& poor man ? Besides this revolver, I have 
nothing in this wide world. >y 



The Season Not Closed. 

First Old Man. — " Hello, have you closed ?" 
Comedian. — " Not at all. We go out again." 
F. O. M.— " When?" 
, Comedian. — u Next September." 



His Excuse. 

Lady (to drunken beggar). — "Are you not 
ashamed to beg?" 

D. B. — "Yes, ma'am, but I'm full; when 
I'm sober I'm a burglar." 



A Mere Conjecture. 

Bill. — " What's all this talk about the French 
copper collapse ?" 

Tom. — " Oh ! I guess some of the jon darmes 
over there got punched in the stomach." 



Following: the Style. 

A fashionable lady, meeting a beggar in the 
street and being touched by his tale of woe, 
handed him her card, saying, "That is where 
I live. If you will come to that address I will 
give you some clothes." 

The beggar, however, did not put in an ap- 
pearance, but in a few da} r s the lady met him 
again and inquired why he had not come. 
Taking the card out of his dirty pocket, and 
with a deprecatory smile, he answered: "Be- 
cause, madam, I note you have on your card 
' Thursdays.' '' 



136 




A New Disease, 

Conversation actually overhead on a street 
car : 

" An' how is your frind Mrs. O'Brien, Mrs. 
Mulcahy ?" 

" Sure, it's a bad way she's in, Mrs. Finu- 
cane ! Sufferin' day and night, and no hope 
from the docthers, for the disayse is fattile, so 
they say ?" 

" An' what is the disayse, Mrs. Mulcahy ?" 

" Ulstars in the stomach, Mrs. Finucane." 



137 

Too Clieap. 

" Veil," said Mr. Isaacstein to his clerk, as 
he took off his coat, " how vo.s peezuess vile I 
vas oud. ' ' 

"I sold a two-dollar pistol," replied the 
clerk. 

" Dot vas goot, Jacob— goot." 

" De shentleman vanted it to blow his brains 
oud," continued Jacob. 

" Oh !" said Mr. Isaacstein, dubiously, " dot 
vos bad, very bad. He vould haf paid five 
tollars." 



**o Use For It. # 

Pawnbroker. — ''This is a very fine alarm 
clock, sir, and I am sorry to say I cannot ad- 
vance you a tenth of its value." 

Citizen. — " Never mind. It will be no further 
use to me. There are twins in the house." 



In Combination, 

Old Mr. Bentley.— " I see that the two per- 
forated-seat chair manufactories in this town 
have consolidated and will hereafter do their 
work conjointly. ' ' 

Old Mrs. Bentley. — " Yes, I s'pose one of 'em 
will make the seats and the other on 'em will 
make the holes. ' ' 



138 

£*o Time for Foolishness. 

Dealer (to countryman looking at clocks). — 
" Now there's something unique in the way of 
clocks, sir. When the hour begins, a bird 
comes out from the top and sings ' Cuckoo. ' 
For instance, I turn this hand to three o'clock, 
and now the bird comes out and sings ' Cuckoo ' 
three times." 

Countryman (enthusiastically to wife). — 
" By gum, Mariar, don't that beat all !" 

Wife. — "That kind o' clock may do fur 
people who've got lots o' time, but it'd take 
me half the forenoon every day to look after 
the bird." 



City Methods. 

Mrs. Homespun had been on a visit to the 
Jenkinses who lived in the city. On returning 
home she was asked — 

" And how did } t ou find Mis' Jenkins?" 
" Oh !" she replied, "they've got a nice house 
and lots of fine furniture ; but they're awfully 
stived up. They've not got any place out- 
doors to hang their washing ; leastwise I sus- 
picion the}^ haven't, or they wouldn't have 
towels hung to dry on their best chairs right in 
the parlor. ' ' 



139 

In the Chinese Sunday-School. 

Teacher. — ".How many are four and four?" 

(No answer.) 

Teacher. — " If man brings you four collars, 
another man brings you four collars, how many 
collars?" 

Pupil (promptly). — " Sixtleen centee !" 



How Xheir I^isjhts Shone. 

" L,et your light so shine, etc.," said the min- 
ister, as the plates were passed about the 
church. 

"John," said Mrs. Fairfax, " what made you 
put two dollars on the plate ?" (This was after 
church.) 

"Old Jones, the gas man, threw down a 
dollar bill, and my electric light is twice as 
good as his gas any day in the week." 



Afraid He Had 'em Again. 

Mr. Rambo (at dime museum, in great 

alarm). — " Nancy, do you see anything in that 

cage near the monke}^ ?" 

Mrs. Rambo. — "Yes, there's a lot of snakes." 
Mr. Rambo (with recovered self-possession) . — 

"So they are. Fine specimens, too, aren't 

they?" 



140 

Pigeon Knglisn Unnecessary, 

Customer (who has left his bundle of wash- 
ing and received a check from ftie Chinaman in 
exchange). — " Li- tee nam-eeon-ee back-ee." 

Wun Lung. — ''It's not at all necessary. 
Bring the receipt on your return, ' ' 



An Investigating; Mind. 

Mrs. Hayseed (at the big city hotel). — 
* ' They is awfully attentive at this tavern, aint 
they?" 

Mr. Hayseed. — "Yes, siree ; tl^'re bound 
to give us the worth of our money, I guess. 
Them errand boys has been in a dozen times in 
the last half-hour to see if we wanted anything. 
What are } t ou working at there, Marier." 

Mrs. Hayseed. — " I've been tryin' fer the 
last half-hour ter see what this ere button in 
the wall is for." 



What She Aslten For. 

Mrs. O' Flaherty. — " Have yez an}' tin quart 
pails, Misther Doogan?" 

Mr. Doogan.— ' No, Mrs. O'Flaherty, but Oi 
have plinty av the wan quart pails." 

Mrs. O' Flaherty. — " An' that's what Oi axed 
yez for, Misther Doogan." 



141 

Prohibition Cane. 

1 ' So you are running a Prohibition paper in 
Iowa now ?" 

' ' Yes, and doing well. See this cane ? It 
was presented to me by the local Prohibition 
club?" 

4 'It's a beauty." 

' ' You bet it is, and it holds a pint. ' ' 



Mind Over matter, 

"I'segoin' to leave you nex' week, Mistah 
Crimple ; I carn't run an elevatohr no mo'." 
" Why, Tom, that's not hard work." 
"Too hard fo' an old man, Mistah Crimple. 
De man tole me de odder day dat elevatohr 
alone weighed free t'ousand pounds, an' dat's 
too much fo' an ole man like me to be liftin' all 
day." 



Hard to Handle. 

Citizen. — " What' 11 you charge me, Uncle 
Rastus, to cart away that pile of stone ?" 
Uncle Rastus. — " 'Bout two dollars, sah.' 
Citizen.-^" Isn't that very high ?" 
Uncle Rastus. — "Yes, sah, jes fo' cartin' 
away de stone, but I got ter hire a man to he'p 
harness de mule. ' ' 



142 

He Wasn't an Klocutionist. 

" Unc' Jos, yo' read music?" 
"No, sah ; I plays it. I hain't no elocu- 
tionary, I hain't, I's a musikan." 



Catching an Heiress. 

Citizen. — "So that is the woman you're 
going to marry, is it, Uncle Rastus?" 

Uncle Rastus. — " Yes, sah ; dat's am de lady. 
She yain't much to look at." 

Citizen. — " Well, no, not very much, Uncle 
Rastus." 

Uncle Rastus. — " But shehab got fohty-seben 
dollahs in de bank, boss, an' she hab promised 
ter gib me de power ob attorney-generalship. 



Too Confident. 

Judge. — "You are charged with stealing 
chickens.' ' 

Uncle Alek. — " Yes, boss, dat's so. I did it. 
I can swar to dat. Jess what I did, suah." 

Judge. — "Ten dollars and thirty days." 

Uncle Alek.— "What's dat, boss? What 
kind o' laws you got ? When a feller turns 
State ebidence don't you lef him go free ? Neber 
turn State's ebidence as long as I lib. Now, 
you mind dat !" 



143 

A Veteran. 

Mendicant. — " Charity for a poor old soldier, 
sir?" 

Gentleman. — " But you are a great, strong, 
able-bodied uninjured fellow. Why don't you 
go to work ?" 

Mendicant. — " Ah! sir, I am incapacitated for 
labor of any kind. I carry six bullets in the 
jugular vein, and was twice mortally wounded 
at Gettysburg !" 



Should Call at the Proper Time. 

Butcher's Boy (with a bill, to servant). — " Is 
Mrs, Montmorenci at home ?" 

Servant. — " Shure she's not ; don't yez know 
that she's only at ' home ' on Chewsdays and 
Thoorsdays?" 



A Great Scheme. 

Citizen. — " Well, Uncle Rastus, how are you 
getting on in the grocery business ?" 

Uncle Rastus. — " Why, I guess de boss am 
very much pleased with me. De fust time I 
came into the sto' I took down the sign ' No 
trouble to show goods,' and institooted in its 
place, ' No trouble to receipt bills,' an' I declar' 
de boss give me a plug o' tobacco." 



144 

Whims of Fashion, 

French Nursemaid.— " An' how-ski are y( 
gittin'-ski along now, Mary, me jewel-ski?" 

Maty. — "Sure Oi'm doin' foine. But phat 
fer language is that y'r spakin' ?" 

" It's Rooshan, Mary. Rooshan nursemaids 
is in fashion now, and it's practisin' fer a new 
place Oi am. French maids is out av sthoyl." 



Transferable. 

" Mary, I should be delighted had I as much 
hair as you. ' ' 

"Waal, mum, yez can borry it any toime yez 
loike." 



A Case of Conscience. 

Plushley. — " Maria, me dear, you seem to ate 
nothing. What's the matther ?' ' 

Maria. — " Faix, Plushley, it's Friday, an' I 
can't make up me mind if tarrypin stew's fish 
whin it's made of veal." 



That Was ^Sot His Profession. 

Mr. Van Stine. — " Your friend who has just 
left us seems quite a pessimist, Miss Jones." 

Miss Jones. — "Oh! no; Mr. Wabash is an 
oculist, and they do say one of the finest in the 
city. ' ' 



145 

A Heavy Trial. 

Gentleman (to village cobbler).— " What's 
that yellow powder you're taking so constantly, 
my friend ?" 

Cobbler. — " It's snuff- catarrh snuff." 

Gentleman.— " Is it any good? I'm some- 
what troubled that way myself. ' ' 

Cobbler (with the air of a man who could say 
more if he chose >.— " Well, I've had catarrh 
for more'n thirty years, an' I've never took 
nothin' fer it but this." 



No Cat Needed. 

Bridget. — "Sure, now, yez don't mane ter 
say yer living in a family phere there aint no 
cat. Who kin you blame things on ?" 

Ann.— "ThechilderV 

"Oh ! it'sfoolin' ye are." 

" They aren't her ow r n childer' ; they're the 
master's." 



At a Smoking Concert. 

Herr Professor. — "You haf a remargaply 
bow r erful foice, my vrent !" 

Basso. — ' ' Do you think it w 7 ill fill St. James's 
Hall?" 

Herr Professor.— " Fill St. Chames's Hall? 
Ach, my vrent, it will not only fill St. Chames's 
Hall— it vill empty it !" 



146 

Modern Improvements, 
Nervous Citizen. — "Hi, there, move on! 

We don't want any of your music here." 
Organ Grinder. — "Alia right, signor. Just 

droppa nickel here and see me go." 



A New Vehicle. 

"Yes," said Mrs. Spriggins, "he was very- 
kind ; he sent his cafe au lait around to drive 
us through the Park." 

Mrs. Spriggins is thought to have meant 
cabriolet. 



Getting; There. 

" How old are you, Sambo ?" 
" Well, sah, I's goin' on er hundred } T eahs." 
' ' Indeed ! Is it possible ?' ' 
"Yes, sah, but I'se got quite er little wa} T s 
furder to go yet. ' ' 



A Satisfactory Answer. 

Mrs. Newma. — "Now tell me, Mrs. Barkins, 
do you believe in one cow's milk for the baby ?' ' 

Mrs. Barkins. — "Waal, that depends on the 
child. Efhe'sagood, strong, healthy baby, 
and wants it, I'd give him two cows' milk, but, 
sakes alive, it 'pears as if any ordinary baby 
oughtn't t' want more'n one cow could fur- 
nish." 



147 

Ambition Failed. 

Farmer's Wife. — " Well. Joshua, did you get 
things fixed to turn our house into a summer 
an' health resort?" 

Farmer. — " I'm afraid the plan won't work, 
Miranda. I went to Saratogy and two or three 
places, an' I found out we can't have no health 
resort without spilin' our well water so the 
cattle can't drink it." 



Too Cheap to Pass for Gold. 

Artie (showdng his watch to his Jersey 
aunt). — " I bought that case for eighteen 
carats. 

Aunt Maria. — " You don't say ! An' carrots 
is only 60 cents a bushel, too. Dear, dear, dear ! 
Artie, if you hadn't told me I'd a-thought it 
was pure gold. ' ' 



Waiting: to toe Ousted. 

" Why, Norah, how r dusty the chairs are !" 
1 ' Yes, mim. There's nobody sat on thim this 



An Open Countenance. 

"Begorra," said an Irishman, as he saw an 
alligator for the first time, "if that crather was 
to shmoile, shure an' he'd split him silf into two 
halves." 



Hand-Book of Pronunciation 

BY JOHN H. BECHTEL 

Author of ''Practical Synonyms," "Temperance Selections," etc. 

Cloth Binding 50 Cents 

SOME books are made : others grow. This work 
is the outgrowth of fifteen years of practical 
experience in teaching orthoepy. It contains over 
five thousand carefully selected words of difficult 
pronunciation alphabetically arranged. A close 
observation of the faults and peculiarities of pronun- 
ciation of public readers, lecturers, clergymen, and 
all other classes, has enabled the author to collate 
and present such words as are most liable to be 
mispronounced. In addition to the copious lists of 
words of ordinary use, many geographical, bio- 
graphical, historical, mythological, scientific, and 
technical terms of difficult 'pronunciation are given. 
Foreign words in frequent use but not yet anglicized 
are distinguished by a difference in type. 

Two forms of pronunciation are given. The first 
employs as few diacritical marks as possible, and is 
designed for those to whom such marks are a stum- 
bling block instead of a help. The second is a close 
phonetic analysis of the word, in which every vowel 
is marked, every necessary sign employed, every 
silent letter omitted, and every accent, primary and 
secondary, carefully noted. 

Sold by all booksellers or sent, prepaid, upon 
receipt of price. 

THE PENN PUBLISHING COMPANY 

1020 Arch Street, Philadelphia 



QUOTATIONS 

BY AGNES H. MORTON, B. O. 

Author of " Etiquette," " Correspondence," Etc. 
Cloth Binding 50 Cents 

THIS volume is a clever compilation of pithy quo- 
tations, selected ¥ rom a great variety of sources, 
and alphabetically arranged according to the senti- 
ment or the most striking word. An important 
division of the book is the " characteristic lines from 
well-known authors. " In it are hundreds of familiar 
sayings of widely-varying application, accredited to 
their original sources. The reliable tracing of 
authorship, which characterizes this volume, is one 
of its most noticeable and satisfactory features. 

No single volume cart contain all the "bright 
ideas " that might be gathered, but it is believed no 
other book of similar size represents so large a 
variety in authors and themes as are here presented. 
It contains all the familiar and popular quotations in 
current use, together with many rare bits of prose 
and verse not generally found in similar collections. 

It is invaluable to students of literature and to all 
persons having occasion to use such a handy manual 
as this will prove to be. 

Sold by all booksellers or sent, prepaid, upon 
receipt of price. 

THE PENN PUBLISHING COMPANY 

1020 Arch Street, Philadelphia 



- 



PUNCTUATION 

BY 

PAUL ALLARDYCE 

Cloth Binding 50 Cents 

IN this practical commercial age, with its directness 
of statement and simplicity of expression, the 
matter of Punctuation would seem of less impor- 
tance than formerly, but such is not the case, for, 
as a matter of fact, the rapid rush of modern life is 
attended with such a carelessness of sentential 
structure that its study is rendered all the more 
necessary and urgent in consequence. 

This volume is the most practical, concise, and 
comprehensive book on the subject. The rules, 
which are clearly stated, are followed with numer- 
ous practical illustrations, thus furnishing a complete 
exposition of this much neglected study. The 
author, who is everywhere recognized as authority 
upon the subject, has made what is usually a very 
uninteresting theme so attractive that there is not a 
dry or tedious page in the book. 

Its value appeals, not alone to the author or corre- 
spondent, but to every intelligent person who has 
occasion to write even the briefest social or business 
note, and it is therefore universally invaluable and 
a volume that should be in every writing desk or 
library. 

Sold by all booksellers or sent, prepaid upon 
receipt of price. 

THE PENN PUBLISHING COMPANY 

1020 Arch Street, Philadelphia 



Practical Synonyms 



John H. Bechtel 

Author of " Handbook of Pronunciation," 

"Temperance Selections," Etc. 

Cloth Binding 50 Cents 

YOUR portrait is the representation of your physi- 
cal being ; your words are the transcript of 
your mind. 

The portrait and the words are alike valued in 
just so far as they are the true expression of that 
for which they stand. 

We may not all be painters or sculptors, but we 
may all become artists in words. In the language 
of the world's greatest word artist, " 'tis a con- 
summation devoutly to be wished." 

This volume will contribute largely to that end. 
Avoiding the tedious prolixity of the more scholarly 
works on the one hand, and the more fatal mistake 
of an insufficiency of related words on the other, 
"Practical Synonyms" will be found to meet the 
wants of the busy merchant or lawyer, the 
thoughtful clergyman or teacher, and the wide- 
awake school boy or girl who is ambitious to 
express the thoughts of the mind in more fitting 
phrase than the crude slang that too often forms 
their sole verbal capital. 

Sold by all booksellers, or mailed, upon receipt of 
price. 

THE PENN PUBLISHING COMPANY 

1020 Arch Street, Philadelphia 



ETIQUETTE 

BY AGNES H. MORTON, B. O. 

Author of " Correspondence," " Quotations," etc. 
Cloth Binding 50 Cents 

SOME manuals of etiquette treat almost exclu- 
sively of " state occasions. " Their instructions 
are chiefly such as only people of large wealth and 
abundant leisure have any occasion to follow, and 
are of little more value than a fairy story in guiding 
the daily conduct of the average social circle. 

Another class of etiquette books is the common- 
place compilation of sundry rules, often illiterate in 
style, and of doubtful authority. Such are mis- 
guiding to the ignorant, and promptly rejected by 
the intelligent. 

Both of these classes and manuals are obviously 
inadequate to the needs of the great mass ''who 
dwell within the broad zone of the average." For 
this large class, a book that gives information as to 
the essential points of correct behavior in social life, 
— points equally applicable to the rich and to the 
poor, — is the ideal manual. Such a book is the 
present volume. While it gives correct usage as 
demonstrated in the highest circles in the land, it 
also does more than this ; it adapts these same 
principles to the life of the most unpretentious 
circles, constantly illustrating the maxim that the 
quality of courtesy is invariable. 

THE PENN PUBLISHING COMPANY 

1020 Arch Street, Philadelphia 



THE LAWS AND PRINCIPLES OF 

WHIST 

STATED AND EXPLAINED BY CAVENDISH 

Twentieth Edition 
Cloth Binding 50 Cents 

THE game of Whist in one form or another has 
been played since the beginning of the 16th 
century. It has been a favorite pastime in the 
palaces of royalty as well as in the humble abodes 
of the commoner, and, notwithstanding its early 
origin, has continued its popularity to the present 
time, until to-day it is universally recognized in all 
classes, on both sides of the Atlantic, as the most 
scientific and thoroughly enjoyable card game in 
existence. 

Cavendish is now considered by the best players 
as the leading authority and is adopted as the stand- 
ard by all clubs. This volume is the latest edition 
published, as well as the cheapest that is in print. 
In it the author not only furnishes arbitrary rules 
for playing all the hands, but gives detailed reasons 
for the rules thus laid down, so that the reader can 
play the game understandingly. 

This edition should be in the hands of every whist 
player, and no household in which the game is 
played is complete without a copy in its library or 
on the centre table. 

Sold by all booksellers or sent, prepaid, upon 
receipt of price. 

THE PENN PUBLISHING COMPANY 

1020 Arch Street, Philadelphia 



The Debaters Treasury 

By WILLIAM PITTENGER 

Author of " Extempore Speech," " How to Become a 

Public Speaker," etc. 

Cloth Binding 50 Cents 

THE ability to debate a question skillfully and forci- 
bly is of the greatest value, and has often been 
the passport to wealth and fame. In the conflict of 
opinions prevailing in every department of life, it is 
most desirable to maintain our own position in the 
face of all opposition. Whoever cannot do so may 
possess brilliant ideas, may originate wise plans, 
and may even be eloquent with pen and tongue, 
but will always have difficulty in securing the 
co-operation of others. 

This valuable book contains directions for organ- 
izing and conducting debating societies, most practi- 
cal suggestions for all who speak, or aspire to discuss 
questions in public, and in addition gives a list of 
over 200 questions on all conceivable subjects for 
debate, with a half-dozen outlines for argument on 
each subject for both affirmative and negative. 

It is of the greatest value both* to teachers and 
scholars in all grades of schools as well as to partici- 
pants in debates in organized societies or at any 
special occasions. 

Sold by all booksellers or sent, prepaid, upon 
receipt of price. 

THE PENN PUBLISHING COMPANY 

1020 Arch Street, Philadelphia 



CORRESPONDENCE 

BY AGNES H. MORTON, B. O. 

Author of " Etiquette," " Quotations," etc. 
Cloth Binding 50 Cents 

THIS admirable manual contains Suggestions, 
Precepts, and Examples for the Construction of 
Letters, and altogether is the most intelligent and 
thoroughly literary work on the subject ever offered 
to the public. It is from the pen of a skilled writer, 
who for several years filled the chair of Literature 
and Criticism in one of the leading educational 
institutions of the country. 

The book exactly fulfills the promise of its admi- 
rably chosen title. Its suggestions are pointed and 
practically helpful ; its Precepts are correct, and are 
clearly and attractively stated ; its gracefully com- 
posed Examples are true to the character of the 
correspondence which they severally illustrate, and 
are accompanied with terse explanatory remarks. 

Its object is to assist inexperienced persons to 
develop their talent for correct and graceful letter 
writing. This gratifying result it will accomplish 
not so much by adhering to the numerous forms of 
letters applicable to all conceivable business and 
social occasions, as by following the excellent sug- 
gestions and directions with which the work 
abounds for the writing of original letters. 

Sold by all booksellers or sent, prepaid, upon 
receipt of price. 

THE PENN PUBLISHING COMPANY 

1020 Arch Street, Philadelphia 



PLAYS 



And books for all kinds of Entertain- 
ments and Exhibitions. Send for full 
descriptive catalogue to The Penn Pub- 
lishing Company, No. 1020 Arch Street, 
Philadelphia. 



r 






p 



I 



v^.j: 













V 



' * V 









o 













4 U 






x 



.v "&». 



o 









\ X 



LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 



021 100 898 2 




: 



